31 October 2010

MOUSE alert! #1–Musophobia

am working on my extensive fear of mice.
This week I went into the kitchen and picked up a tray and was unexpectedly confronted with two mice underneath it. I froze completely and it seems the mice also because they didn’t move either. I wanted to get rid of the tray in my hands so I could run but couldn’t find a place to put it so I just dropped it (lots of noise at the middle of the night) ran out of the kitchen, closed the door and ran upstairs. This probably all happened in a split second but it seemed to me like minutes.
It was already late so I went to bed – all shivering, heart pounding, 1feeling quite unsafe. I left the lights on, scared the mice would come into my bedroom. The picture of the mouse in my head playing, like a video. I stopped that but then the word mouse, well actually the Dutch word for it –MUIS- came up in my head and that simple word even scared me more than the picture of the 2 mice!
I started self forgiveness on the fear but could not get a word out of my mouth. I realized at that moment self forgiveness was bullshit because of my starting point: I wanted the fear to disappear and was not able to actually correct myself. I was still quite upset. My fear was extensive.
This encounter with the mice in the kitchen was a moment of truth for me. It showed me the true extent of my fear and all other thoughts and beliefs were fake. I actually thought I had overcome most of this fear – NOT. How self deceptive I can be…

started a session on this specific event. The priority point in this encounter and fear is the desire to control. Obviously (to me) a mouse is the ultimate example of a being I can not control. They come into my house through the smallest holes and ‘secretively’ eat and  procreate, and make noise. I would have been less scared when there had been a crocodile in the kitchen! Because a crocodile is big and less secretive and I can close the door and then the crocodile could not have come out! Although the crocodile would have been a real danger (mouse is not life threatening, lol, not at all)

phobia, strong and persistent irrational fear
Musophobia is a fear of mice or rats.
Musophobia is created by the unconscious as a protective mechanism. This mechanism was probably created as some point in the persons past when they had a traumatic experience with a mouse or rat. Examples of this could be having your house or room invaded by them, finding them eating your food, being surprised when they jump from a trash can, touching them while getting up as they run from under furniture, smelling them, or getting sick from them (The Black Plague in Europe was carried by rats). There are hundreds of ways people could have developed their traumatic experience.
This fear could be triggered by the presence of a mouse or rat in a room or store, seeing them on TV or in movies, someone joking about them, or smelling them. These are only a few possible examples. Everyone experiences their fears in different ways and intensity levels and some react in different ways, such as screaming, running to different rooms, and/or getting to higher ground.

Ok, musophobia.
I used to not be able to even look at pictures of mice without experiencing fear, fearing it would come out of the picture :)
This is such a cutie – I do not experience any fear. I like the eyes, ears, whiskers, its small paws… and maybe, maybe I would even like to pet it. For a moment some fear came up – the thought of it moving fast made me react.
mouse416I react more strongly to this picture: it is the sight of his tail and hind legs that make me start breathing more quickly.
I breathe through this fear while watching the tail and hind legs.

t this very moment I hear at least one mouse doing his thing in the kitchen – noises that make me nervous, not at ease with myself in my home. I do not want to wonder whether the mouse is in the living room when I do not hear the noises in the kitchen. I do not want to realize there is more than one mouse, at least two, maybe twenty or more! Ok, I breathe. And breathe a little more :)

do not recall when this phobia started. My mother used to tell me about this particular event when I was still just a baby. She had placed me outside in the garden in my pram, to sleep. My parents had a big dog back then and for some reason the dog was very fond of me and protective. My mom was busy inside the house while I was sleeping in the garden and at one moment she heard the dog furiously barking and there was a lot of turmoil going on. She ran into the garden just in time to see Robbie the dog jumping in the pram, knocking it over, me falling out of it. The dog had seen this big rat climbing in the pram and tried to catch it.
I do not know if this story is true or how much of it is true - my mother liked to 'blow up' things. It is obvious, I do not recall this specific event. And I didn’t take my mothers story very serious either, although it probably happened for real. She also told me I never ever liked the touch of a teddy bear or some toy like that – I started to cry. It is most likely this is when this phobia was activated.

