31 December 2010

yuck! new years eve once again..

k – today the ultimate end of a year – once again. And I feel disgusted by the celebration; most people in my country (and all over the world) celebrate it by gathering together and drinking, eating and when the clock tells it is midnight, people kissing and wishing each other ‘Happy New Year’,  and then go outside to do their fireworks.

lol Nothing horrible about that – when I just describe what the event entails – nothing disgusting about it. It is me that reacts in disgust, obvious. What I would like is direct myself to not react at all.  To just experience this day/time as any other day/time and not have this tension and agitation with the clock ticking the time away and feel relieved when finally that point has passed and the date is officially 1st of January 2012. I would like to direct myself to have an option whether yes or no I celebrate or not. At this point I feel I have no option because of the disgust I created many many years ago.

Today I have the perfect opportunity to investigate my disgust because Dj will not be here, he is staying over at my sisters and won’t be back today – so I have the house all to myself and I am free to do whatever I like. I mean, I do not feel any pressure to create ‘a special evening’ because of my son. What I have to do however is to make sure the cats are in before their world burst into fireworks.


irst of all what disgusts me is the wishing of ‘Happy New Year’. To me it seems to be so hollow, empty, vain – wishing your fellow human beings all the best for the year to come, but no intentions whatsoever to support your fellow human being in actually having a happy year. Wishing your neighbour ‘Happy New Year’ and then gossiping about them through out the rest of the year. Wishing your business partner ‘Happy New Year’ and then steal his money. Most people are not sincere, or do not realize: what they are saying is not what they are doing. Or do not care.

I feel disgusted by that. I do not want them to wish me ‘Happy New Year’ (and most of all I do not want them to come close and kissing me while wishing me ‘Happy New Year’ – that seems to make it even more worse, more like treason, two-faced. And worst of all: I feel I should do the same to them because that is what is expected of me - I do not want to, HELP!

I used to be sincere in my wish for happiness and health for them but also felt I had no actual influence on that. The wish in itself was more like an incantation to keep bad-things-that-could-happen away from them. Maybe that is what this is all about, just incantations. Like the fireworks to drive the bad spirits of the past year away. An ancient custom, turned into a million euro business, that’s what it is. I would like and happily take part of such a custom if we all would make lots of noise with for instance pots and pans, hitting a lid on another, or screaming or whatever. I think I would like that, especially when doing it together with lots of other people. Just for the fun of it :)

But I disagree with this million of euro’s spent on firework. Every year people spent more money on fireworks. And I can’t help myself but I feel sad when all this money is just burned – when there are still so many human beings in this world that have no food, no shelter, no nothing. When there are still so many animals suffering in the meat industry. When there are still so many beings being abused. I wish for us all to first sort this out and use all these millions of euro’s and dollars and other currency, to sort this out – and THEN celebrate whatever, whenever we feel celebrating. So I stand behind my window, watching the fireworks and feel sad. And a bit excited too, because all the noise and lights and colours – well, it can be overwhelming and exciting if I allow myself to be overwhelmed by it. And a bit frightened also – how many will get hurt this year? Will all those close to me be safe? Will there be animals get hurt? And for the animals that are scared I wish it all to be done as soon as possible.


n the first 5, 6 years of his life Dj was terrified of the bangs and bright lights of the fireworks and our doggie Snoekie was too. So at 11:30  I took them upstairs, closed all the curtains, turned on the tv, speakers on loud and at 12 o’clock we had a pick nick under the blankets  - it was kind of fun, kind of – because the noise from the fireworks outside was, though subdued, still violently present. Doggie shaking, Dj crying and me shushing them and making them toast under the blankets :) Did that for a couple of year turnings – then Dj grew up and started to enjoy fireworks, and our doggie turned deaf.

So today, I am here, on my own (well, have to take care of two cats, but although they will not feel comfortable, I do not expect them to be in great fear when the fireworks will start) I will be on my own tonight and will see to it I will not allow myself to go into that energy of agitation because of the clock ticking the minutes away towards 00:00.

Maybe I will attend this party next door after that, but maybe I won’t – haven’t decided yet. There will be lots of ‘Happy New Year’ kisses/wishes. Will I just take that for what it is and let it be? Take part in this ‘custom’ while knowing times are getting harder by the year? Partake while I know what is ahead for us all? Would it make any difference when I would tell them what I know? Don’t think so – they wouldn’t listen (probably they all will be drunk by the time I get there) and when they do they will say I shouldn’t spoil their party (I’ve been there). So why go there, why attend this party? To direct and establish for myself I will no longer be directed by my disgust. Kissing and saying ‘Happy New Year’ is just that.

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21 December 2010

2010 Unravelling the ‘Horror thing’– the Speechlessness

uring the ‘Horror thing’ period of say 1½ year, I WAS speechless. I could not express in words what I experienced – so no wonder I can’t now either. Most of this period I felt like being hit quite severely in my stomach – not able to breathe, grasping for air.
pregnant-picture-300x257During my pregnancy, due to the hormones, I found myself not able to think over what happens, just overwhelmed by this storm of emotions. I completely lost the skill of putting things into perspective and into common sense. I just experienced, without means to release. I felt like screaming most of the time, and I mean SCREAM, but I dared not to because I felt my belly with the child in it would burst open… and the child would be pushed out and die.
So I got stuck in this state of not speaking, not talking, no writing, and not screaming. I did have these outburst of anger though and did not or could not control myself. There were many things I saw and did not like, for instance: I worked at this New Age centre at that time, and people were talking about another person that wasn’t there – in a spiteful way, covered with some nice smiles and New Age clich├ęs. I just could not stand it and abruptly with force pull my chair back and ran off, yelling in anger I didn’t want to be there with them being spiteful. Not once someone asked me why I was so upset and I guess they didn’t take a close look at themselves either. Perhaps they didn’t take me seriously because of my pregnancy or because of me yelling in anger.
I guess this was part of the state of being pregnant – maybe some parts of my brain weren’t working properly; I experienced for instance sometimes not being able to tell the time because I didn’t understand the clock, what it was saying – I just couldn’t read what the specific indication of the pointers were telling. Scary. Or not able to remember ordinary words – awkward.
Well, many quite shocking things happened during pregnancy and the year after Dj’s birth – now I am referring to people, allegedly friends and Dj’s father.
This ‘horror thing’ consist of many incidents, all piled up to one HUGE speechlessness, all glued together, intertwined. Best start with the memories/pictures I do remember and write out in detail.
Btw – from now on I will be referring to Dj’s father as ‘him’.

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13 December 2010


omorrow is D’s birthday – it means to me that already 12 years has gone by, but in a way all is still with me like it happened just a few months ago. Time, these 12 years, has assisted me to separate myself even more from this horrific period in my life (the 9 months pregnancy, the Caesarean at the hospital and the months following)

I have never found the right words to describe my experience – got stuck every time I started writing in some random, general description and judged every other sentence as self-pity.

Maybe I lack the vocabulary. I know by experience the importance of finding the exact right words to be able to release, to be able to get to the core. So far every attempt stranded in ‘speechlessness’ – exactly like my perception of what I’ve experienced then: not able to speak the horror. It got stuck in my chest area – and it still is. When trying to speak/write now, I am still stuck in my chest area.

I guess I should stimulate myself to re-live the horror and at the same time be aware of breath – to pinpoint what is resonating in me to be able to name the horror.


