15 February 2011

2011 Sexual Abuse–getting used to the idea

This last week I’ve been primarily occupied by the idea of the sexual abuse by my father. I went into ‘speechlessness’ = no words to describe.
I granted myself time to get used to the idea that this might have actual happened.
I’ve read on the internet some stories of people that had been sexual abused in childhood – but that wasn’t of any interest at all to me. You know, everyone is capable of sexual abusing their child, but not my Dad! lol
One of the characteristics of a sexual abused child by the parent – is that of total adoration of the parent. And the absolute need to protect the parent.
Well, that’s me :) My main struggle at the moment is to let go of this strong belief ‘I have to protect my father’ – at all cost. And to see what lies beneath. My adoration of my father, well, that had already diminished over the years, but there is still this strong belief of ‘my father would never ever do such things!’

What will be the layer revealing when I’ve actually let go of protecting?
I suspect anger. There are some flashes of anger coming up – but gone as quick as they came.
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