So far making some ‘notes’, some ranting. I actually never made an big issue out this fear for mice – there aren’t that often mice and when they are, I fear, when they are gone, I forget.
Actually: no one takes this fear of mice very seriously – I am not the only person on this planet with this phobia, lots of people do fear mice- people kind of joke about it and tell you must not be such a chicken about it. I do not know why so many people fear such a relative harmless creature. For what purpose such programming exist. Fear of spiders likewise.
Interesting though is this desire for control and what mice represent for me: uncontrollability.

Snapshot of me 7

27 October 2010

Children & brushing teeth

eing one and equal with your child – how is that practical applied? In theory it is all cool and seems so easy, but I know from being a mother in practical day to day application it is not that simple. First of all because we are all robots and live in a robotic society where we have to submit to many rules – our children included.  How to practically apply myself in this as one and equal with my kid and at the same time submit to the rules of society? Seems impossible but yeah, we’ll have to explore and apply as much as possible common sense in these daily interventions from society regarding our children.

childrenThere aren’t that much ‘Destonians’ with children at the moment and there is still so much exploring to do. Within an Equal Money System there will be so much more potential for self expression for adults and children both.  I am 100% in favour of the kibbutz-like environment  for children to grow up with many other children and adults there – supporting the child with practical common sense,  not ‘raising’ it. Not forcing it to be submissive to all kinds of rules in any form in what area of life and community whatsoever. Not forcing it to form all kinds of ideas and beliefs and judgements of how and who and what he/she must be to fit in in order to survive. The child will not be dependant on just one or two parents to survive – no need for all kinds of power issues. The child will be able to say ‘no’ to adults without fear for his survival.

It will be so cool when the children are allowed to be who they are – express themselves freely, explore their abilities freely and with full support and encouragement by the community.

I would love to be one of those children. I would love to be one of the adults supporting and encouraging the children :)

ut reality of 2010: this is not yet established. I’ll have to work my way through this mess.

Back to my starting point of writing: how to apply ‘one and equal’ practical in daily life in daily, practical circumstances?

gebitBrushing teeth for instance. If I would have let Dj his way he would not have brushed his teeth ‘ever’ just because he doesn’t like to do so. Still not like to do so. When I started to learn him how to brush his teeth and why – because his teeth needs daily cleaning because of the food and candy and beverage becoming dirty and without brushing the teeth will decay and finally probably fall out and then he will not be able to chew, to eat – he couldn’t care less. He was still a toddler and this was something that was not part of his perception. So I had to make sure his teeth were cleaned every day. Sometimes again his will, sometimes I had to force him to get his teeth brushed.

He is almost 12 years of age now – and still I have to tell him to go and brush his teeth. He is able to understand the common sense of having to take care of his teeth now but he still refuses to take responsibility for the health of his teeth.

And I understand: I’ve always told him to do that, so he has developed this attitude like it’s got nothing to do with him – ‘it is moms issue’. And a perfect subject to rebel against my ‘authority’.

How could I have handled the issue differently – when he was still a toddler – him not able to comprehend the why of teeth brushing? To me it is similar to not allow a toddler to play on the road – because I know it will probably get run over by a car.  Allowing him not to brush would probably lead to very bad teeth – so that’s no option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stuck in this issue of yes/no forcing a child, forcing Dj, to brush his teeth because I consider this necessary for maintaining healthy teeth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as not able to think ‘out of the box’ in order to see other options.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by myself, by my lack of ‘thinking out of the box’ and judging myself for it because I’ve defined myself as a being that is ‘good at thinking out of the box’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘being good at thinking out of the box’ compared to most people I know. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the  I Eye of consciousness through comparing myself to other human beings and comparing myself to myself in other circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this writing from within a starting point of wanting to reach the point ‘where I will be able to think out of the box’ again.

realize I often stood as the point of brushing, meaning there was no way around for Dj and these were the moments there was no discussions, Dj just did brush his teeth. Then there were the moments I was actually just stating he should brush his teeth because I felt I was supposed to – these were the moments Dj argued and I would get annoyed and feel sorry for myself ‘I had to do all this mother role stuff’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by being a mother and having to take care of all this stuff that has to be done, like making sure Dj brushes his teeth, goes to school, goes to school in time, cleans up his mess, hangs the bath towel to dry after showering, closes the door when the heating is on, locks the front door, secures his bike, changes his underwear, takes a shower, doesn’t stay in the shower for ages… and many more – when I do not feel like it, when it feels like unceasing, endless repetition, when I feel like a slave to this mother part, a slave to my kid.

expanding on ‘goes to school in time’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down hearted by Dj’s being uncooperative and even opposing in the morning.

