28 February 2009


Woke up this morning with this akward feeling in my stomach, of fear. Because of putting my birthname in the open, on YouTube for every nuthead in the world to find me and terrorize me.

I realize this is because of previous experiences of feeling not safe in my home because of some nutheads in the past. To be specific: Henkie and later on Wouter. I felt terrorized by these guys. The first one actually broke in my home and stole some of my clothes - I didn't know he had been there (he used some kind of key) untill I missed that piece of clothes. That felt so unsafe that someone had been in my home, going through my things, looking at my private things - because he had a cruch on me he allowed himself this. Henkie wasn't the average guy nextdoor, he had a criminal background and once he physically threatened me, not cool at all because at that point I knew he had access to my home, so he could come and 'visit' me at night. And hurt me.

That never happened. I moved out (not because of him, but because of some other relationship) and was out of town for a year. When I came back, it made me take a 'secret' phonenumber so he couldn't find me that easily.


Wouter wasn't the average 'guy next door' either (lol, I've always felt attracted to people that are out of the ordinary, men and women, because of their unexpected behaviour - them threatening me is the downside of this attraction) Geez, I realize I have to write Wouter and me out, extensively.

Oh my, and Johan comes to mind now. I forgot all about him, but he frighten the shit out of me. Because of my... well finding the right words for that experience is 'half of the work' I guess.


Then why did I put my birthname on YouTube when Bernard asked us to? At first I didn't but that was out of this fear. I can see the common sense in putting our birthnames, not hiding behind nicknames, being anonymous. I see many people on YouTube saying idiotic, nasty things, even threatening - now, It would be cool if these people did that and stand for it, by using their real names. Not Donald Duck or SpiritAtHeart and then allow themselves to write all these crazy, nasty, destructive words to another anonymous being. Virtual reality.

So I decided I want to stand for my words, and use my birthname. lol I did stand for my words already, but the act of exposing my identity is for 'them outhere' to see I am standing. I actually don't take shit anymore on my channel on Youtube and neither on the DesteniNL channel. When someone just comes to call Desteni names, or me, or threatening and stuff like that, I just simply block them. Most of the time I put a message on their board or email them why I blocked them and deleted their comments. No abuse allowed. Questening the Desteni material is fine, no problem - but no abuse. That's so cool, this stand, for me it is, because of all the abuse I've allowed throughout my life. And now standing, saying NO, I'm not allowing you. I am not allowing me. Cool.

I will write these guys out of my system in another blog.

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