During the ‘Horror thing’ period of say 1½ year, I WAS speechless. I could not express in words what I experienced – so no wonder I can’t now either. Most of this period I felt like being hit quite severely in my stomach – not able to breathe, grasping for air.
During my pregnancy, due to the hormones, I found myself not able to think over what happens, just overwhelmed by this storm of emotions. I completely lost the skill of putting things into perspective and into common sense. I just experienced, without means to release. I felt like screaming most of the time, and I mean SCREAM, but I dared not to because I felt my belly with the child in it would burst open… and the child would be pushed out and die.
So I got stuck in this state of not speaking, not talking, no writing, and not screaming. I did have these outburst of anger though and did not or could not control myself. There were many things I saw and did not like, for instance: I worked at this New Age centre at that time, and people were talking about another person that wasn’t there – in a spiteful way, covered with some nice smiles and New Age clichés. I just could not stand it and abruptly with force pull my chair back and ran off, yelling in anger I didn’t want to be there with them being spiteful. Not once someone asked me why I was so upset and I guess they didn’t take a close look at themselves either. Perhaps they didn’t take me seriously because of my pregnancy or because of me yelling in anger.
I guess this was part of the state of being pregnant – maybe some parts of my brain weren’t working properly; I experienced for instance sometimes not being able to tell the time because I didn’t understand the clock, what it was saying – I just couldn’t read what the specific indication of the pointers were telling. Scary. Or not able to remember ordinary words – awkward.
Well, many quite shocking things happened during pregnancy and the year after Dj’s birth – now I am referring to people, allegedly friends and Dj’s father.
This ‘horror thing’ consist of many incidents, all piled up to one HUGE speechlessness, all glued together, intertwined. Best start with the memories/pictures I do remember and write out in detail.
Btw – from now on I will be referring to Dj’s father as ‘him’.