From hatred to zero

Funny, yesterday Dj’s father unexpected dropped by – I just started working on my Mind Construct on him. We hardly ever see him, maybe three, four times since Dj was born. On previous occasions I experienced strong reactions of disgust, hurt and rejection – yesterday there was none. For a moment some surprise because of him suddenly turning up.

Working through the Mind Constructs of my Mom and Dad did free up a lot of space in me already – space of non reaction.

So in the time span he was actually here, in my living room – I did not experience much, certainly no reactions of disgust etc. It was only afterwards I started to think about the event and re-creating the emotions by deliberately re-living memories. So there are 2 Dj’s father’s in my life: the actual one – on which I do not experience (m)any reactions, and the other one - in my memory.

I’ll work my way through my Mind Construct of the second one, the man I created through pictures I still hold on to, being deliberately spiteful. And because these pictures of the father that ‘abandoned’ both me and Dj are part of a personality I’ve build around the past-events. Just like I didn’t want to let go of my grudge against my Mom at first – because this was part of the personality I’d build my life around.

Time to take of this mask.

PS it suddenly crossed my mind that maybe I could let him back into in our life if that’s what he is after. Quite a surprise me even considering this because for so long I’ve desired him coming back and me saying bluntly ‘no, fuck off’ lolol. I have no wish for him to be in our lives but maybe he could fit in somewhere? We’ll see.

I’ll keep a diary of me working through this ‘Dj’s Father’ stuff and what I work with regarding ‘old pain and suffering’ :)

 

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