I forgive myself for feeling victimized by Dj’s attitude in the morning when all I want is to support him in getting to school in time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so to prevent school from complaining about Dj being too late too often. Actually – I do not really care if he is too late when not for school or because Dj himself feeling awkward entering class late.

expanding on ‘…doesn’t stay in the shower for ages’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the bills to come regarding Dj taking very long showers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with Dj because he shows no understanding what it would mean if I wasn’t able to pay the bills. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed by Dj because he shows a lack of caring what would happen if I wasn’t able to pay the bills. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire Dj to show some accountability for his action of taking very long showers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety because of the amount of water and electricity and gas it takes when Dj taking these long showers and the effect this has on our environment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire Dj would care about  the environment and behave accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I had more money to spend so Dj could take long showers without me worrying about the money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for thinking that because it implies I wouldn’t consider the effect that ‘taking long showers’ has on the environment.

So – what will be the practical application? I still cannot allow Dj to take such long showers all the time – simply because I can’t afford, very practical. So I will stand as the point of not allowing no one in this household to take such long showers.

Teeth brushing, well, I am already letting go more and more of the responsibility I experienced regarding whether he does or does not. Almost 12 he is and I consider him capable of taking care of his teeth himself. I will remind him though and if he allows himself not to brush, well, the consequences are his. And so I tell him. I will relax and be at ease with it.

Digg This

16 October 2010

Experiencing Panic


bout experiencing panic - yes, this is obvious thought-related. I've experienced and still am, a lot of panic and fear in my life. As far as I can tell panic is always the outflow of me being caught up in many, many thoughts - not being in my body, but in 'the head' and indeed, in a split second the experience of panicking is there - then for a moment I am totally caught up in this experience, but can clearly see this (continued) experience is the outflow of me having certain thoughts.

Stop the thoughts equals stopping the panicking experience. 

But - in that moment I feel like I am not able to stop - like the thoughts are bigger than me - yes, I realize now I am thinking this is 'the real me', the fear, the panicking is more 'reality' than me not fearing. Interesting - at SRAT  I tested out on a similar situation where I was not experiencing fear and the thought came up I should experience fear – that there was this belief of me not being the person that not experienced fear – swapping of identities. So, yes, I am totally in this belief that I am fear, a fearful person and that when I am not fearful, well, that is not me, that is not real.

What would I be without fear?

*lol I know the answer - but I do not live the answer



14 October 2010

Fear and panicking

you-re-not-alonewas just having a shower and was quite occupied with this battle I allowed myself to start and be trapped in – with DJ. At one point I experienced this panic: I wanted to scream ‘please don’t leave me alone’, I needed to restore the situation to the way it was before the battle, to restore some kind of contact with him – ‘kind of’ is ‘better’ than none at all. That is what I was experiencing and so much more the truth of me than all the thoughts on the subject I was having before I felt this panic.

A familiar fear and panic. In all my close relationships this fear played quite a part. My mother, my father, my sisters, my partners and now with my kid. Well hidden of course – suppressed and hidden by many thoughts of self-importance blown out of proportions as result of polarity self inferiority.

I am so fearful of loosing contact.


hen I was young, 18 or something, I attended this therapy group. At one point we did this exercise of imagining going through a door and exploring what was behind that door. I found myself in a desert like landscape, very dry, no green vegetation, just some withered bushes, with thorns. I was looking around to see if there were some people when I heard/felt beings approach. I hid behind these bushes to see what was coming my way – ah, people – but robotic people. They all looked the same, walked the same, were the same. Cold and indifferent. I was so scared I panicked. I snapped out of the imagination and cried, I was immensely shocked.



y mother, I feared her because, well, I was never sure if she would be there, or he ‘the devil’ behind her eyes. Would she be ‘normal’ or scare the hell out of me?