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06 December 2010

Family gathering

his weekend we had a family gathering.
The group of people I refer to as family is not that extensive – just three adults (my sisters and me) and three kids (niece, nephew and my son)


Equal Money For AllI enjoyed myself. Last night in bed I thought about what is different when with my family and when with other people.

First of all: I am so much more at ease. I know I am accepted for who I am. And vice versa. So I am not on guard all the time - to prevent getting hurt, or deceived or whatever. I can speak my mind freely without fear of being ‘excommunicated’ :)

Secondly: If I need some privacy I just say so and it’s accepted. And vice versa.

Thirdly: We have a lot of fun, but we communicate our ‘worries’ also, and support each other.

Fourth: We do not expect that much of each other (although there are some points we do expect, like unconditional support when needed)

I’ve worked on the family construct and for now it is cool.

With friends these points are less simple.

Exploring my relationships with people it becomes increasingly clear to me how everything I need, want, give, expect, do, don’t, say, think and so on – is out of fear of my survival. I haven’t come across one single point that isn’t build upon that fear of survival.

When I am alone, meaning there is nobody with me, even then – my whole life is build upon and around fear of survival. And distractions to for a moment have the illusion it is not about survival. It is extensive.

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18 November 2010

Nivea–hypnotic advertisement

was watching tv last night and there was this advertisement for Nivea, a line of products for the human skin. I have a strong reaction to this brand. I’ve noticed before; with a previous commercial - Nivea for Men – they end with ‘what Men Want’ and I experienced the tendency in myself to believe that Nivea is what men actually want.images

Why is that? I trust Nivea. I’ve known this brand for so long, maybe since childhood. when I see Nivea I think immediately: ‘healthy, sunshine, family’, I feel safe and taken care of. I do not remember, did we use Nivea at home when I was a child? No memories of it, probably we did because in those days there was not such a variety in products.

I did buy Nivea in the past and experienced it being not  more or less effective than most other products. So I do not buy or use it. Still this reaction to Nivea is in me, like a hypnotic state, seeing this blue box with the specific white lettering I slip into a state of trust, feeling safe and secure and want to be as healthy as the blond, attractive mother with the sun tan in the commercial (well, the one I link these feelings to that I saw in the past). Of course I stop it but last night I experienced this is quite a strong, automated reaction, that I do not experience with other products. Wait, yes, I do on other product, toothpaste that my parents did use – Prodent – but less prominent. Both have in common that I’ve known these products all my life. Well, now I come to think of it, there are more, like Maizena, I use this to prepare food because my mother did use it before me and because I like the product.

Lately I’ve been observing commercials on tv , especially the commercials from companies/products I do/did bond with. They do appeal to some kind of loyalty – I feel loyal to these companies, because of positive experiences when dealing with them. And in their commercials I see they appeal to that loyalty, the loyalty gets emphasized even more.

nivea-logoimagesI was looking for pictures of Nivea on the internet and there was this page full of them: I react strongly to the color blue with the lettering.

<-though not this one, no reaction, so it is not just the color blue with the white, but the specific lettering in particular. And the shape of the box like in the first picture, but primarily the specific lettering on the box.

Well, I am ending the automated reaction to Nivea, this hypnotic state of mind I let myself be trapped in.

More info on the hypnotic effect I allow Nivea to have on me:

MC indicates I should check my starting point of working on this subject

I want to be done with the subject, not because of the effect it has on me, but from the starting point of doing my ‘homework’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility for the hypnotic effect of the Nivea-picture by placing myself as a person that has ‘to finish her task’ instead of working through the point of the hypnotic effect I allow to be triggered by the picture of Nivea in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient with myself and not willing to walk this process of exposing the effect the Nivea-brand has on me step by step. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself and self indulgent at the same time instead of relaxing myself by breathing and push myself to work through this point. I am too tensed=because of being hard on myself. I am self indulgent=allowing myself to stay in this state of mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take time for self intimacy, being close with me, here, pushing myself to work on this point instead of taking time for myself to be intimate with myself and from within that work on this particular point. Enough – I am here, with me in me as me.

Ok – I realize I have been avoiding to face a certain point. To face it in his totality – instead I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I’ll write about it in another post. The Nivea point I’ll address later on. Will be interesting though to see what the picture exists of.

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09 November 2010


am noticing an increasing rage within myself. I started to notice it this summer when following what is going on Dutch politics – we had elections and this time the more ‘right winged’ parties won and are therefor allowed to form the Government. I felt this rage coming up because of their plans to economize, but merely cutting back the people that already do not have that much money to spent and well of people aren’t barely affected or even better of. Getting even more more more more ‘fair share’.

I am so immensely pissed because of the inequality of all of this/because I cannot comprehend why these people and their voters are so selfish that they want more more more money and luxury at the expense of fellow citizens that will not have even enough money anymore to buy food - yes, this is already happening here in The Netherlands – people have to go and get their food for free somewhere, charity,  food that is thrown away by stores, that nobody else  wants to buy anymore. They still have food that way, I know, these people are way better of than the starving in the rest of the world, but I can’t stand this principle, I hate it!  And now this is happening over here, where there is plenty, more than plenty. Where there is a lot of food that gets thrown away every single day… Food imported from Africa, where the farmers have barely enough to survive, we ship their harvest to Europe and then we throw it away! So unspeakably wrong… yes, I am full of rage.

So far I do not mind this rage – when I can use it to stand up.

But what I really need to look into is that I feel this rage could overwhelm me at one point. That I could easily get possessed with it. I think. So far I observed myself experiencing this rage – I could also see there is a line I could easily be tempted to cross and get violent. Thoughts of placing bombs and shootings crossed my mind. I realize this is mainly because I feel powerless at this stage.

I can even see what is happening now is a good thing – from the perspective that how bigger the gap between rich and poor gets, the more likely it is the Dutch people will eventually revolt and maybe maybe maybe be ready to work with an equal money system. So the social injustice could very well be very supportive of the implementation of the equal money system, I know. But I still feel this rage because of these people that are so totally into ‘more, more, more’ for themselves – and do not consider the rest of the world, not even people close to home, their fellow citizens.

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06 November 2010

Loose ends

t one point I’ve decided to not allow myself to write about other stuff until I ‘finished’ the topic I was dealing with – the musophobia at the moment. There are a million other things opening up, but I have this idea that I should first finish what I am doing before starting something else. That I should completely focus on the mouse-thing for now and not be distracted by other points.

I can see that’s because I know I let myself get overwhelmed easily by exploring too many topics at the same time, so to stay focussed is ok. But now this is keeping me from exploring the other points.  For instance what is happening with me with regards to my role as a mother – much movement, realizations and struggle within that – I certainly would benefit from writing it all out instantly.

So this idea of keeping myself focussed on just one topic is not that effective.  

I know what I am afraid of: that I will not work through the mouse-point effectively when I at the same time work with other points. All these loose ends in my life make me feel like a failure – nothing properly finished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as as ‘a failure’ because there are many things in my life I left unfinished. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to categorize in ‘finished’ and ‘unfinished’ and labelling ‘finished’ as good and ‘unfinished’ as bad. Finished and unfinished are one and the same.

