The mirror outside/in: meat

I don't go out much, besides the shopping and 'neighborhood talk', so not much opportunity to mirror me in 'real life' (yeah, what is real life btw).

Stayed over with my sisters for a couple of days - and observed some things in/from myself.

Of course we talked about Desteni stuff and although my sister is open minded, she doesn't 'agree' with some or most of the things I am telling. I did come on too strong and I observed quite an anger in me, and impatience with the world that goes on as if nothing important is to be done! I felt some hate even! And a distance between me and other people, even with my sister whom I have been so close with for years. At the same time I feel more 'centered' in me, more relying on me, myself.

We talked about the animal abuse and although she listens (or maybe just let me talk:) when we went for groceries she loaded lots of meat in her shopping cart - I looked at it from a distance and a rush of anger and hate was inside of me. I mean, I told her about the abuse, the torture we let animals suffer, she even wanted to show me a video of an animal being skinned alive, so she knows, but she goes on buying and eating this meat?! This is what is going on in this world, people know where the meat is coming from and how it is obtained, they even have tears in their eyes when they see a little kitten or doggie being abused, then they are very shocked, but they don't care about the suffering of the animal on their plate... They do not want to know because it would mean they have to give up something, they have to sacrifice their steak...
Then I realized, feeling this hate, I was hating myself... hating the part in me that has lived that way for the last 9 years, conforming me to society because that seemed the only way to survive. Hating the part in me that likes to close her eyes and go on consuming and watching tv because it is so much easier... 

"You begin with yourself – you prepare you to assist and support others as you effectively – for how are you able to take responsibility for another in assisting and supporting them, if you had not yet proven you as living proof of your individual process effectively? Though – to assist, what I find effective is to share with another my own experience with regards to self application within and as my individual process – not to ‘forcibly tell them something to want them to listen and believe me’ – because then they will resist, because you’re telling them something, not sharing your own experience of you as yourself. "

Yes, very ineffective, coming on too strong. I wanted to convert, change another being. Being frustrated and angry - not from within, just the mind that wants all other humans to force thinking about what they are doing, allowing and accepting from themselves and others. Impatiens, intolerant. Then I want to beat them, on the head, Wake up, you stupid! :) Actually wanting to punch myself on the head, forcing myself to hurry etc. All mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to want to force and rush other beings and myself into insight and change, wanting to punch them and myself on the head, being impatient and intolerant with the indifference and stupidity I think I notice in other beings and in me as well.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself that I have lived in 'surviving mode' for the last 10 years, dropping any effort to 'be not of the mind'.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself that I couldn't see another way to live my life for the last 10 years.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting from myself to participate in and as the mind. Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik andere mensen en mezelf wilde dwingen en haasten om tot inzicht te komen en te veranderen, dat ik hen en mezelf op het hoofd wilde stompen, ongeduldig en intolerant was met de onverschilligheid en stompzinnigheid die ik dacht te zien in andere mensen en ook in mezelf.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik de laatste 10 jaar in de 'overlevingstand' heb geleefd, elke poging om 'zonder mind te zijn' achterwege latend.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf dat ik geen andere manier zag om mijn leven te leiden de laatste 10 jaar.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en geaccepteerd heb van mezelf om als en in de 'mind' te leven.