23 February 2008

The mirror outside/in: massage

Just a simple massage and all the thoughts, feelings, reactions entangled by it :)
Another thing that 'happened' and made me aware of change in me: for years, all my life in fact, I have been the nice, sweet, loving, caring person. Resulting in for instance massaging my sisters back and neck when they were bothering her. She experience always pain in that parts of her body. For the last couple of years I had enough of that role - always the giving person and not much getting back, so no equal exchange - but haven't been able to express myself clearly that way, due to my own fear of speaking up, confusion of changing role in this sisters relationship, fear.
This time I refused bluntly to massage her, no way I was going to, I just didn't feel like it, period. Felt good - I even experienced that if I should lose her (my family & loyalty, one of my subjects) over this or similar things, I was ok by that. The price to pay is just too high, I am not willing to anymore.

The next morning, waking up, another point popped up - although I showed and told her more than once how to massage herself to ease the pain in her neck and back, she has never done that, not even tried - so if she is not willing to assist and support herself, why should I?!

I realized that's what bothered me the most - she herself not willing to do anything, not willing to move herself and just using me to relief the pain, but nothing really changing. So, if people are not willing to support themselves, I certainly wont either!
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