Besides High school I didn’t ‘finish’ any study – always dropped out for various reasons – mainly because I never was really motivated. And High school I finished because I didn’t know what else to do at that time. There were many things I liked to do, many things I liked to study – but in the end I was never motivated enough to push through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because in the past I did not carry through these studies, courses. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about myself because my father disapproved of me not carrying through my education. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with my father because he disapproved of me not carrying through with my education – because I feel he never supported me in carrying through, just judging me but not supporting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my father for not supporting me but yet disapprove of me.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel left on my own by my father regarding my education and using this as a justification for my lack of perseverance and my lack of motivation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider this as missed opportunities and let myself defined by it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as a person of ‘missed opportunities’.

expand on: ‘angry’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel abandoned by my father by not being there for me  when I had no clue what to do with my life and no idea what direction to take. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider it all to be my fault and not consider my father to fail in supporting me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself for always taking the blame for anything regarding my father – instead of taking in consideration he was the adult and me the child and I needed him to support me in this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about myself for not getting approval from my father and judging myself as not worthy of his love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still take the blame and feeling lonely because of that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold myself from being angry with my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and fear the anger that is building up in me right now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use all kinds of justifications for my father to not experience anger towards my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider myself as my fathers ‘keeper’ for as long as I can remember, protecting him and always finding excuses for him. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for waiting in silence for his approval. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to finally find some approval in him stating ‘you are sweet’ by the end of his life but also be surprised he did see this only after so many years – I was 38 years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed by my father when I found out he had not been seeing me at all for all these years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a picture of how my father saw me, that he loved me as much as I loved him, that I was special to him like he was special to me – only to discover that was not so; he just saw me through his own eyes and I was not that special to him; not special enough to take effort to know me for who I was.

expand on: ‘on my own’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so extreme lonely and lost in this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support me as I feel my father should have and because of that felt lost without direction all my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still seek approval from my father by demanding from myself to finish things, not having all loose ends. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval of myself – to not judge me as a failure because I do not always finish and leave loose ends.

I accept me. I hear me. I see me.

So ok – I am perfectly able to work on more than one topic at the same time. I will not undermine my ability to work on more than one topic at the same time by the belief I am a failure when not finishing a topic first – instead I realize I trust myself in this to be self honest and see when I avoid to continue working through a topic out of discomfort.

Practical speaking, there is a limit to the amount of topics I want to work on at the same time. So I will take notes of points opening up and work on them later on.

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03 November 2010

Mouse alert! #2–Possessed


watch myself getting more and more controlled by this fear of mice – I am on standby for any sign of a mouse constantly, ready to get out of here, in a continuous state of overstrained alertness - especially when it’s dark at night: that’s when they are active.  But yesterday afternoon the neighbours cat had ‘sneaked in’ and almost immediately started chasing a mouse in the living room, so now I know they are still here during day time. Though I am still not that scared in the day time.

I am actually obsessed by this fear – mind possessed  – the fear has taken over, is in control. I see mice everywhere, in the simplest acts like seeing a bottle with juice: in a flash I think ‘is there a mouse in there?‘ With every little noise I sit straight on guard – mouse!? My cat is staring – mouse!? I see movements in the corner of my eyes  – mouse!? I see these movements in the corner of my eyes all the time – but now this is linked to mice.

Making dinner in the kitchen – well, it is getting dark by 5 o’clock and so my fear gets more prominent. I really have to put myself to it, the cooking, otherwise I would not make dinner at all. It’s quite funny how I act while cooking: stamping my feet to scare the mice away, making lots of noise, singing, so they know I am here.
After dinner I make sure there are no left overs, no crumbs, get things I probably need like beverage, close the door of the kitchen to not enter again ‘till the next morning.

mouseclimb1608I’ll stay in the living room for some time, reading posts on the forum, watching YouTube vids, after an hour or so the noises getting louder – in the kitchen, but also in the back of the living room. I’m kind of used to it, so it is not that upsetting but at a certain point I’ve had enough and head upstairs, to the safety of my bed.
‘Till 2 nights ago I considered ‘upstairs’ as a safe, mouse-free zone. Then I thought I heard noises in my bedroom, saw movements close to my head, in the corner of my eyes – Mouse alert! Fear, but I did not want to give in, it would mean the end of my safe zone and I would have nowhere else to go in this house to feel safe from mice. It would mean I would not be able to sleep because then this mouse would crawl all over me. And I made very clear pictures of this happening in my head – aaaah! So I had to convince myself I was only fooling myself and there was no mouse at all. Succeeded in that. I call this: numbing – I just refuse to let certain thoughts play out, I just deny so it doesn’t exist. Severe Suppression.

t is quite cool observing myself and making notes of what is happening, what is playing out in my head while in fear of mice and writing it down in this post. Also because I’ve never actually taking this fear seriously, meaning I felt foolish for fearing them and other people laughed about it. 
Also: there is no difference in how I handle this fear for mice or all other fears I am allowing to play out in my life.

(I also notice myself wanting to write ‘Destonian correct’, meaning instead of ‘I fear’ I feel I should write ‘I allow myself to fear’ to prevent people commenting and pointing this out to me. I get kind of annoyed with it, because I know all of this, but I do not want to write it down that way when I am not actually experiencing that I am ‘allowing’ myself, but feeling a victim of it. But this is another topic I’ll write about in another post. This point is not just ‘Destonian’ related, it has played out in many other occasions in my life.)

I’ve observed 4 stages, or different parts, playing out:

  • fear
  • anger
  • numbness
  • guilt/sadness



At some point anger comes up. I get nasty and yell at ‘them in the kitchen’ like: ‘if you dare to come in the living room I’ll cut your head off’ and things like that. I throw things, magazines in the direction of the kitchen door. The anger is not self supportive, the anger is towards the mice and destructive, not empowering self (anger can be empowering, when used to state: Stop!) Besides that, I wonder what I would do if at that point a mouse would actually enter the living room lol I doubt I would ‘cut his head off’ for real – most likely I would run.

I prefer the anger though – it makes me feel less of a victim of the mice.


Is where I just suppress every thought of mice and convince myself with reasoning, with ‘common sense’, there is no mouse at all. At this stage it is important to me to not actually be confronted with the sight of a mouse – only then I succeed in hushing myself. So I prefer to not actually see the mice for that reason, for me to be able to deny their existence.


Guilt and Sadness

I am kind of ashamed to tell but I did buy poison to kill the mice. And I use it. For the simple reason I can’t allow the mice to take over my house like it happened many many years ago when Dj was still a baby. I was way back then in severe denial of the presence of mice in my apartment – I only allowed myself to know there are 2 maybe 3 mice, not more, while in fact there must have been 40, 50, maybe even more, before I acted. I was already very very scared of mice then.

poisonI did try all the ‘humane’ ways of catching mice and put them outside again – this didn’t work: I’ve only caught one mouse this way and it did die still, out of stress. Another mouse that fell by accident in a bucket died of stress as well. So in the end I poisoned them to get rid of the mice. They had caused quite some damage – the wash dryer and the refrigerator for instance they’ve destroyed by nibbling essential parts.

So now I am using this ‘practical reason’ to not feel the guilt I am actually experiencing by causing the mice to die by poison. I saw one of them lying behind the fridge, dead and I felt so sad. He was such a tiny creature, not as big as I imagined in my ‘scary mind’. Tiny paws, slim tail. I felt sad I had killed him, but also realized I was only able to feel sadness and sympathy for the creature because he was dead, because he couldn’t get up and scare the hell out of me. I feel I am such a hypocrite! With this SilentlyTheySuffer Youtube channel but meanwhile causing these creatures to die by poison…

But I really do not see any other option. I cannot allow so many mice living in my house for obvious reasons. We do have a cat living with us but she is not the least interested in mice. She might take a look for a little while but then she jumps back on the coach, to relax some more. And the mice aren’t scared away by her presence, her smell or the smell of the cats box. So she had no solution to offer.



