04 April 2011

My Mother the Demon part 3 – Finale

Gears-of-War-Skull-2-256x256A long time ago I did some therapy on my fear of my Mom. I contained my mom in an imaginary circle – she was not able to cross the line and was imprisoned. I was satisfied with that – she was not able to harm me anymore and I couldn’t care less how and what she must experience while captivated in that circle. I finally could be at peace with her not haunting me anymore.
Also I felt satisfaction: it was also some kind of revenge – her suffering.
Although the therapist at the end of our session suggested to release her, I was very stubborn and did not want to set her free.

Now working on my Mind Construct of my Mom for weeks, many points of stagnation: I felt I was not able to let go, not able to forgive her and myself, not able to set myself free. I really struggled – sabotaging myself because of wanting to hold on to the pay off old grudges. Why is that?
I realized the picture of her imagined captivity in the circle is the representation of this holding on, this resisting to release. So I imagined letting her go – lol – didn’t work at first. I saw this demon I defined my mom as, getting enraged in the circle, foam at the mouth, crazy eyes, smashing himself up against the imaginary cage, grabbing at me – quite a frightened sight. But I was safe because I am the one in charge. And no way I was going to release this monster! lol
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Today, after doing more self forgiveness I am ok with it. I set the demon free. I am not afraid, because he can’t hurt me – because I am not afraid any longer. He can’t touch me, can’t harm me. So off you go demon! Run! lol

Of course I realize this is all imaginary – just like my fear for her is made up, make believe: it is all mind-based, created and kept in place with thought-constructs.
I am the creator of all of this. I created the demon and I created the fear for the demon – so I was actually in charge all the time, but didn’t realize :)
Nevertheless I had great difficulty letting go because it all seemed so real! For so many years it felt so real and now I am saying goodbye to this companion-for-years :)

The tools and structure offered by the Desteni’I’Process supported me immensely to walk this step by step, in a structured way – to not loose myself in the emotional turmoil that goes with disturbing child hood memories.

My mother the Demon part 1
My mother the Demon part 2
The Devil in her Eyes
Saying Goodbye to my Mom

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