I’m having a hard time breathing now, hands shaky. Nah, let’s go and watch some tv :)
Ok, let’s get done with it: I feel my Dad sexually abused me but I’m not sure. There are some flashes, and it tested out to be true, but…. What if this is not true – then I am accusing him falsely. What if this is true: then I do not want to know… I do not want anybody to think ‘badly’ about my Dad – whether he did this or not. Doesn’t matter he is dead, for years now, he is still my Dad.
So why write about it? Because this is bothering me, imprisoning me and by watching some more tv it isn’t going away. So far I’ve preferred doubt and guilt over knowing – and with that not ‘processing’ it. So self dishonest.
My father sexually abusing me
Common Sense: the question whether my father did ‘it’ or not, is not valid. It is me that is keeping the issue ‘alive and kicking’ and feeding the ‘emotional knot’ I’m placing myself in by making it a question. Making the issue way more bigger than myself. Both possibilities I have to investigate: what it entails for me when there was indeed sexual abuse and also: what it means when it did not take place. The whole range of reactions involved.
I’ve actually convinced myself in the past I was done with this ‘sexual abuse’ stuff. So not true. In writing about my Dad it was inevitable the sexual abuse was to be mentioned – but I didn’t anticipate I would get that upset – again – by it.