So - I’ve written out of what is happening, made an overview and arranged all the things playing out in my mind. Have to write some parts out in more detail though. I’ll now continue with the SRAT tools, self forgiveness and practical application.

Snapshot of me 7

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31 October 2010

MOUSE alert! #1–Musophobia

am working on my extensive fear of mice.
This week I went into the kitchen and picked up a tray and was unexpectedly confronted with two mice underneath it. I froze completely and it seems the mice also because they didn’t move either. I wanted to get rid of the tray in my hands so I could run but couldn’t find a place to put it so I just dropped it (lots of noise at the middle of the night) ran out of the kitchen, closed the door and ran upstairs. This probably all happened in a split second but it seemed to me like minutes.
It was already late so I went to bed – all shivering, heart pounding, 1feeling quite unsafe. I left the lights on, scared the mice would come into my bedroom. The picture of the mouse in my head playing, like a video. I stopped that but then the word mouse, well actually the Dutch word for it –MUIS- came up in my head and that simple word even scared me more than the picture of the 2 mice!
I started self forgiveness on the fear but could not get a word out of my mouth. I realized at that moment self forgiveness was bullshit because of my starting point: I wanted the fear to disappear and was not able to actually correct myself. I was still quite upset. My fear was extensive.
This encounter with the mice in the kitchen was a moment of truth for me. It showed me the true extent of my fear and all other thoughts and beliefs were fake. I actually thought I had overcome most of this fear – NOT. How self deceptive I can be…

started a session on this specific event. The priority point in this encounter and fear is the desire to control. Obviously (to me) a mouse is the ultimate example of a being I can not control. They come into my house through the smallest holes and ‘secretively’ eat and  procreate, and make noise. I would have been less scared when there had been a crocodile in the kitchen! Because a crocodile is big and less secretive and I can close the door and then the crocodile could not have come out! Although the crocodile would have been a real danger (mouse is not life threatening, lol, not at all)

phobia, strong and persistent irrational fear
Musophobia is a fear of mice or rats.
Musophobia is created by the unconscious as a protective mechanism. This mechanism was probably created as some point in the persons past when they had a traumatic experience with a mouse or rat. Examples of this could be having your house or room invaded by them, finding them eating your food, being surprised when they jump from a trash can, touching them while getting up as they run from under furniture, smelling them, or getting sick from them (The Black Plague in Europe was carried by rats). There are hundreds of ways people could have developed their traumatic experience.
This fear could be triggered by the presence of a mouse or rat in a room or store, seeing them on TV or in movies, someone joking about them, or smelling them. These are only a few possible examples. Everyone experiences their fears in different ways and intensity levels and some react in different ways, such as screaming, running to different rooms, and/or getting to higher ground.

Ok, musophobia.
I used to not be able to even look at pictures of mice without experiencing fear, fearing it would come out of the picture :)
This is such a cutie – I do not experience any fear. I like the eyes, ears, whiskers, its small paws… and maybe, maybe I would even like to pet it. For a moment some fear came up – the thought of it moving fast made me react.
mouse416I react more strongly to this picture: it is the sight of his tail and hind legs that make me start breathing more quickly.
I breathe through this fear while watching the tail and hind legs.

t this very moment I hear at least one mouse doing his thing in the kitchen – noises that make me nervous, not at ease with myself in my home. I do not want to wonder whether the mouse is in the living room when I do not hear the noises in the kitchen. I do not want to realize there is more than one mouse, at least two, maybe twenty or more! Ok, I breathe. And breathe a little more :)

do not recall when this phobia started. My mother used to tell me about this particular event when I was still just a baby. She had placed me outside in the garden in my pram, to sleep. My parents had a big dog back then and for some reason the dog was very fond of me and protective. My mom was busy inside the house while I was sleeping in the garden and at one moment she heard the dog furiously barking and there was a lot of turmoil going on. She ran into the garden just in time to see Robbie the dog jumping in the pram, knocking it over, me falling out of it. The dog had seen this big rat climbing in the pram and tried to catch it.
I do not know if this story is true or how much of it is true - my mother liked to 'blow up' things. It is obvious, I do not recall this specific event. And I didn’t take my mothers story very serious either, although it probably happened for real. She also told me I never ever liked the touch of a teddy bear or some toy like that – I started to cry. It is most likely this is when this phobia was activated.

So far making some ‘notes’, some ranting. I actually never made an big issue out this fear for mice – there aren’t that often mice and when they are, I fear, when they are gone, I forget.
Actually: no one takes this fear of mice very seriously – I am not the only person on this planet with this phobia, lots of people do fear mice- people kind of joke about it and tell you must not be such a chicken about it. I do not know why so many people fear such a relative harmless creature. For what purpose such programming exist. Fear of spiders likewise.
Interesting though is this desire for control and what mice represent for me: uncontrollability.

Snapshot of me 7

27 October 2010

Children & brushing teeth

eing one and equal with your child – how is that practical applied? In theory it is all cool and seems so easy, but I know from being a mother in practical day to day application it is not that simple. First of all because we are all robots and live in a robotic society where we have to submit to many rules – our children included.  How to practically apply myself in this as one and equal with my kid and at the same time submit to the rules of society? Seems impossible but yeah, we’ll have to explore and apply as much as possible common sense in these daily interventions from society regarding our children.

childrenThere aren’t that much ‘Destonians’ with children at the moment and there is still so much exploring to do. Within an Equal Money System there will be so much more potential for self expression for adults and children both.  I am 100% in favour of the kibbutz-like environment  for children to grow up with many other children and adults there – supporting the child with practical common sense,  not ‘raising’ it. Not forcing it to be submissive to all kinds of rules in any form in what area of life and community whatsoever. Not forcing it to form all kinds of ideas and beliefs and judgements of how and who and what he/she must be to fit in in order to survive. The child will not be dependant on just one or two parents to survive – no need for all kinds of power issues. The child will be able to say ‘no’ to adults without fear for his survival.

It will be so cool when the children are allowed to be who they are – express themselves freely, explore their abilities freely and with full support and encouragement by the community.

I would love to be one of those children. I would love to be one of the adults supporting and encouraging the children :)

ut reality of 2010: this is not yet established. I’ll have to work my way through this mess.

Back to my starting point of writing: how to apply ‘one and equal’ practical in daily life in daily, practical circumstances?

gebitBrushing teeth for instance. If I would have let Dj his way he would not have brushed his teeth ‘ever’ just because he doesn’t like to do so. Still not like to do so. When I started to learn him how to brush his teeth and why – because his teeth needs daily cleaning because of the food and candy and beverage becoming dirty and without brushing the teeth will decay and finally probably fall out and then he will not be able to chew, to eat – he couldn’t care less. He was still a toddler and this was something that was not part of his perception. So I had to make sure his teeth were cleaned every day. Sometimes again his will, sometimes I had to force him to get his teeth brushed.

He is almost 12 years of age now – and still I have to tell him to go and brush his teeth. He is able to understand the common sense of having to take care of his teeth now but he still refuses to take responsibility for the health of his teeth.

And I understand: I’ve always told him to do that, so he has developed this attitude like it’s got nothing to do with him – ‘it is moms issue’. And a perfect subject to rebel against my ‘authority’.

