Osho and me

I reacted on what someone on the forum said about Osho - a tricky fucker he called him, I was going whahahahahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa you are talking to OSHO. OSHO!!!!!! 
hahaha cool, I am still one of his sanyassins, yes, separating me, placing Osho way above me, so stop this, Ingrid, you are fucking with life lol

Osho is me, me is Osho, osho, hahaha 'strange' name btw

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from osho by judging me as 'less wise', a student, sannyassin. Fuck, now this comes up - this picture of Osho and then me filling myself with love, devotion, tenderness... I used to think of that like osho was the tool for me to experience my own love source, all spiritual stuff and so on.
First I will go and look for a picture of Osho - a special one that used to soften me on the spot and fill me with LOVE ENERGY lol Can't find that special one, will look for it later.
I remember watching desteni vids for the first time, months ago, Nostradamus it was, and then there was a vid by Osho - I was so excited, and scared. I watched it and went, whaaaaaa this isn't Osho, these Desteni guys, what a lying bunch! He didn't even sound like Osho at all. Then I saw another vid with Osho in it and watching Sunette, I saw Sunette making some gestures so Osho like and I went whooo again, it is him! And then again - ah well, this Sunette knows exactly how to copy. I wanted to believe it to be true, and then again it scared me. Shoot! I can't remember what was said on the vids. So this is what happened when I watched for the first time Osho in Sunette's body on video.
Yes, I valued Osho's message from the afterlife above others messages. Just because he was Osho. But then again - I valued them less, just because they were Osho's. hmmm strange. No not strange - I was/am still? pissed because Osho wasn't 'right' after all.
So I did put alot of trust outside me, in Osho, dead or alive in the flesh - I am separate from him because of this belief he knows more, best, this enlightened stuff, thingy hahahaha I am trying to fool myself - enlightenment was all for me!!! And used it for separating me even more, because enlightenment was something soooooooo fucking special, an enlightened being like Osho was soooooooo fucking special, and I am just a human being still sooooooo entangled in the mind, a sooooo fucking not special person lol
It feels like a totally different life - me being a sannyassin with this mala on my chest. I do not regret it, no not at all - I had a great time, a couple of years, then he died and I was not a sannyassin anymore. End of story.
I was 28 years of age when I started to read Osho's books. My mother died and then it hit me right hard in the head, the question why we live if we have to die got very urgent for me. I remember what impressed me most of my mother dying, dead, gone - I walked into the bathroom and there were here personal things, a shawl hanging there with her scent still in it, all her stuff looked so 'helpless', empty. They were of no meaning at all without the person that they belonged to. All that stuff my mother 'possessed' - she was very materialistic - she had to leave it all behind and it became just as lifeless as she was, just as dead. Ah well, the question why we live, the meaning and purpose thereof, became very urgent to me. In the library I found these books by Bhagwan (Osho called himself Bhagwan then) and started reading. I was so excited and happy - finally I found what I had been looking for all my life! I wasn't interested in money, a career, kids, owning a home, stuff like that. I felt lost in life: when not interested in these things, what else is there? Most people around me were either working hard or just doing nothing - both not an option for me really. So this was what I was looking for. I kept on reading for months and then I felt I wanted to meet people that were 'touched' by the same questions as me. There was this Bhagwan commune in the neighbourhood - I never really noticed them before (yeah, just a bunch of weirdo's in red clothes) so I went there and watched a video with Bhagwan speaking. Lol, I didn't understand one word he was saying - he had this strange accent :) I got used to that and watched some of his video's. The people in the commune - well, I was so fucked up, I did not know how to behave, or communicate with them. And some strange reluctance. No, not 'strange' not to me anyway - just me not wanting to confrom completely, just a bit. So I always would be able to go my own way. Yes, that's my life in a nutshell - always make sure I am able to do things my way, to walk away, to walk my way. I never was a member of a Bhagwan commune. I always stayed in a house of my own. I didn't want to live in a commune, and yet I did want it, but feeling too 'crippled' to interact with people. Not all people, but people that really mattered to me lol, like Bhagwan people. All illusion. I thought male sannyassins surely must be all wonderfull lovers, because they were sannyassins - well, that was a desillusion - they were just as lousy lovers as 'ordinairy' males. LOL
I went meditating and all that stuff. Lots of bodywork too. Had some cool experiences that I considered to be genuine, because I never heard or read about it on forehand. Like when doing this meditation with a group of people in a circle, breath in and slowly breath out making this deep humming sound, forgot how this was called, for 45 minutes, and doing these slow movements with your hands, or rather: allowing this movement to happen. At one moment I felt like many snakes were sliding all over my legs - geez, I openend my eyes, nothing there, closed my eyes and yes, there was this sensation again. I was a bit spooked about it, not at ease with it, but it was cool.
Most important thing, besides 'opening my heart' and regain some genuine 'me', was the realisation that I was responsible for me, no-one-else but me. That if I wanted to fool myself, that was what I was doing: fooling myself, fucking myself. Playing games with myself is not fun.

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