Memory popping up – me being not welcome

 

A

memory kept popping up this week.

I was 16 years old and there was this big school party on Friday night. I met up with my ‘rebel’ friend Jorinde there and secretly we smuggled in alcohol and we got quite drunk. We had our fun doing our ‘rebel’ things (like smashing the doors).

At that time I lived in another city and yes, I missed the last train home and had no place to stay. Reluctantly Jorinde offered me a sleep over at her parents house. She smuggled me into their guestroom, but her mother found out and there was some fuss about it. The mother and my friend did whisper though and I could not hear what it was all about. I didn’t feel comfortable and would have left if I would had have another option. I could go to the train station and wait for hours for the first train to come – but it was cold and dark and not that safe to do for a girl of my age. So, no, I felt I had no other option than staying over with this family.

The next morning at breakfast their ‘hostile’ behavior continued and I felt so so so uncomfortable… I froze and was very clumsy and insecure of how to behave. I had no clue why they (the family) acted that way. My friend wouldn’t answer my questions and I was left in the dark. I felt it must have been ME – they didn’t like me… I blamed myself for it. And I felt even more bad about myself than I did before.

So, this memory kept popping up. While writing this I remember this memory has opened up before in the past, more than once. thinking about it, it seems like a mystery – there was something going on in this family and they kept it a secret. My friend never wanted to talk about it. I feel the need to ask her once again (she lives in France - I could contact her by email) But why should I, what would be my starting point in this? I feel I want to place the pieces of the puzzle so I can have an overview picture. So I can see it had nothing to do with me… Or maybe they actually didn’t like me for whatever reason. I want to know. But what good would that do? It is my memory, my feelings and emotions and self definitions, how I experienced the situation.

Placing in perspective: at that time I was living with my elder sister and her partner, because my mother couldn’t cope with my grief and depression because of the loss of My First and Only Love. The partner of my sister, well, he didn’t want me over there either. So I felt I wasn’t really welcome anywhere.

I left my sister and her partner when I was 17 and went to live in a small apartment of my own (well, just one bedroom) and finished high school. I felt totally lost and had no clue what to do with my life or myself. One big depression and insecurity and lack of confidence.

I’ll do a SRA session on this one memory.