09 February 2008

Sexual Abuse

s a child I have been sexually abused, like so many other children. Just to get clear for myself how much damage has been done, how it affects my own behaviour towards myself and others, and hopefully release all this, I will write down what comes up.
I was playing outdoors, a little girl, what 5, 6 years of age? Though forbidden, I was playing in the bushes and ripped once again my skirt, it was a nice brown one, I remember. I quickly glanced around me to see if anybody was watching, because I knew there would be big trouble if caught playing in these bushes and ripping my skirt once again.

I saw Gerrit looking out the kitchen window. Gerrit lived with us. He couldn't have been very old, maybe 20, but for me he was just another adult, no family, just someone living with us. He looked angry, tapping on the window and waving his hand I should come in. Oh my, I was in trouble!

My mother had gone out shopping and Gerrit and me we're alone in the house. And he told me, he wouldn't tell my mom I had been playing in the forbidden bushes. But then I had to do something for him. And he would buy me a nice present too. Wow, no punishment and a present too! That sounded real cool!

He wanted me to undress, in particular my underpants and to lay down on the kitchenfloor. Oh my, I knew this wasn't right! Gerrit told me that if I didn't do this he would tell my mom I was playing in the bushes and ripped my skirt because of it. And I wouldn't get a present. It seemed I had no choice. And I loved presents!

He did some things with his mouth and tongue in my pussy for some time and then he unzipped his pants and told me to put my mouth on this big thing coming out of his trousers. It smelled nasty, it tasted nasty and it looked nasty. After some time he went to the bathroom and I was allowed to go and play. I shouldn't tell anyone about this, otherwise he would give the present to someone else and I would be severely punished.

hat night in bed in the dark, I told my older sister, she was 9 years? old. She was angry. And when the bedroomdoor opened and Gerrits voice asking if she wanted too, she told him firmly to leave and never enter our bedroom again.

He kept his word - he bought me a present. It was a flat thingy to hang on the wall, a black girlie head, I didn't like it that much. I wanted to hide it, I felt ashamed, I knew it wasn't right. But my mom caught me with it and took it away and hang it on the chimney in the livingroom. And there it was, pontifical, the proof I was a bad girl! Oh my, I didn't feel well at all! I couldn't tell why I hated the thing that much... I ended up by ripping it of the wall and throwing it on the doorstep, so it broke. My mom very angry ofcourse, but I was very relieved. It was made out of gypsum, so I could chalk with it on the pavement.

In the past I worked this out for a great deal - I have been very angry with this man Gerrit, to put me as a little girl under such pressure to do things I didn't wanted to do. And so on. So I didn't experience much movement within when writing this story. But... for one thing... I got sexual aroussed. To my surprise. Never experienced that before.

So maybe this event has been the point I was directly linked to the connection between abuse and sexuality

I developed a precocious interest in sexual behaviour after that happening with Gerrit. I was the leader in the forbidden sexual games children play. In the bushes showing our willies and clara's, undressing the little brother of my friend, laying on top of a boy and sticking my tongue in his mouth, having this odd compulsion in my underbelly... I didn't understand myself, but sometimes there was simply this urge.

I experience some pain in my underbelly now, may be related to this, or maybe just have to go to the toilet :)
There are some more things to tell, some more events.
First I will formulate forgivenes on this one

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