28 January 2009

Beggars like me

mall shifts in my world - proofing myself to myself, in day to day life.

Sundaymorning waiting at the busstation with my friend and the kids, a man came to us, asking 60 eurocent, so he could take the train home to Zevenaar.

My friend told him no, and he turned to me. I looked at him, in an intense way, I did not hear what he was saying, in me a kind of struggle. I remembered something that was said on the forum about not giving money to beggars because that's how you support this system. At the same time this other belief of me wanting to share was present. I have enough money, so why not give this guy some of it, so he can go home. He probably was a junk, by the looks of him, and by the way he behaved, but first of all I saw another human being. Not a system. And I looked at him not hearing a word he spoke.

I didn't really understand why not to give money, just remembered it, not able to live it, because it was not me, but merely an idea in my head. The 'wanting to share' idea was more prominent, so I ended up with giving him some money. Telling him that if he was lying about why he needed the money, it would be his responsability (whaaaaaa, I actually said that! so dishonest towards him and myself - actually just a justification why I gave him the money, knowing something 'was not right')

Ok, the guy went away and I talked with my friend about what happened. She told me he changed his story why he needed the money, where he was going too and the amount he needed several times while he spoke to me - me not hearing a word he spoke. So it was obvious, common sense, he was not telling the truth and so on. Well, I didn't actually mind - to me this was an interesting encounter with me and the junkie/beggar as me and within me.

I didn't and still don't blame myself, or criticize myself for 'falling for it', or any of this, that's cool. I could see this event was to show me to me.

Later on, back home, I sat down and saw this picture with much detail of the guy in my head, very intense he was here with me. I took him in me and applied sf - on being a junk, a beggar, depending on stuff separated from me/him and more. Then I could actually see I gave him the money because of the addict in me and in him not giving the money I would actually in selfhonesty say 'I am not allowing me to be an addict, not allowing me to depend on something/someone' and that sir, is a brdge too far lol. So at that particular moment (not aware of these thoughts) I felt trapped: saying 'no' would have meant 'I am not allowing you to be addicted, but me, yes, I can be because I have money', so saying 'yes' was the 'easy' way out - well, a little easier. This 'wanting to share', well I'm not clear on that one yet, but surely there are some hidden self interest points! Opening yet another box of Pandora lol.

I'll have to look up the 'beggar stuff' on the forum - I'm not sure if I understand. Or maybe better not, because it would mean just knowledge to me - I do not need more knowledge, I'm stuffed already. How to practically apply, that's what counts.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...