How could I have handled the issue differently – when he was still a toddler – him not able to comprehend the why of teeth brushing? To me it is similar to not allow a toddler to play on the road – because I know it will probably get run over by a car.  Allowing him not to brush would probably lead to very bad teeth – so that’s no option.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stuck in this issue of yes/no forcing a child, forcing Dj, to brush his teeth because I consider this necessary for maintaining healthy teeth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as not able to think ‘out of the box’ in order to see other options.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by myself, by my lack of ‘thinking out of the box’ and judging myself for it because I’ve defined myself as a being that is ‘good at thinking out of the box’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘being good at thinking out of the box’ compared to most people I know. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself through the  I Eye of consciousness through comparing myself to other human beings and comparing myself to myself in other circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this writing from within a starting point of wanting to reach the point ‘where I will be able to think out of the box’ again.

realize I often stood as the point of brushing, meaning there was no way around for Dj and these were the moments there was no discussions, Dj just did brush his teeth. Then there were the moments I was actually just stating he should brush his teeth because I felt I was supposed to – these were the moments Dj argued and I would get annoyed and feel sorry for myself ‘I had to do all this mother role stuff’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by being a mother and having to take care of all this stuff that has to be done, like making sure Dj brushes his teeth, goes to school, goes to school in time, cleans up his mess, hangs the bath towel to dry after showering, closes the door when the heating is on, locks the front door, secures his bike, changes his underwear, takes a shower, doesn’t stay in the shower for ages… and many more – when I do not feel like it, when it feels like unceasing, endless repetition, when I feel like a slave to this mother part, a slave to my kid.

expanding on ‘goes to school in time’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down hearted by Dj’s being uncooperative and even opposing in the morning.

I forgive myself for feeling victimized by Dj’s attitude in the morning when all I want is to support him in getting to school in time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so to prevent school from complaining about Dj being too late too often. Actually – I do not really care if he is too late when not for school or because Dj himself feeling awkward entering class late.

expanding on ‘…doesn’t stay in the shower for ages’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about the bills to come regarding Dj taking very long showers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with Dj because he shows no understanding what it would mean if I wasn’t able to pay the bills. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed by Dj because he shows a lack of caring what would happen if I wasn’t able to pay the bills. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire Dj to show some accountability for his action of taking very long showers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety because of the amount of water and electricity and gas it takes when Dj taking these long showers and the effect this has on our environment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire Dj would care about  the environment and behave accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I had more money to spend so Dj could take long showers without me worrying about the money. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for thinking that because it implies I wouldn’t consider the effect that ‘taking long showers’ has on the environment.

So – what will be the practical application? I still cannot allow Dj to take such long showers all the time – simply because I can’t afford, very practical. So I will stand as the point of not allowing no one in this household to take such long showers.

Teeth brushing, well, I am already letting go more and more of the responsibility I experienced regarding whether he does or does not. Almost 12 he is and I consider him capable of taking care of his teeth himself. I will remind him though and if he allows himself not to brush, well, the consequences are his. And so I tell him. I will relax and be at ease with it.

Digg This

16 October 2010

Experiencing Panic


bout experiencing panic - yes, this is obvious thought-related. I've experienced and still am, a lot of panic and fear in my life. As far as I can tell panic is always the outflow of me being caught up in many, many thoughts - not being in my body, but in 'the head' and indeed, in a split second the experience of panicking is there - then for a moment I am totally caught up in this experience, but can clearly see this (continued) experience is the outflow of me having certain thoughts.

Stop the thoughts equals stopping the panicking experience. 

But - in that moment I feel like I am not able to stop - like the thoughts are bigger than me - yes, I realize now I am thinking this is 'the real me', the fear, the panicking is more 'reality' than me not fearing. Interesting - at SRAT  I tested out on a similar situation where I was not experiencing fear and the thought came up I should experience fear – that there was this belief of me not being the person that not experienced fear – swapping of identities. So, yes, I am totally in this belief that I am fear, a fearful person and that when I am not fearful, well, that is not me, that is not real.

What would I be without fear?

*lol I know the answer - but I do not live the answer



14 October 2010

Fear and panicking

you-re-not-alonewas just having a shower and was quite occupied with this battle I allowed myself to start and be trapped in – with DJ. At one point I experienced this panic: I wanted to scream ‘please don’t leave me alone’, I needed to restore the situation to the way it was before the battle, to restore some kind of contact with him – ‘kind of’ is ‘better’ than none at all. That is what I was experiencing and so much more the truth of me than all the thoughts on the subject I was having before I felt this panic.

A familiar fear and panic. In all my close relationships this fear played quite a part. My mother, my father, my sisters, my partners and now with my kid. Well hidden of course – suppressed and hidden by many thoughts of self-importance blown out of proportions as result of polarity self inferiority.

I am so fearful of loosing contact.


hen I was young, 18 or something, I attended this therapy group. At one point we did this exercise of imagining going through a door and exploring what was behind that door. I found myself in a desert like landscape, very dry, no green vegetation, just some withered bushes, with thorns. I was looking around to see if there were some people when I heard/felt beings approach. I hid behind these bushes to see what was coming my way – ah, people – but robotic people. They all looked the same, walked the same, were the same. Cold and indifferent. I was so scared I panicked. I snapped out of the imagination and cried, I was immensely shocked.



y mother, I feared her because, well, I was never sure if she would be there, or he ‘the devil’ behind her eyes. Would she be ‘normal’ or scare the hell out of me?

The years after she died (I was 28)  I had some reoccurring dreams, well, nightmares. The one that scared me the most: I walk into this bar where I am a regular guest. To my surprise I see my mother at one of the tables talking to some people – this was strange because she had died. The people sitting at her table turned to me and my mother smiled at me. Then these people turned away and continued talking. My mother kept looking at me knowing we were ‘alone’ in that look – and in that moment the creature shows his real face: triumphant, devilish, scornful, fierce… I panicked and ran for my life.
Words can’t describe the fear – I couldn’t and can’t find the words.

Later on, I had this other nightmare over and over again, many things happened in this one, but the end was always about her eyes and the creature coming towards me to harm me - then I woke up, in great fear. After having this particular nightmare over and over again I at one moment in this nightmare decided it was enough, enough is enough, and I took a pair of scissors and  cut out the creatures eyes. So there was nothing to fear anymore.
Never had this nightmare again.

On the internet I looked for pictures of devilish eyes – but none was exact the picture I saw/experienced. It is not how the eyes look, it is what is behind the eyes that terrified me.

I am not sure yet how to process this fear.

05 October 2010

SRAT session on this memory repeatedly popping up

mst_wyd_counting_handsWell, I did a SRAT session on this particular memory repeatedly popping up (see here) and I was quite surprised lol 

The Priority Information that will assist me while working with this particular memory:

Gemini – Communication Should I communicate with Jorinde about this particular memory/event? Yes
Further Priority information: word – Open: Open house for Visitors (open dag voor bezoekers)
Meaning: when I was at their house it was not “open house for visitors”? Yes

Ok, so I just wasn’t welcome because of something that had nothing to do with me – yes
Session complete with regards to the memory popping up? Yes
Is there any particular meaning/pattern I have to work with regarding this specific memory? No
Is there any particular meaning/pattern I have to work with because of this memory repeatedly popping up? Yes
The Priority Information that will assist me to identify the specific meaning/pattern of this particular memory repeatedly popping up - sentence: “Of all concerns you are occupied with, sleep comes last”
(Van alle belangen die uw aandacht vragen, komt slapen op de laatste plaats )
lol yeah, meaning I should sleep instead of paying attention to memories popping up? Yes

Priority Point to work with:
Not feeling welcome
People not liking me
Neither <---

Ok, clear, session done naam4

03 October 2010

Memory popping up – me being not welcome


memory kept popping up this week.

