31 December 2010

yuck! new years eve once again..

k – today the ultimate end of a year – once again. And I feel disgusted by the celebration; most people in my country (and all over the world) celebrate it by gathering together and drinking, eating and when the clock tells it is midnight, people kissing and wishing each other ‘Happy New Year’,  and then go outside to do their fireworks.

lol Nothing horrible about that – when I just describe what the event entails – nothing disgusting about it. It is me that reacts in disgust, obvious. What I would like is direct myself to not react at all.  To just experience this day/time as any other day/time and not have this tension and agitation with the clock ticking the time away and feel relieved when finally that point has passed and the date is officially 1st of January 2012. I would like to direct myself to have an option whether yes or no I celebrate or not. At this point I feel I have no option because of the disgust I created many many years ago.

Today I have the perfect opportunity to investigate my disgust because Dj will not be here, he is staying over at my sisters and won’t be back today – so I have the house all to myself and I am free to do whatever I like. I mean, I do not feel any pressure to create ‘a special evening’ because of my son. What I have to do however is to make sure the cats are in before their world burst into fireworks.


irst of all what disgusts me is the wishing of ‘Happy New Year’. To me it seems to be so hollow, empty, vain – wishing your fellow human beings all the best for the year to come, but no intentions whatsoever to support your fellow human being in actually having a happy year. Wishing your neighbour ‘Happy New Year’ and then gossiping about them through out the rest of the year. Wishing your business partner ‘Happy New Year’ and then steal his money. Most people are not sincere, or do not realize: what they are saying is not what they are doing. Or do not care.

I feel disgusted by that. I do not want them to wish me ‘Happy New Year’ (and most of all I do not want them to come close and kissing me while wishing me ‘Happy New Year’ – that seems to make it even more worse, more like treason, two-faced. And worst of all: I feel I should do the same to them because that is what is expected of me - I do not want to, HELP!

I used to be sincere in my wish for happiness and health for them but also felt I had no actual influence on that. The wish in itself was more like an incantation to keep bad-things-that-could-happen away from them. Maybe that is what this is all about, just incantations. Like the fireworks to drive the bad spirits of the past year away. An ancient custom, turned into a million euro business, that’s what it is. I would like and happily take part of such a custom if we all would make lots of noise with for instance pots and pans, hitting a lid on another, or screaming or whatever. I think I would like that, especially when doing it together with lots of other people. Just for the fun of it :)

But I disagree with this million of euro’s spent on firework. Every year people spent more money on fireworks. And I can’t help myself but I feel sad when all this money is just burned – when there are still so many human beings in this world that have no food, no shelter, no nothing. When there are still so many animals suffering in the meat industry. When there are still so many beings being abused. I wish for us all to first sort this out and use all these millions of euro’s and dollars and other currency, to sort this out – and THEN celebrate whatever, whenever we feel celebrating. So I stand behind my window, watching the fireworks and feel sad. And a bit excited too, because all the noise and lights and colours – well, it can be overwhelming and exciting if I allow myself to be overwhelmed by it. And a bit frightened also – how many will get hurt this year? Will all those close to me be safe? Will there be animals get hurt? And for the animals that are scared I wish it all to be done as soon as possible.


n the first 5, 6 years of his life Dj was terrified of the bangs and bright lights of the fireworks and our doggie Snoekie was too. So at 11:30  I took them upstairs, closed all the curtains, turned on the tv, speakers on loud and at 12 o’clock we had a pick nick under the blankets  - it was kind of fun, kind of – because the noise from the fireworks outside was, though subdued, still violently present. Doggie shaking, Dj crying and me shushing them and making them toast under the blankets :) Did that for a couple of year turnings – then Dj grew up and started to enjoy fireworks, and our doggie turned deaf.

So today, I am here, on my own (well, have to take care of two cats, but although they will not feel comfortable, I do not expect them to be in great fear when the fireworks will start) I will be on my own tonight and will see to it I will not allow myself to go into that energy of agitation because of the clock ticking the minutes away towards 00:00.

Maybe I will attend this party next door after that, but maybe I won’t – haven’t decided yet. There will be lots of ‘Happy New Year’ kisses/wishes. Will I just take that for what it is and let it be? Take part in this ‘custom’ while knowing times are getting harder by the year? Partake while I know what is ahead for us all? Would it make any difference when I would tell them what I know? Don’t think so – they wouldn’t listen (probably they all will be drunk by the time I get there) and when they do they will say I shouldn’t spoil their party (I’ve been there). So why go there, why attend this party? To direct and establish for myself I will no longer be directed by my disgust. Kissing and saying ‘Happy New Year’ is just that.

