Something came up while talking on the phone with my friend. She said I wasn't looking that good the last time I saw her, getting thinner etc. Well, I told her that's ok, I didn't mind, comes with the territory etc. And that's how it felt at that moment.
Later on while in the shower I felt fear, some panic arise when thinking about what she said. Made no sense at all. Did sf on this. Pictures came up of 'friends' from the past telling me I was too thin (they were thinking of themselves as 'too fat' and using me to feel better, I guess and I let them abuse me this way, though it hurted me that they needed and wanted to abuse me this way) Ok, but this was not the intention of my friend on the phone. She was sincerely concerned about me aha no, even she had her own selfinterest at heart. I know this, because I am this too. Actually it is stupid to tell people they look bad and that they should take care of themselves. Just thin air. I mean, cook a meal or something, take action, but just these words...
Ah well, still no release, just mindtalk in the shower LOL Then I started to get pissed - I want people to let me be, do not touch me with your words etc! Got even more pissed and started talking to someone/thing outside me that it is never good enough, that I am never good enough! etc. I 'know' know that it is me talking to me, but that's not what I experienced - it was actually someone outside me, bigger than me, cause I looked up saying that.
So I replaced my fear with anger. In anger I feel stronger, more able to stand on my feet. I am neither.
Obviously there is fear connected in me being not good enough, never good enough - automated answeringmachine in me: I am not good enough, I am this, I am that etc I am this answeringmachine.
got to go, will continue later
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow these 'friends in the past abuse me and theirselves by letting them compare and feeling better about themselves because of comparison. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up at that moment and telling them to stop (because I was aware of what and why they were doing what they were doing) - I did not stand up for myself, I did not stand up for them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give other people the opportunity to abuse me and theirselves by not standing up.
I will not allow this, no more, never. I take the responsibility for me and my words and deeds and will show others theirs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt by the deliberate harm these two friends inflicted on me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt because of these two friends not being aware of the harm they inflicted. Weren't they? Ah, I've always thought it was out of unawareness, but that was what i wanted to believe! It would have been unbearable, the thought they did this on purpose. Maybe they did, 'maybe they didn't care!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer a state of ignorance above what was really going on, by continuos, deliberate thinking 'they do not know what they are doing' and within this not taking responsibilty for what was happening to me, and within this not confronting these two friends with their selfdishonesties. I've always 'understood' why people do what they do and let them do it to me...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive 'the thought that people harm each other and me on purpose' as unbearable - instead of realising it is me hiding for what is really here and stand up and say: NO! I will not allow this, this is unacceptable. This is not who we are, you are, I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide out of fear what is HERE, right in my face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the voice telling me that 'You are not good enough, You are never good enough, You never look good enough, You never do things good enough' outside of me and above me - instead of realising this voice is me, repeating over and over again some programming.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise these thoughts of 'you are never good enough' are programs running and not who I really am. I've been listening to the same record over and over again, hypnotized by it, letting me be hypnotized by this subliminal voice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress these feelings of 'not good enough', in stead of standing up and saying: NO! This is not who I am, this is my programs running. I stop believing these thoughts. I stop listening to these thoughts. I stop participating in these thoughts. I stop the thoughts.
I will not allow myself no more no longer to accept abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'I am not good enough' 'I'm not doing enough' to fear and panic. Fear is fear and 'not good enough' is 'not good enough.