I was 16 years old and there was this big school party on Friday night. I met up with my ‘rebel’ friend Jorinde there and secretly we smuggled in alcohol and we got quite drunk. We had our fun doing our ‘rebel’ things (like smashing the doors).

At that time I lived in another city and yes, I missed the last train home and had no place to stay. Reluctantly Jorinde offered me a sleep over at her parents house. She smuggled me into their guestroom, but her mother found out and there was some fuss about it. The mother and my friend did whisper though and I could not hear what it was all about. I didn’t feel comfortable and would have left if I would had have another option. I could go to the train station and wait for hours for the first train to come – but it was cold and dark and not that safe to do for a girl of my age. So, no, I felt I had no other option than staying over with this family.

dvs139618The next morning at breakfast their ‘hostile’ behavior continued and I felt so so so uncomfortable… I froze and was very clumsy and insecure of how to behave. I had no clue why they (the family) acted that way. My friend wouldn’t answer my questions and I was left in the dark. I felt it must have been ME – they didn’t like me… I blamed myself for it. And I felt even more bad about myself than I did before.

So, this memory kept popping up. While writing this I remember this memory has opened up before in the past, more than once. thinking about it, it seems like a mystery – there was something going on in this family and they kept it a secret. My friend never wanted to talk about it. I feel the need to ask her once again (she lives in France - I could contact her by email) But why should I, what would be my starting point in this? I feel I want to place the pieces of the puzzle so I can have an overview picture. So I can see it had nothing to do with me… Or maybe they actually didn’t like me for whatever reason. I want to know. But what good would that do? It is my memory, my feelings and emotions and self definitions, how I experienced the situation.

Placing in perspective: at that time I was living with my elder sister and her partner, because my mother couldn’t cope with my grief and depression because of the loss of My First and Only Love. The partner of my sister, well, he didn’t want me over there either. So I felt I wasn’t really welcome anywhere.

I left my sister and her partner when I was 17 and went to live in a small apartment of my own (well, just one bedroom) and finished high school. I felt totally lost and had no clue what to do with my life or myself. One big depression and insecurity and lack of confidence.

I’ll do a SRA session on this one memory.


19 September 2010

Children & Education

goat I was thinking how Equality can be practically applied in regards with children and education.

I imagined me being the teacher of young kids who aren’t skilled in reading etc – taking them to the Animal Farm.

We see a goat and the kids all excited and hugging and petting the animal – some not – they are maybe a bit scared of this animal that is bigger than themselves :)

So, we are there to learn about words and living beings and living words.

I tell the kids: well, this animal-being is what we call ‘goat’. We have agreed to all use this particular word ‘goat’ to point out all animal-beings that have the same characteristics. Look at this animal-being-goat: look at his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his fur, four legs/feel how his fur feels like, touch him gently/smell his smell/listen to him breathing, the particular sounds he makes, his ‘beeeh’…

We should not teach kids to link words to pictures in a picture book – the word should be linked to a real, tangible experience.

Just some pondering about how to practically apply Equality


07 September 2010

Taking care of myself financially - paperwork

eendje Listening to the video’s about the Income Plan etc and thinking about myself possibly being able to take care of myself financially, well, it is exciting. Also fear comes up. To let go of the comfortability of being taking care of by the system, financially. Which will inevitably ‘fall’, probably very soon, because the ‘social system’ in Holland will be limited – so this comfortzone will disappear anyway.

Also, the idea of having to pay taxes, well, not the paying in itself but all the paperwork it involves – ah, I have resisted this. Even when there was a chance I could get some money back, I wouldn’t go for it, because of the paperwork. I really, really do not like all this bureaucracy, this ‘endless filling in forms’, sometimes more than once, again the same one. I once made a mistake and had to pay 800 euro’s! I knew this wasn’t right so I phoned the ‘taxes’ and luckely they reduced it to 200 euro’s – still 200 euro’s too many, I didn’t owe them a dime, but I paid so I could ‘go on with my life’.

So, yes, this is what I resist – I do not want to have to do all these paperwork things.



29 August 2010

the flow of writing

a Black Calligraphy Ink Pen Writing on White Paper Clipart Illustration Haven’t been writing for awhile – being busy with Structural Resonant Alignment Training and the sub4subbing on YouTube – time consuming. But also: I do not know what to write about. Which is bullshit lol there are so many things going on in my day to day life!

I have allowed myself to let the flow of writing myself to freedom stagnate. I self correct now.


Started to investigate the why I wear the clothes I wear, starting with my underwear. Another post :)


04 July 2010

SRAT – investigating “Sharing”

87704772 The priority point I’ll be working with regards to my relation with B = Sharing Sharing in general with all people

Ok, sharing – earlier on I’ve stated “sharing, that’s me” I do identify myself as being a sharing person. As far as I can remember I was as a kid sharing – not necessarily my candy, but being ‘social’, caring about other people’s welfare and if needed, sharing with them what I had.

Supproting word = Hennepziel v (m) kern van hennep in een stalen kabel
/literal translation: Soul of Hemp - Core of hemp in a steel cable

Hmm, don’t know what to make of that… Meaning the core of sharing is delusional like with drugs or/and strong like hemp?
Meaning the core of sharing is delusional like with drugs… confirm, yes

It is funny though that the word hemp comes up in relation to B because she has been smoking marihuana for a long time and was addicted to it for the first years of our friendship – without me noticing/acknowledging that was mainly the reason for her constant lack of money. I gave her some money every once in awhile – which I regretted later on when I realized why she always lacked money. People tell me I’m good with money, I am not so sure of that, but that’s beside the point – I’ve always managed to have enough money, even save some, without being miserly. I’ve always bought what I wanted (within certain restrictions – I mean, I don’t have the money to buy really expensive stuff) but when I am going overboard, I restrict myself, to not spend any money besides buying food till there is enough money again. And when there is enough, well, I like to share my ‘abundance’ with a person that is having a difficult time. At one point I realized – geez, these people, they get the same amount of money every month as me, why do I take care of their shortage????These people spent their money on stuff that I don’t spent money on – they live a more ‘luxurious’ life than I do. For instance I am not in the habit of buying luxurious food, but my sister is, she smokes cigarettes while I make my own – she is always short on money, but has the luxury of ready made cigarettes, so why should I give her money? So I stopped doing so or feeling guilty for having some money when they don’t. I do not know why I even feel guilty for it – because I am ‘good with money’, a skill to cope with money? (do I? or is this just people talking? My parents used to tell me this too – but I never totally agreed – I just didn’t know on what to spend my allowance on, that’s why I still had money in my pocket by the end of the month)
Is this relevant to ‘hennepziel’? yes

Ok, still not sure what to make of ‘hennepziel’ Soul of hemp.
So what is the core of ‘real sharing’? What is best for all. What is best for all? I know it isn’t my sharing of money – because of what they are spending their money on. I’ve supported them in keeping themselves pre-occupied with their fears. Still – where does my ‘need’ for sharing originate from? Why is there this need to ‘overflow’, to share ‘my abundance’? Abundance always being something that is labeled positive: money, stuff, laughter, wisdom, support, time, attention, care, happiness… I‘ve never shared my abundance of grief, or worry or etc.
Soul of Hemp - Core of hemp in a steel cable
Core and Hemp are specific relevant to this priority point, not soul, neither steel cable
Meaning the core of me wanting to share is delusional – holding false beliefs.
I do experience a kind of stubbornness within me, in my stomach area - I do not want to let go of the picture of me being a 'sharing person'.

