17 October 2008

Seduction, manipulation and streching lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stretching infront of the woman and her husband, through fear of her thinking/believing that I am seducing her husband, because I know if I were in her position sitting there with my husband and a woman were stretching as I was stretching, that I would think/believe she's 'seducing' my husband or 'showing herself off so that 'my husband' can see

What immediately pops up is: yes, I would feel threathened because I know how weak men are, and how easily they let themselves be seduced because they are mainly consistent of sex hormons. By the way they talk I could easily deduce what their main drive in life is: sex. Not love, but sex. And yes, I have felt threatened by this alot - being dependend on men for love and attention (not sex lol) I felt threatened by women that didn't give a damn about 'rules' and just took what they wanted. Not me, I've always been clear about not messing with other womens 'partner' Because, c'mon - women should be solidair because men, well, they are actually quite pityfull, just dicks primairly, but we need them, so, girls, keep your hands of each others man. Somple as that. But of course there were always women that didn't give a damn about my rule lol

Yes, I feel pissed, OMG, I really feel pissed with men, especially with J - this fucken bastard!!! How he made me belief he preferred the company of this hooker over me, just to get even with me (I pissed him off by being unreasonable) My world crumbled down that night. The beginning of the end of this relationship.

Yes, maybe this is true - that my take on men is extensively influenced by J's behaviour and manipulation - always made me believe that he was not 'just a male', had no strong sexdrive, he was loving, sensitive, a doggy - but meanwhile always flirting, charming and sopping his dick in as many women possible. And I kept on believing his words but got very confused by his actions. Of course he did hide his actions for me when we were a couple, and long after that too, but finally I found out about (some of) the things he had done secretly - and there are probably many more - lol talking about betraying trust and simply believing in words spoken like 'you can trust me and if you don't:  there is something seriously wrong with you...' Fuck!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by J so extensively on many points in my life. I have to be more specific, I will be more specific. But first things first - I feel such a fool for being so naive for putting so much trust in J for a great deal of my life (over 20 years). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself because of being naive regarding J's manipulation of me for all those years. It took me some years, yes, to make the connection between what I saw him doing, and had been doing, to all these other people, and partners - and myself. He had done this to me too! And was still doing it! lol took me many many years to realize lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling like a fool for being so naive to put so much trust in J for a great deal of my life (over 20 years) - because I defined him as being 'my best friend'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to define 'best friend' as someone I can trust blindfolded with my life, always be there in hours of need,

amd vice versa - defining me also as 'best friend' of 'my best friend', meaning I would die for him

have to continue this later

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