2008 My mother the demon - part 2

Birthdays - I remember one in particular. We got our presents always very early in the morning on our beds. This particular birthday my mother decided I should be punished severely, not by not giving presents, but by the way she would give them: she threw them at me, sizzling nasty things. I layed as a stiff, world ending cause for me as a little child, being nasty to a birthday girl was somewhat like killing her. I didn't want the presents. I wanted to let them there on the ground like spots on the vinyl.

My older sister with whom I shared the bedroom tried to persuade me to open the presents. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. In the end I did open them, partially for her, can't remember what was in it. I still wish I hadn't.

Time after time my mother knew how to humiliate me. Often I had no choice but to let her. Other times she bought me, like with presents.
When I was a teenager my mum was dying, again. She was in her bed, curtains closed, whining in the half dark. She wanted me to kiss her goodbye, she was dying and I should kiss her goodbye otherwise I would be very sorry when she was gone. Oh my, I felt so torn in two: I didn't want to kiss her, she disgusted me. And I didn't want to be forced to do so either. On the other hand - what if she would really die this time, I couldn't know for sure, could I live with this guilt not to have kissed her farewell? I really felt nauseous, knowing I should make sure I would do the right thing, didn't wanted to be haunted. So I kissed her. Buuurgh, still feeling disgusted.
And of course she didn't die, she lived for another 15 years.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to feel humiliated by my mother.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to unpack these presents that I didn't wanted, compromising to curiosity and what my sister persuaded me to do.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to kiss my mother farewell while I really did not want to do that, compromising out of fear to be punished by guilt and/or fear of being haunted by my mothers ghost.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to feel disgusted by my mother.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to not want to release the disgust I experience(d) for my mother.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to create and feed humiliation and disgust.


NL
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik me vernederd voel(de) door mijn moeder.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik die kadootjes heb uitgepakt terwijl ik ze niet wilde en een compromis heb gesloten omdat ik nieuwsgierig was naar wat er in de pakjes zat en omdat ik me door mijn zus heb laten overhalen.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik mijn moeder vaarwel heb gekust terwijl ik dat niet wilde en zo mezelf gecompromiteerd heb uit angst om door schuldgevoel gestraft te gaan worden en/of uit angst dat mijn moeders geest zou komen spoken.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf om afschuw van mijn moeder te voelen.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik die afschuw die ik voor mijn moeder voel(de) niet wil loslaten.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf venedering en afschuw te creëren en te voeden.




I wonder, was it my pride that was badly hurt? is it legitimate? in the sense that no one should break the pride and will of a child, but should support and assist the child to be 'proud' of himself and be strong in his determination to be who he is. Not clear. Not clear in formulating this.

Family Construct 2008

My mother the Demon part 1
My mother the Demon part 3 - Finale
Mommocking
The Devil in her Eyes
Saying Goodbye to my Mom