06 March 2009

Fear of Weather/selfinterest

I've always kinda fear and in awe of the force of nature - huge storms, thunder, heavy rain, heavy wind, that's actually all that happened so far here in the Netherlands. No earthquakes or tornado's, so relatively safe.

I feared it but always there was the reassuring thought of the 'known' - we've had so many storms already in my lifetime and there never happened anything 'very bad', life threatening to me or in my world.

Now everything has changed. Before the storms were kinda like an outlet for all the 'overflow' of human created energetic surplus, created by emotional feeling and energetic charges of the physical of the human, programmed systematic weather. By the removal of The White Light everything has changed. We are on our own now. What will happen with the weather now it is out of the control of the system?


So basically the effect that we will be having, beings will become emotional and feeling wreaked basically will become uncontrollable from the perspective that you’ll go mad you’ll go insane with to regards ‘ what you are feeling what you are experiencing’ inside yourself because we are not being a slave supporting the mind any more.

We really have to sort our shit out. I really have to sort my shit out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to fear all the uncontrollable, bigger than me, bigger than my small world, bigger than my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to create the picture and therefor separation of something 'bigger than' and 'smaller than' instead of realising this is polarity and the 'me' is not 'smaller or bigger than', but all is one and equal. I am part of that, not separated from that which I perceive as 'bigger than me'. I am that. That is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to get kinda pissed because the Weather leaves us on our own, 'helpless' and smaller than Weathers force. ieeeeeeeeeeeek, I actually comforted myself with mans power to control nature and weather. To feel safe, to not die or have a bad accident. I do put myself above all this. I am more important. Weather is less, I am of more value, my child is of more value, my family is of more value to me than weather, nature, animals, than other people I do not know, that are not visable, tangible, so they do not exist in my world.

Selfinterest. Selfinterest like any other human being. That's why it is such a mess. I actually trust myself more when saying this stuff outloud, this is who I am. Yeah, I like the other picture of myself - the 'loving, caring' one, the human being that is actually living oneness and equality, but lol, that's not who I am at all, yet. I am full of self interest. I used to think that I would put my childs life above mine, but I started to doubt that. Will I actually choose him and not me???? Of course, I do not know now, and it is of no importance. It is the question of self interest and the deceiving of myself, thinking I would put my childs life above mine, the mother matrix, feeling 'good' thinking those thoughts, I am questioning this.

So yeah, I'd rather have these earthquakes happening in for instance Japan and then I will sit safely here, going 'oh, that's terrible, we really must stop our minds!' and then go and sleep troubled but safely in my warm bed. Using these thoughts of 'stopping the mind' like donating money to help the victims of that earthquake, a substitute. Easing my consciousness and go to sleep. Fuck! That's the truth of me. Pleased to meet me.

So I embrace me as 'all self interest'. I embrace me 'as fear of the uncontrollable like the Weather and from within that wish it to happen to others and not me'. I do judge myself for that thought, for the selfinterest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to judme me as 'bad' because of self interest existing in me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to hide the self interest behind the picture of me as caring person that wishes no one harm.

When safe and warm in bed at night and hearing the sirenes of the ambulance I am glad it is not me or my family having an accident, hearing the sirenes of the fire brigade, I am glad it is not my home that is on fire. Very quick thought that is, almost immediately covered by me feeling sorry for the stranger that has this accident and his/her family or for the ones loosing their home - I am not allowing me to be straightforward egoistic, must hide this behind being 'the empathic' person. Like I am donating caring thoughts and that way it will be less bad for the 'victim' hahaaha this is sooooooo not true, I know now. Deceiting myself and all this way is destructive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me for hiding behind the picture of me as caring person that wishes no harm to anyone, but when it comes down to harming me and my family or harming another and his family I surely want them to be harmed, not me or my family. And then feel guilt because of this self interest and thinking it would be better if it happened to me.

Complicated construct lol the mind is good at that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel guilt because of my participation in self interest, which is of the mind and therefor feeding the unified conscious field.

So I embrace the feeling of guilt I create when self interest shows. I embrace me creating guilt. I embrace me creating self interest.

Stil reacting to 'selfinterest and me'. I am not allowing me to be self interest because I still think it's a bad thing, judging.

I'll take a short break now, going in circles here.

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