Children & brushing teeth

eing one and equal with your child – how is that practical applied? In theory it is all cool and seems so easy, but I know from being a mother in practical day to day application it is not that simple. First of all because we are all robots and live in a robotic society where we have to submit to many rules – our children included.  How to practically apply myself in this as one and equal with my kid and at the same time submit to the rules of society? Seems impossible but yeah, we’ll have to explore and apply as much as possible common sense in these daily interventions from society regarding our children.

childrenThere aren’t that much ‘Destonians’ with children at the moment and there is still so much exploring to do. Within an Equal Money System there will be so much more potential for self expression for adults and children both.  I am 100% in favour of the kibbutz-like environment  for children to grow up with many other children and adults there – supporting the child with practical common sense,  not ‘raising’ it. Not forcing it to be submissive to all kinds of rules in any form in what area of life and community whatsoever. Not forcing it to form all kinds of ideas and beliefs and judgements of how and who and what he/she must be to fit in in order to survive. The child will not be dependant on just one or two parents to survive – no need for all kinds of power issues. The child will be able to say ‘no’ to adults without fear for his survival.

It will be so cool when the children are allowed to be who they are – express themselves freely, explore their abilities freely and with full support and encouragement by the community.

I would love to be one of those children. I would love to be one of the adults supporting and encouraging the children :)

ut reality of 2010: this is not yet established. I’ll have to work my way through this mess.

Back to my starting point of writing: how to apply ‘one and equal’ practical in daily life in daily, practical circumstances?

gebitBrushing teeth for instance. If I would have let Dj his way he would not have brushed his teeth ‘ever’ just because he doesn’t like to do so. Still not like to do so. When I started to learn him how to brush his teeth and why – because his teeth needs daily cleaning because of the food and candy and beverage becoming dirty and without brushing the teeth will decay and finally probably fall out and then he will not be able to chew, to eat – he couldn’t care less. He was still a toddler and this was something that was not part of his perception. So I had to make sure his teeth were cleaned every day. Sometimes again his will, sometimes I had to force him to get his teeth brushed.

He is almost 12 years of age now – and still I have to tell him to go and brush his teeth. He is able to understand the common sense of having to take care of his teeth now but he still refuses to take responsibility for the health of his teeth.

And I understand: I’ve always told him to do that, so he has developed this attitude like it’s got nothing to do with him – ‘it is moms issue’. And a perfect subject to rebel against my ‘authority’.

How could I have handled the issue differently – when he was still a toddler – him not able to comprehend the why of teeth brushing? To me it is similar to not allow a toddler to play on the road – because I know it will probably get run over by a car.  Allowing him not to brush would probably lead to very bad teeth – so that’s no option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stuck in this issue of yes/no forcing a child, forcing Dj, to brush his teeth because I consider this necessary for maintaining healthy teeth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as not able to think ‘out of the box’ in order to see other options.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by myself, by my lack of ‘thinking out of the box’ and judging myself for it because I’ve defined myself as a being that is ‘good at thinking out of the box’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘being good at thinking out of the box’ compared to most people I know. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the  I Eye of consciousness through comparing myself to other human beings and comparing myself to myself in other circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this writing from within a starting point of wanting to reach the point ‘where I will be able to think out of the box’ again.

realize I often stood as the point of brushing, meaning there was no way around for Dj and these were the moments there was no discussions, Dj just did brush his teeth. Then there were the moments I was actually just stating he should brush his teeth because I felt I was supposed to – these were the moments Dj argued and I would get annoyed and feel sorry for myself ‘I had to do all this mother role stuff’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by being a mother and having to take care of all this stuff that has to be done, like making sure Dj brushes his teeth, goes to school, goes to school in time, cleans up his mess, hangs the bath towel to dry after showering, closes the door when the heating is on, locks the front door, secures his bike, changes his underwear, takes a shower, doesn’t stay in the shower for ages… and many more – when I do not feel like it, when it feels like unceasing, endless repetition, when I feel like a slave to this mother part, a slave to my kid.

expanding on ‘goes to school in time’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down hearted by Dj’s being uncooperative and even opposing in the morning.

I forgive myself for feeling victimized by Dj’s attitude in the morning when all I want is to support him in getting to school in time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so to prevent school from complaining about Dj being too late too often. Actually – I do not really care if he is too late when not for school or because Dj himself feeling awkward entering class late.

expanding on ‘…doesn’t stay in the shower for ages’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the bills to come regarding Dj taking very long showers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with Dj because he shows no understanding what it would mean if I wasn’t able to pay the bills. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed by Dj because he shows a lack of caring what would happen if I wasn’t able to pay the bills. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire Dj to show some accountability for his action of taking very long showers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety because of the amount of water and electricity and gas it takes when Dj taking these long showers and the effect this has on our environment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire Dj would care about  the environment and behave accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I had more money to spend so Dj could take long showers without me worrying about the money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for thinking that because it implies I wouldn’t consider the effect that ‘taking long showers’ has on the environment.

So – what will be the practical application? I still cannot allow Dj to take such long showers all the time – simply because I can’t afford, very practical. So I will stand as the point of not allowing no one in this household to take such long showers.

Teeth brushing, well, I am already letting go more and more of the responsibility I experienced regarding whether he does or does not. Almost 12 he is and I consider him capable of taking care of his teeth himself. I will remind him though and if he allows himself not to brush, well, the consequences are his. And so I tell him. I will relax and be at ease with it.

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  • Hi Ingrid I have an eleven year old son too. He's a bit younger than yours, he turned 11 last august. He doesn't like to brush his teeth now and than. He may skip brushing their teeth, but have to save up for the dentist. I mean I always explain the consequences and then it's up to my children what they decide. Most of the time they do brush their teeth. My son doesn't like to take a shower, but when he does, he makes up for all the times he didn't take a shower. Also I cannot afford it to spend lots of money on unnecessary stuff. When he hasn't been in the shower for 3 or 4 days, I ask him to do so because I will not spend more money on cleaning his sweaty clothes. Since the budget is tight in our household the kids do understand and help thinking on which point we could all save money. My daughter even gave her pocket money back, that's €1,50 a week. She felt she couldn't take it anymore, knowing that we also needed food on the table. Kids are in essence really responsible beings, but when we're not stable within a point they reflect to us the consequences like a mirror.

  • Yes, reading your comment I realize Dj will probably show responsibility when I would actually not be able to pay the bills. In the past there have been moments he showed lots of common sense :)
    The point is I do not want to get to the point I have no money to buy food. But this has never happened so far, so how could Dj know what I am talking about - he never experienced me not having money. So far I've always managed, so for him this is not reality, but just me talking. That's what he is reflecting back to me lol

    About showering: Dj always hated showering too, but lately he is changing (puberty I guess) and loves to take long showers, preferably twice a day :)Also his clothes and looks are becoming more and more an issue :)

    thanks for replying Sylvia!

  • Thanks Ingrid! I am sure there are more effective ways of communicating with the child that have not been considered yet. Not just by explaining him common sense of doing some thing, but also sharing with him all your thought, feelings and emotions regarding everything that connected to him. And regarding the teeth, let him experience some similar pain when you had a toothache because I consider physical pain to be very supportive in taking decisions to avoid it in the future.

  • Yes - I guess the body as pain is probably the most effective teacher :)

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