Speechlessness

T

omorrow is D’s birthday – it means to me that already 12 years has gone by, but in a way all is still with me like it happened just a few months ago. Time, these 12 years, has assisted me to separate myself even more from this horrific period in my life (the 9 months pregnancy, the Caesarean at the hospital and the months following)

I have never found the right words to describe my experience – got stuck every time I started writing in some random, general description and judged every other sentence as self-pity.

Maybe I lack the vocabulary. I know by experience the importance of finding the exact right words to be able to release, to be able to get to the core. So far every attempt stranded in ‘speechlessness’ – exactly like my perception of what I’ve experienced then: not able to speak the horror. It got stuck in my chest area – and it still is. When trying to speak/write now, I am still stuck in my chest area.

I guess I should stimulate myself to re-live the horror and at the same time be aware of breath – to pinpoint what is resonating in me to be able to name the horror.