Loose ends

A
t one point I’ve decided to not allow myself to write about other stuff until I ‘finished’ the topic I was dealing with – the musophobia at the moment. There are a million other things opening up, but I have this idea that I should first finish what I am doing before starting something else. That I should completely focus on the mouse-thing for now and not be distracted by other points.

I can see that’s because I know I let myself get overwhelmed easily by exploring too many topics at the same time, so to stay focussed is ok. But now this is keeping me from exploring the other points.  For instance what is happening with me with regards to my role as a mother – much movement, realizations and struggle within that – I certainly would benefit from writing it all out instantly.

So this idea of keeping myself focussed on just one topic is not that effective.  

I know what I am afraid of: that I will not work through the mouse-point effectively when I at the same time work with other points. All these loose ends in my life make me feel like a failure – nothing properly finished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as as ‘a failure’ because there are many things in my life I left unfinished. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to categorize in ‘finished’ and ‘unfinished’ and labelling ‘finished’ as good and ‘unfinished’ as bad. Finished and unfinished are one and the same.

Besides High school I didn’t ‘finish’ any study – always dropped out for various reasons – mainly because I never was really motivated. And High school I finished because I didn’t know what else to do at that time. There were many things I liked to do, many things I liked to study – but in the end I was never motivated enough to push through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because in the past I did not carry through these studies, courses. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about myself because my father disapproved of me not carrying through my education. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with my father because he disapproved of me not carrying through with my education – because I feel he never supported me in carrying through, just judging me but not supporting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my father for not supporting me but yet disapprove of me.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel left on my own by my father regarding my education and using this as a justification for my lack of perseverance and my lack of motivation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider this as missed opportunities and let myself defined by it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as a person of ‘missed opportunities’.

expand on: ‘angry’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel abandoned by my father by not being there for me  when I had no clue what to do with my life and no idea what direction to take. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider it all to be my fault and not consider my father to fail in supporting me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself for always taking the blame for anything regarding my father – instead of taking in consideration he was the adult and me the child and I needed him to support me in this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad about myself for not getting approval from my father and judging myself as not worthy of his love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still take the blame and feeling lonely because of that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold myself from being angry with my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and fear the anger that is building up in me right now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use all kinds of justifications for my father to not experience anger towards my father. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider myself as my fathers ‘keeper’ for as long as I can remember, protecting him and always finding excuses for him. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for waiting in silence for his approval. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to finally find some approval in him stating ‘you are sweet’ by the end of his life but also be surprised he did see this only after so many years – I was 38 years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed by my father when I found out he had not been seeing me at all for all these years. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a picture of how my father saw me, that he loved me as much as I loved him, that I was special to him like he was special to me – only to discover that was not so; he just saw me through his own eyes and I was not that special to him; not special enough to take effort to know me for who I was.

expand on: ‘on my own’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so extreme lonely and lost in this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support me as I feel my father should have and because of that felt lost without direction all my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still seek approval from my father by demanding from myself to finish things, not having all loose ends. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval of myself – to not judge me as a failure because I do not always finish and leave loose ends.

I accept me. I hear me. I see me.

So ok – I am perfectly able to work on more than one topic at the same time. I will not undermine my ability to work on more than one topic at the same time by the belief I am a failure when not finishing a topic first – instead I realize I trust myself in this to be self honest and see when I avoid to continue working through a topic out of discomfort.

Practical speaking, there is a limit to the amount of topics I want to work on at the same time. So I will take notes of points opening up and work on them later on.












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