‹Ingrid› Resonances, I would like some perspective on sharing please - myself experiencing as a sharing person, sharing my abundance
‹Resonances›Ingrid - Muscle Test the following: Is my experience of abundance energetic, to hide my actual experience of guilt?
‹Ingrid› tested out: yes
‹Resonances› So - Ingrid, what guilt towards people are you trying to hide within-yourself, through making it up to them in a way, through wanting to share an 'abundance' that's not real, and do not exist = because all that is there, is guilt = you've manifested a polarity opposite for yourself as abundance to hide quilt towards people
‹Ingrid› geez, I'm in the dark, for now - quite a new perspective for me...
‹Resonances› Ingrid - Muscle Test the following: Do I feel guilty because of my experience of treating people unfairly?
‹Ingrid› tested twice: no
‹Resonances› Ingrid - okay, muscle communicate this question: Do I experience guilt towards people, because of how I've treated them?
‹Ingrid› tested: Yes
‹Ingrid› I've acknowledged me feeling guilty because of the dishonesty in me towards other people - but lol I do not see what sharing my abundance and the guilt... It seems to be not related, different people etc hmm have to take a real close look at this construct
‹Resonances› So - Ingrid, now you look specifically at, the point of 'treating people' - how and why you treat them in certain ways / are certain ways towards them, when it's not needed, which means - you're using people as a way to 'discharge' emotions/feelings within yourself, exterting it out on others = instead of working-with yourself
‹Ingrid› aaaaah cool, well not cool, this rings a bell or two or hundred
‹Resonances› Ingrid - what you've done is the following - created an energetic experience of abundance that isn't real, as a polarity-point of the actual experience you're having which is guilt within-yourself, now - you've hidden the actual experience of guilt within-yourself behind the 'experience of abundance'. So - you say you want to share abundance with people, but that's not actually so - you want to 'make up for the guilt you experience towards people' through sharing abundance. Instead of working-with yourself in relation to the point of guilt towards people
‹Ingrid› So, I really got some work to do on this point. I felt quite some resistance towards letting go of my 'sharing'identity. I saw it as my 'one good thing' - makes sense when it is all about feeling guilty

Having a hard time dealing with this 'sharing' stuff.
So I created 'sharing my abundance' as a polarity to 'feeling guilty'...
What do I experience as 'my abundance'?
Yesterday night I was wondering and then this sentence and feeling of 'abundance and happiness' that goes with it came up: The day I was born God smiled...
Then I looked for the opposite and it was there already: The day I was born God didn't notice...
and with that was this emotion of utterly inferiority and fear because of that. Like I did have no right to even exist... no right to breathe, pee, eat, no right at all: I should not be here or anywhere else, not even in the afterlife - just not exist.
I felt very heavy, dark and in great despair - because I do exist and can't help I'm existing, so where should I go. what should I do? God was there and he didn't like me at all.
Relevant? yes


Ingrid - You are looking straight at a base programming placed within the design to ensure that no-one ever stands up. There is always this figure 'above' everyone else determining whether on is valid/invalid, right/wrong. Recognize the programming for what it is - and pay it no more attention.
When you experience the emotional charge associated with the thought. Stop and breathe through it as it will pass when you give it no more attention.

Ok, I will work on me feeling guilt towards people.

supporting sentence= andere manier je innerlijk leven stimuleren = stimulate your inner life in a different way
specific word?

stimulate your inner life in a different way
mmm, don't know what to think of this one... Like I am using guilt or abundance to feel alive? yes

So just drop it (both guilt and abundance) and get a life :)
I will watch for every movement in me towards sharing, observing what thoughts there are that move me - this used to 'happen' automatically, before thinking it over I already offered my support. Nowadays I do feel the urge, but stop and do not act on it: that is I do not offer my support, but just wait and watch myself - because I do not want to act from within this 'automatic response'. Then the urge disappears.
I still cannot relate to the guilt part in it - that is: I do not experience guilt, just the urge to share and support others. The thought of me stopping 'sharing' feels like a relief in a way - especially because it 'always' seems to bring me in trouble: people expecting me to give more and more and judging me of not giving enough or the wrong way or whatever - I'm very sick and tired of this construct. I do now allow myself to care of myself.
About the guilt: what I do experience for years now, is this question: am I my brothers keeper?
I do not want to feel responsible for other peoples emotional, spiritual or whatever life's. That's why I've kept my mouth shut when I noticed their dishonesties, where they were fooling themselves etc. I justified it by stating 'I am not my brothers keeper' and 'they will not listen' and 'they won't be grateful, just attacking me, so better keep my mouth shut' and 'who am I to judge, I do not know for sure that I am right, how can I be sure? Maybe I will harm them, so better keep silent'.
All the while I did feel 'I am my brothers keeper', I should point it out to them, they can do whatever they want with what I'm showing them, they are responsible for themselves, but I should tell them what I observe.
I did not confront them (most of the time), because then I would feel responsible for them and have to take care of them. Pfff, quite a topic. lol but then again I would take care of as many people as possible. What a mess :)

‹Resonances› Ingrid - you, have you investigated further into the point with regards to experiencing guilt towards people in relation to your experience towards them.
See you've noticed some points, but the question furthermore would be why you deliberately don't wanto to completely recognize/see this point.
Consider having a look at you defining yourself in relation to how you are and act towards people as it being an acceptance of 'who and how you are because you've always been that way', and within that - that you're livign and acting towards people in certain ways/manners in thought, word and deed
because in this way, you hold onto the remembrance and memories of your mother - like attempting to
keep your mother alive within yourself through how you live

you hold onto the remembrance and memories of your mother
that you're living and acting towards people in certain ways/manners in thought, word and deed

In relation to feeling guilty towards people I'll be working on the remembrance of my mother, that I am keeping alive in living and acting in certain ways towards people in thought, word and deed.

supportive sentences: "Gevoelsmatig wordt u aangetrokken door mensen die er dezelfde idealen op na houden als u. Zelfzuchtige mensen worden snel maar zeker door u terzijde geschoven. Wees echter niet te vlug met uw oordeel - zij hebben misschien geleerd nee te zeggen, terwijl u zich deze eigenschappen nog moet verwerven."
translation: Instinctive you are drawn to people with the same ideals. You push selfish people quick and undoubtedly aside. Do not judge to quick though - they might have learned how to say No, as you still have to learn.