The years after she died (I was 28)  I had some reoccurring dreams, well, nightmares. The one that scared me the most: I walk into this bar where I am a regular guest. To my surprise I see my mother at one of the tables talking to some people – this was strange because she had died. The people sitting at her table turned to me and my mother smiled at me. Then these people turned away and continued talking. My mother kept looking at me knowing we were ‘alone’ in that look – and in that moment the creature shows his real face: triumphant, devilish, scornful, fierce… I panicked and ran for my life.
Words can’t describe the fear – I couldn’t and can’t find the words.

Later on, I had this other nightmare over and over again, many things happened in this one, but the end was always about her eyes and the creature coming towards me to harm me - then I woke up, in great fear. After having this particular nightmare over and over again I at one moment in this nightmare decided it was enough, enough is enough, and I took a pair of scissors and  cut out the creatures eyes. So there was nothing to fear anymore.
Never had this nightmare again.

On the internet I looked for pictures of devilish eyes – but none was exact the picture I saw/experienced. It is not how the eyes look, it is what is behind the eyes that terrified me.

I am not sure yet how to process this fear.

05 October 2010

SRAT session on this memory repeatedly popping up

mst_wyd_counting_handsWell, I did a SRAT session on this particular memory repeatedly popping up (see here) and I was quite surprised lol 

The Priority Information that will assist me while working with this particular memory:

Gemini – Communication Should I communicate with Jorinde about this particular memory/event? Yes
Further Priority information: word – Open: Open house for Visitors (open dag voor bezoekers)
Meaning: when I was at their house it was not “open house for visitors”? Yes

Ok, so I just wasn’t welcome because of something that had nothing to do with me – yes
Session complete with regards to the memory popping up? Yes
Is there any particular meaning/pattern I have to work with regarding this specific memory? No
Is there any particular meaning/pattern I have to work with because of this memory repeatedly popping up? Yes
The Priority Information that will assist me to identify the specific meaning/pattern of this particular memory repeatedly popping up - sentence: “Of all concerns you are occupied with, sleep comes last”
(Van alle belangen die uw aandacht vragen, komt slapen op de laatste plaats )
lol yeah, meaning I should sleep instead of paying attention to memories popping up? Yes

Priority Point to work with:
Not feeling welcome
People not liking me
Neither <---

Ok, clear, session done naam4

03 October 2010

Memory popping up – me being not welcome


memory kept popping up this week.

I was 16 years old and there was this big school party on Friday night. I met up with my ‘rebel’ friend Jorinde there and secretly we smuggled in alcohol and we got quite drunk. We had our fun doing our ‘rebel’ things (like smashing the doors).

At that time I lived in another city and yes, I missed the last train home and had no place to stay. Reluctantly Jorinde offered me a sleep over at her parents house. She smuggled me into their guestroom, but her mother found out and there was some fuss about it. The mother and my friend did whisper though and I could not hear what it was all about. I didn’t feel comfortable and would have left if I would had have another option. I could go to the train station and wait for hours for the first train to come – but it was cold and dark and not that safe to do for a girl of my age. So, no, I felt I had no other option than staying over with this family.

dvs139618The next morning at breakfast their ‘hostile’ behavior continued and I felt so so so uncomfortable… I froze and was very clumsy and insecure of how to behave. I had no clue why they (the family) acted that way. My friend wouldn’t answer my questions and I was left in the dark. I felt it must have been ME – they didn’t like me… I blamed myself for it. And I felt even more bad about myself than I did before.

So, this memory kept popping up. While writing this I remember this memory has opened up before in the past, more than once. thinking about it, it seems like a mystery – there was something going on in this family and they kept it a secret. My friend never wanted to talk about it. I feel the need to ask her once again (she lives in France - I could contact her by email) But why should I, what would be my starting point in this? I feel I want to place the pieces of the puzzle so I can have an overview picture. So I can see it had nothing to do with me… Or maybe they actually didn’t like me for whatever reason. I want to know. But what good would that do? It is my memory, my feelings and emotions and self definitions, how I experienced the situation.

Placing in perspective: at that time I was living with my elder sister and her partner, because my mother couldn’t cope with my grief and depression because of the loss of My First and Only Love. The partner of my sister, well, he didn’t want me over there either. So I felt I wasn’t really welcome anywhere.

I left my sister and her partner when I was 17 and went to live in a small apartment of my own (well, just one bedroom) and finished high school. I felt totally lost and had no clue what to do with my life or myself. One big depression and insecurity and lack of confidence.

I’ll do a SRA session on this one memory.

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