28 February 2009


Woke up this morning with this akward feeling in my stomach, of fear. Because of putting my birthname in the open, on YouTube for every nuthead in the world to find me and terrorize me.

I realize this is because of previous experiences of feeling not safe in my home because of some nutheads in the past. To be specific: Henkie and later on Wouter. I felt terrorized by these guys. The first one actually broke in my home and stole some of my clothes - I didn't know he had been there (he used some kind of key) untill I missed that piece of clothes. That felt so unsafe that someone had been in my home, going through my things, looking at my private things - because he had a cruch on me he allowed himself this. Henkie wasn't the average guy nextdoor, he had a criminal background and once he physically threatened me, not cool at all because at that point I knew he had access to my home, so he could come and 'visit' me at night. And hurt me.

That never happened. I moved out (not because of him, but because of some other relationship) and was out of town for a year. When I came back, it made me take a 'secret' phonenumber so he couldn't find me that easily.


Wouter wasn't the average 'guy next door' either (lol, I've always felt attracted to people that are out of the ordinary, men and women, because of their unexpected behaviour - them threatening me is the downside of this attraction) Geez, I realize I have to write Wouter and me out, extensively.

Oh my, and Johan comes to mind now. I forgot all about him, but he frighten the shit out of me. Because of my... well finding the right words for that experience is 'half of the work' I guess.


Then why did I put my birthname on YouTube when Bernard asked us to? At first I didn't but that was out of this fear. I can see the common sense in putting our birthnames, not hiding behind nicknames, being anonymous. I see many people on YouTube saying idiotic, nasty things, even threatening - now, It would be cool if these people did that and stand for it, by using their real names. Not Donald Duck or SpiritAtHeart and then allow themselves to write all these crazy, nasty, destructive words to another anonymous being. Virtual reality.

So I decided I want to stand for my words, and use my birthname. lol I did stand for my words already, but the act of exposing my identity is for 'them outhere' to see I am standing. I actually don't take shit anymore on my channel on Youtube and neither on the DesteniNL channel. When someone just comes to call Desteni names, or me, or threatening and stuff like that, I just simply block them. Most of the time I put a message on their board or email them why I blocked them and deleted their comments. No abuse allowed. Questening the Desteni material is fine, no problem - but no abuse. That's so cool, this stand, for me it is, because of all the abuse I've allowed throughout my life. And now standing, saying NO, I'm not allowing you. I am not allowing me. Cool.

I will write these guys out of my system in another blog.

08 February 2009


Marianne: What I found in some old chats :
headache--the mind/thoughts either conscious or subconscious--slow down the moment--and reverse time and observe the movement of the thoughts to understand the origin and then do self forgiveness
Top of Head-- Idea of connection with all--thus in SEEparation with all

On pain:
‹Human body› I exist as pain in pain always - and I cannot 'die' - pain will only go when all is done in process
snake tongue› stop pain through self forgiveness
‹Bernard› tala--any pain--system--so-if I have any pain--immediate action
Bernard› and as one clear--pain will become more intense initially as the self awareness as body awareness clears up
02/02/2008 19:10:42 ‹Bernard› use a pill if necessary as painrelief--I do--it is cool-and I sleep
Bernard› pills are a bridge of support if necessary
‹Bernard› all form earth anyway--even synthetic stuff--ask it to specifically support--but do your own process--or it recur
pains in the body is the body as the universal indicating points where attention is required--ask--and we will assist--and learn from each other that we may move more effectively
Pain indicators--sharp pain indicate something influencing in the now/present time
dull pain--the past
pain that feels on the skin slightly lingering--future
Understand- paIn makes sure we reMAIN reALL
18:53:45 ‹Bernard› it is a system release
Bernard› I have them when systems are sorted out--calmly breath through the pain
To assist Pain:
If the pain you experience is a numb pain, like the pain is reasonably slight – it means that there’s a system developing within you through thinking and participating in emotions and feelings that is to still manifest in the future.
If the pain is instantaneous, meaning that the pain come suddenly in a moment, you know that you in that moment accessed something within you – a thought, reaction of emotion or feeling etc. – then STOP for a moment, have a look at where your mind went and forgive that which caused the instantaneous pain.
If the pain is reasonably extensive – a ‘system’ has already manifested within your body which has become so much part of you, meaning that it has become a habitual application you apply during your moment to moment experiences you believe to be you.
Maybe these sorts out some questions.

05 February 2009

Principled Living - cool vids

"You cannot be self honest within the bigger picture because you have no influence. To try and be self honest within a bigger picture where you have no actual influence will only dishearten you and will actually destroy you because that is dishonest - you don't have impact. So how could you then live as if you do have impact? You have impact in your daily life, breath by breath. That is where you apply it. That is where you live the principle of equality and oneness, because that is the only place you can."

Experienced Living and Principled Living #5  Cool interviews!

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