14 October 2010

Fear and panicking

you-re-not-alonewas just having a shower and was quite occupied with this battle I allowed myself to start and be trapped in – with DJ. At one point I experienced this panic: I wanted to scream ‘please don’t leave me alone’, I needed to restore the situation to the way it was before the battle, to restore some kind of contact with him – ‘kind of’ is ‘better’ than none at all. That is what I was experiencing and so much more the truth of me than all the thoughts on the subject I was having before I felt this panic.

A familiar fear and panic. In all my close relationships this fear played quite a part. My mother, my father, my sisters, my partners and now with my kid. Well hidden of course – suppressed and hidden by many thoughts of self-importance blown out of proportions as result of polarity self inferiority.

I am so fearful of loosing contact.


hen I was young, 18 or something, I attended this therapy group. At one point we did this exercise of imagining going through a door and exploring what was behind that door. I found myself in a desert like landscape, very dry, no green vegetation, just some withered bushes, with thorns. I was looking around to see if there were some people when I heard/felt beings approach. I hid behind these bushes to see what was coming my way – ah, people – but robotic people. They all looked the same, walked the same, were the same. Cold and indifferent. I was so scared I panicked. I snapped out of the imagination and cried, I was immensely shocked.



y mother, I feared her because, well, I was never sure if she would be there, or he ‘the devil’ behind her eyes. Would she be ‘normal’ or scare the hell out of me?

The years after she died (I was 28)  I had some reoccurring dreams, well, nightmares. The one that scared me the most: I walk into this bar where I am a regular guest. To my surprise I see my mother at one of the tables talking to some people – this was strange because she had died. The people sitting at her table turned to me and my mother smiled at me. Then these people turned away and continued talking. My mother kept looking at me knowing we were ‘alone’ in that look – and in that moment the creature shows his real face: triumphant, devilish, scornful, fierce… I panicked and ran for my life.
Words can’t describe the fear – I couldn’t and can’t find the words.

Later on, I had this other nightmare over and over again, many things happened in this one, but the end was always about her eyes and the creature coming towards me to harm me - then I woke up, in great fear. After having this particular nightmare over and over again I at one moment in this nightmare decided it was enough, enough is enough, and I took a pair of scissors and  cut out the creatures eyes. So there was nothing to fear anymore.
Never had this nightmare again.

On the internet I looked for pictures of devilish eyes – but none was exact the picture I saw/experienced. It is not how the eyes look, it is what is behind the eyes that terrified me.

I am not sure yet how to process this fear.

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