A familiar fear and panic. In all my close relationships this fear played quite a part. My mother, my father, my sisters, my partners and now with my kid. Well hidden of course – suppressed and hidden by many thoughts of self-importance blown out of proportions as result of polarity self inferiority.
I am so fearful of loosing contact.
y mother, I feared her because, well, I was never sure if she would be there, or he ‘the devil’ behind her eyes. Would she be ‘normal’ or scare the hell out of me?
The years after she died (I was 28) I had some reoccurring dreams, well, nightmares. The one that scared me the most: I walk into this bar where I am a regular guest. To my surprise I see my mother at one of the tables talking to some people – this was strange because she had died. The people sitting at her table turned to me and my mother smiled at me. Then these people turned away and continued talking. My mother kept looking at me knowing we were ‘alone’ in that look – and in that moment the creature shows his real face: triumphant, devilish, scornful, fierce… I panicked and ran for my life.
Words can’t describe the fear – I couldn’t and can’t find the words.
Later on, I had this other nightmare over and over again, many things happened in this one, but the end was always about her eyes and the creature coming towards me to harm me - then I woke up, in great fear. After having this particular nightmare over and over again I at one moment in this nightmare decided it was enough, enough is enough, and I took a pair of scissors and cut out the creatures eyes. So there was nothing to fear anymore.
Never had this nightmare again.
On the internet I looked for pictures of devilish eyes – but none was exact the picture I saw/experienced. It is not how the eyes look, it is what is behind the eyes that terrified me.
I am not sure yet how to process this fear.