13 March 2009


aah ok, personal attacking on YouTube is starting. I've opened up a new channel and used my birthname, uploaded the Desteni vid about using your real name to stop abuse on YouTube. And some guy is attacking me on 'me hiding behind my child because all I say my child this, my child that' and 'why can't he see me in my vids'.  I react. Strongly on the 'child' part. And him using my name 'Ingrid'.

So yes, it is 'working', the birthname thing. I react more strongly because of that. It feels more 'intimate' as if he knows me.

'Stop hiding behind your child' Yes, I should stop that. In real life I do hide behind my child. That's what moves in me when reading his comment. And I felt like commenting back with some 'smart ass' answer. Protecting me. Well, I didn't comment yet, maybe I wont. Next thought that came up was: what is best for all in this case? And here I am, writing, because that's best for all, me purifying me. Maybe I will respond later on this guys comment - see if and how I can assist him.

Reacting on Hiding behind my kid + Reacting on being 'attacked' - that's what's happening, this guy is talking 'shit' - I do not comment with 'my child said this' all the time - maybe once or twice. And I did upload some vids with me in it on my former channel, so yes, he is reacting to something on the vid, or Desteni, or something and is taking it out on me. (I still have to make sure I am being 'fair', seeing straight - not trusting me yet)

Attack - me in counter attack. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel attacked by unappropriated criticism. Onterechte kritiek. Aaaaaaaaaah, box of Pandora - many times in my life I've felt I was attacked in my back, by 'friends', leaving me speechless, breathless. Just plain vicious attacks. To hurt me for some reason I didn't understand. It hurted because I couldn't see why someone wanted to 'knock me down', brutal, abusive, because of what? Obviously I did something, said something that was triggering somethings in these 'friends' - many times I could see this had nothing to do with me, but it still hurted because they were supposed to be my friends and why, in stead of taking a closer look at yourself, should you stab a knife in the back of someone you call friend? Yes, still hurting I am. Ooops, must I really write down all the times this happend? It happened alot. I allowed it alot. I always felt breathless, in shock. Unfair. So unfair and not safe - because when a friend, or my mother, all of a sudden turns against me and out of the blue starts stabbing me, becomes some evil stranger, where I should feel safe with because of friendship, because of family, because of the relationship, well, if not with them, where could I feel safe, when could I be sure the other person wouldn't do such a thing? Yes, right nowhere, no one. That's what I've learned, the hard way - no one can be trusted, always self interest first. Not even I can be trusted. I used to think I wasn't that 'bad', because of me withholding from acting on reaction on other people when observing in me I was reacting to something that was me not them. When feeling pissed, when feeling to want to hurt them badly, I withheld, took a look in myself to see what's really bothering me. And of course, there have been people that do the same, they aren't bothering me lol - it's the ones that were close to me that were attacking and hurting me out of their selfinterest. Not seeing me, just their own mindgames and no sense of some selfcriticism - yes that hurted alot. That's the core of it - me feeling hurt because of it, really really hurt - I cried, a long intense cry, like a child with big surprised eyes - with all good intensions, just being herself, no clue why her mommy turns against her all of a sudden. Some movement in my belly now. Aaah, it's gone -succesfully suppressed lol I'm sure it will show up again as I continue writing about 'backstabbing'.

Back stabbing. It's not the stabbing, it's the 'back' in it that's hurting. Me being oblivious of what's is going on behind my back, living my life my way, having fun, and then 'banggggg' knife in my back - shock.

I will continue in the next post

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