SRAT – Nihil, Neglecting

N

ihil, zero, nothing and Neglecting – well, this afternoon I had a conversation about being neglected as a child and the impact this has on me as a mother. I had to  cry at one point when allowing the pain in me because of this. And seeing this playing out in my life over and over again, this pattern of being ‘knocked down’ by other people, and me not seeing this coming, so feeling stabbed in the back by this. And me crying because I do not understand why ‘people do these things to helpless, vulnerable beings’, like children, like me as a child, or when pregnant, to a pregnant woman with a helpless being in her. Like I am nothing, not worthwhile, nihil, like this little creature in me being worthless, nothing, nihil.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require to be on guard when with people in my circle of trust, out of fear of this ‘backstabbing’, not trusting myself to be able to stand, fearing to experience the pain of the shock of ‘backstabbing’, fearing the experience of shock, fearing the experience of helplessness, like when I was a child and thought I had to endure these experiences because I had no way out.
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not being able to handle effectively the ‘backstabbing’ instead of realizing ‘backstabbing’ is not real, ‘backstabbing’ exist because I create it, I give it meaning and definition.

3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself, meaning taking care of myself in the appropriate way when ‘attacked by others’ meaning ‘saying NO, I will not allow you to do this to me and yourself’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shocked and defeated, sad and angry and automatically withdraw myself from the situation playing out instead of stating ‘till here and no further’.
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself accepting and allowing others to react and act from the mind conscious system instead of confronting them and me.
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and act like a victim – by being shocked and knocked down by (re)actions/words from other people towards me.
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not being able to understand such actions, meaning I disapprove strongly, I perceive attacking helpless beings like children, animals, pregnant woman, naïve beings, wounded beings etc is a bad thing to do – in this creating the opposite (I would never ever do such a thing) and with that creating the ‘backstabbing’.

Self Corrective Statements:
I stop victimizing myself by withdrawing in ‘shock’ and ‘not understanding’
I stop creating ‘backstabbing’ and ‘knocking down’
I stop experiencing and perceiving myself as nihil, zero, worthless, inferior
I stand as strength. I stand as taking care of myself. I stand as vulnerability. I stand as fearless.
I stand as taking care of myself – not the right words, but it is the core point  Not neglecting myself, but how to put it in words? Hmm, have to think about it, tasting it lol

--->I allow myself to take care of myself

 

30 januari 2010