03 February 2008


It's really freeing this writing, I will continue. Many things I never dared to say, out of fear for punishment or a false feeling of loyalty towards my parents, my family. This loyalty is a very firm imprented law in me and my sisters. Hmm, did I infect my son? I didn't tell him he should be loyal etc but on a certain level he must have been fed with my loyalty issue. To be frank, I still am not sure if loyalty is such a bad thing...

  • loyalty:
  • the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action;
    (synonym) commitment, allegiance, dedication

Those that I refer to as my family are my older and younger sister, my niece 15, nephew 12 and my son 9.

So I am bound to my family. I am ok with that as long as it is not in my way to be who I am. And it is bound to be in my way, I'm sure. Only last year I broke the agreement by stating my first loyalty was with my son, not my sisters. Sounds stupid but it was in a sense shocking when I said this out loud to one of my sisters. When my younger sister got herself in big trouble, real dangerous with guns, I felt I should keep out of it because it was her mess, she made once again and I wouldn't endanger myself because I feel this obligation towards my son, to keep myself out of danger and stuff. So I told my older sister on the phone, I would no longer back up "no matter what" my younger sister. She was really shocked, had no words. But I got her thinking.
We'll see.

So, family is important to me. To know there are some beings that will stand with me no matter what, is comforting. A back up in life. Oh, we can hate each other, but always get back together. Bound by this agreement, the one good thing we got out of our childhood. Take it away and nothing left - our childhood is just misery.

One thing I like about having sisters is what we have in common - we shared the same parents, same events (though often different experienced), same houses, same schools, shared our mothers womb (not at the same time) We know each others little and big secrets, a kind of intimacy I do not share with others.

will continue later

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