Dealing with death


I
was just talking with D, about the loss of Bobbie, our cat. We both do not feel well – we miss him and we are in shock because of his violent death (by car, he was hit by a car). D said he wished Bobbie was still here and I realise he is making himself sick by wishing. Wishing for something that isn’t. Bobbie is gone and wont come back. We will not touch him again but by imagining so. And that’s not real.

I am observing myself. The longing to make Bobbie ‘real’ ‘touchable’ again, making these photographic pictures of Bobbie in my head. So for a moment it is like he is here.

And projecting the images of Bobbie dying over and over again – to force myself to realize he IS gone. So I am in my head, dealing with him gone. What is HERE?

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish, long, desire for Bobbie to be with us again, touchable.

I experience loss. There is a space that is empty now, the space that Bobbie used to occupy.

I feel a need to know where he is now. An idea, picture to soothen the experience of loss. Preferably a picture of him being happy lol

D asked me where Bobbie is now. I do not know. Maybe he is reincarnated as a human, maybe he is not. I do not know if he is happy, sad or nothing. I have no answers, and that is ok. I do not want to tell D things just to make him feel more comfortable, though I am tempted because he is so sad.

 

What is reality? This is reality. Bobbie is gone (well, we do not see/hear/feel him=our experience of ‘he is gone’) The physical manifestation of Bobbie is lying burried in our backgarden. Bobbie as Bobbie is gone – as the cat we knew.

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