That's what I've been practising - to say No, just no. I've noticed that 'being selfish' isn't that bad as I perceived it to be. It is a whole lot easier, that's for sure But still I fear me judging myself as being selfish, not completely comfortable yet. Ever since Desteni

In relation to my mother - I think she was a selfish person - more accurate: I see her as a being that controlled everyone and everything. We, her children, we were her property, she owned us, like she owned the house, our bedrooms, if friends were allowed to come over (ha! none), which friends were allowed to come over (only the ones she liked and had a good time with), what channel on tv we had to watch because she wanted to watch that particular movie or show). Everything had her name on it. The house and furniture were of more importance to her than the inhabitants. There was no privacy - she entered my bedroom whenever she felt like it, changing the decoration, my decoration whenever she felt like etc.
With D, my kid, I did it the other way around - I allowed him very much, to the extent that there was no room for me any more lol I'm in the process of changing that, claiming my space back. My privacy, a ' personal life', say No and not feeling selfish but as taking care of myself. Finding the way to balance out when and where and how and if. And that's cool.
relevant? yes
specific enough? no
I can see I am being controlled by the picture I have of my mother, by acting and feeling the opposite: not selfish and controlling, but by doing that I lost control, direction over myself. I've let circumstances and D and others and my mother (still) direct me, out of fear to be like my mother and disgust for the way she diminished me. But in being the opposite, I am still the other polarity also. The selfishness versus the .... hmm, I still haven't found the right word to describe the polarity for selfishness, me versus my mother.
I cannot direct myself 'properly' when controlling me all the time, to check if and when I did not respect others privacy, their right to be in their own space, have their own space. I am so freaking tolerant, that hahaha there is still no space for me left, like in my childhood. I have become MY MOTHER to myself oh geeeeeez how obvious

Is this the core point? yes

March 2010

08 May 2010

SRAT – Motel, driver license

Motel(Am.-Eng motor + hotel):  roadside hotel

Motel = for me: picture of freedom, to be free like a bird, to be able to move myself literally wherever I want to. In these American movies there are these people on-the-road, travelling with almost no luggage but with the comfort of a bed and shower in these motels. In the movies they are always on the run, but that’s not what fascinates me, what I want for myself is this freedom – no worldly possessions like a house to take care of, pay the bills, being part of society and living by the rules. Just a bundle of banknotes to pay for the motel and food, nothing that binds me to one place. That’s what I would want. Like there is nothing to fear. People come and go and that’s ok. No relationship but just in the moment. No commitment other than to myself and my car.
I do not drive a car myself, I do not have a drivers license. So I lack that ability. But even if I had, I would be too scared to live that way.
Yes, the ultimate picture of Freedom – American highways, motels, diners… Get your motor running, out there on the highways – born to be wild lol
Yes, I am jealous of the abilities and expression of people that live their lives outdoors, not ruled by society or fear of leaving the safety of their home.
I think these people are strong and very capable of taking care of themselves – they must be fearless. They create and live by their own rules.
It is the driving of a car also – I do admire (especially) women that drive well, smoothly and secure, with guts though. And in the past I have been sexually stimulated by watching the legs of man when driving their car, watching their muscles move when stepping on the gas etc.
So, the ability to drive a car, and the expression of freedom and capability (strenght) of taking care of yourself and being able to go where and when you want to... is what I am jealous of, what I am lacking, from my perspective that is.
(Why I do not have a driver license though my father offered to pay for it when I was eighteen?
Because I thought I could not drive because of my bad eyesight. I have been told over and over again by my mother that there were many things I couldn't do because of my BAD EYE (Ingrid's slechte oog). Including driving a car. )

This jealousy because of the ability and expression of other people that are free to move themselves by car, I experience usually in society.

I experience this when outside, in pubs for instance – every place where I meet ‘strangers’ with their own exciting life. Especially outsides (on the streets for instance)
I feel dull, like missing out on something. I want to go with them, this person and live a ‘motel’ life. Let go of all precautionary measures and simply jump – the person I really am, secretly. It is actually a feeling in my stomach, like an emptiness in there. That needs to be filled with ‘jumpyness’, juicy, little bubbles of joy and being alive.

I actually did ‘jump’ a couple of times – just did it, hitting the road with the ‘stranger’, and though it wasn’t not all fun, dangerous stuff sometimes, I felt very much alive – and in a way I felt close to my own strength, not all the time, not all the way, or maybe I was, yes, there were moments I felt free. Free of fear. Free of ‘bills’. Free of the ‘normal’ responsibilities. Committed to me in the first place. And meeting strangers in a strange country, in a strange place, in a strange situation – and I enjoyed every minute of it! (lol except for the minutes I didn’t enjoy)
I am now speaking of one particular time in my life, a couple of months I spent with W, had some kind of relationship with the guy. This man was ‘crazy’, with lots of crazy ideas and though I did not believe this all to be true like he did himself, I went along with it, because you never know:) Besides that, it was not about what is true, what is illusion – it was about being alive and enjoying my life. Bubbles in my body, bubbles of joy and excitement – not knowing what will happen the next moment.

Would I want to spent my life that way, like I did those months with W? No, not the travelling around (well, yes, I still would like to travel, in a camper – but no driver license, no money), but not for excitement and stuff. I would like to feel alive, to feel free of this self inflicted do’s and don’ts , experience myself as joy and bubbling with laughs for instance, not knowing what will happen and not worrying about what will happen, because I am here now, and the next moment is the next moment, not here yet.
So yes, that’s why I am here at Destenis, in process – ha! Don’t need a drivers license actually!

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect freedom, being alive, here, with driving a car, motels, being on the road, travelling, strangers – instead of realizing that freedom, being alive, here, is always available because I am here. I am freedom, I am Alive, I am Here.
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as inferior because I do not know how to drive a car.
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others that do know how to drive a car as superior because I perceive them as being capable of taking care of themselves, as strong, as self confident, as more free than myself, as of more worth than myself, as more sexy than myself because they know how to drive a car.
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my father: “you will be more self confident when driving your own car”. Yes, I belief this to be true.
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect self confidence and driving a car.
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not self confident because of lacking the ability, the capability, of driving a car.
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self confidence as ‘the ability to drive a car’ and believing I’ve been missing out on something in my life and still am missing out on something because I do not know how to drive a car – so I am not able to be free and self confident and taking care of myself completely and perceiving myself as lacking strength.
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define driving a car as sexual stimulation, because of the movement of the muscles in a man’s leg when driving his car – sexual arousal because of the man and the car perceived as being ‘one, connected with the idea this man being ‘one with his body’, connected with pictures in my mind of having sex with this man must be wonderful and exciting, because of his bodily strength and his arm muscles, connected with his smell and smoothness of movement.
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as lacking self confidence. Self confidence being of systematical origin and Self Trust of Life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and belief I should be self confident to succeed in life as my father told me, I should adjust to society, the systems in order to be successful and driving a car is essential for ‘making it’.
Yes, this is why I resisted learning how to drive a car. I resisted having to be part of society, I resisted ‘making it’, being successful, even resisted wanting to be successful. Resisted being self confident. But I didn’t really know what I DID want way back then, so I got stuck – and still am from that perspective, society’s perspective, what I perceive society’s perspective to be.
Interesting – on one hand I claim driving a car to be Freedom, Alive, being unlimited, on the other hand I perceive driving a car to be a symbol of being successful in systematical life…

Self Corrective Statements:
I am Free Here
I am Free to move myself Here
I am Free to move myself Here freely as an expression of who I am in every moment of every breath
I move myself freely here in every moment of every breath
Being free is unlimited, not connected or restricted by an ability, situation, mood, personality, time, age, outdoors or indoors. I am Here, I am Free
I move myself freely here in every moment of every breath, not restricted by any idea, feeling or emotion
Do I really perceive myself as being stuck? No, I do not - only when I look at me through the eyes of society (what I perceive to be the eye of society) In fact - I experience myself as being exactly there where I placed myself.
Physical Action that will assist me is:  Stand as the Point

hmm, little bit of confusion here - to stand as the point=breath? hmmm, my body is answering this question lol I feel my feet, legs, very specific. Literally standing as the point and living the 'I stand'.

cool :mrgreen:

6 januari 2010

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