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21 December 2010

2010 Unravelling the ‘Horror thing’– the Speechlessness

uring the ‘Horror thing’ period of say 1½ year, I WAS speechless. I could not express in words what I experienced – so no wonder I can’t now either. Most of this period I felt like being hit quite severely in my stomach – not able to breathe, grasping for air.
pregnant-picture-300x257During my pregnancy, due to the hormones, I found myself not able to think over what happens, just overwhelmed by this storm of emotions. I completely lost the skill of putting things into perspective and into common sense. I just experienced, without means to release. I felt like screaming most of the time, and I mean SCREAM, but I dared not to because I felt my belly with the child in it would burst open… and the child would be pushed out and die.
So I got stuck in this state of not speaking, not talking, no writing, and not screaming. I did have these outburst of anger though and did not or could not control myself. There were many things I saw and did not like, for instance: I worked at this New Age centre at that time, and people were talking about another person that wasn’t there – in a spiteful way, covered with some nice smiles and New Age clich├ęs. I just could not stand it and abruptly with force pull my chair back and ran off, yelling in anger I didn’t want to be there with them being spiteful. Not once someone asked me why I was so upset and I guess they didn’t take a close look at themselves either. Perhaps they didn’t take me seriously because of my pregnancy or because of me yelling in anger.
I guess this was part of the state of being pregnant – maybe some parts of my brain weren’t working properly; I experienced for instance sometimes not being able to tell the time because I didn’t understand the clock, what it was saying – I just couldn’t read what the specific indication of the pointers were telling. Scary. Or not able to remember ordinary words – awkward.
Well, many quite shocking things happened during pregnancy and the year after Dj’s birth – now I am referring to people, allegedly friends and Dj’s father.
This ‘horror thing’ consist of many incidents, all piled up to one HUGE speechlessness, all glued together, intertwined. Best start with the memories/pictures I do remember and write out in detail.
Btw – from now on I will be referring to Dj’s father as ‘him’.

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13 December 2010


omorrow is D’s birthday – it means to me that already 12 years has gone by, but in a way all is still with me like it happened just a few months ago. Time, these 12 years, has assisted me to separate myself even more from this horrific period in my life (the 9 months pregnancy, the Caesarean at the hospital and the months following)

I have never found the right words to describe my experience – got stuck every time I started writing in some random, general description and judged every other sentence as self-pity.

Maybe I lack the vocabulary. I know by experience the importance of finding the exact right words to be able to release, to be able to get to the core. So far every attempt stranded in ‘speechlessness’ – exactly like my perception of what I’ve experienced then: not able to speak the horror. It got stuck in my chest area – and it still is. When trying to speak/write now, I am still stuck in my chest area.

I guess I should stimulate myself to re-live the horror and at the same time be aware of breath – to pinpoint what is resonating in me to be able to name the horror.


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06 December 2010

Family gathering

his weekend we had a family gathering.
The group of people I refer to as family is not that extensive – just three adults (my sisters and me) and three kids (niece, nephew and my son)


Equal Money For AllI enjoyed myself. Last night in bed I thought about what is different when with my family and when with other people.

First of all: I am so much more at ease. I know I am accepted for who I am. And vice versa. So I am not on guard all the time - to prevent getting hurt, or deceived or whatever. I can speak my mind freely without fear of being ‘excommunicated’ :)

Secondly: If I need some privacy I just say so and it’s accepted. And vice versa.

Thirdly: We have a lot of fun, but we communicate our ‘worries’ also, and support each other.

Fourth: We do not expect that much of each other (although there are some points we do expect, like unconditional support when needed)

I’ve worked on the family construct and for now it is cool.

With friends these points are less simple.

Exploring my relationships with people it becomes increasingly clear to me how everything I need, want, give, expect, do, don’t, say, think and so on – is out of fear of my survival. I haven’t come across one single point that isn’t build upon that fear of survival.

When I am alone, meaning there is nobody with me, even then – my whole life is build upon and around fear of survival. And distractions to for a moment have the illusion it is not about survival. It is extensive.

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