Mistrust

I trust them to not harm me or abuse me, instead of trusting me to not allow them.

And so I always end up being hurt both ways, all the ways. I am having a hard time facing me, here, now. I am so ashamed I can't hardly bear to see myself. I am in great fear now.

I think this is the bottom line of me.

---

I've just canceled the visit to the sauna with K - I just do not want to go and be with others. I can't trust myself and I can't trust K to not abuse me or abuse him.

Now I experience a slight movement in me - of punishment, like I should punish myself for that (the canceling? The lying? I told him I've got a big headache and this is not true - this is the only excuse he understands and accept) I had for a moment this image of me in bed with no blankets and the window wide open - it is freezing cold outside. Now, why would I want to do that? Punish myself for not living up to the expectation of someone else, and most of all: mine. Self inflicted pain - meeting up to this expectation= self inflicted pain. Not doing so = self inflicted pain also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the need to punish myself for not meeting up to the expectations of another person (in canceling the visit to the sauna, this being a birthday gift to me from K) and not meeting up to my own expectation of me (repay this gift by the courtesy to go) I do not want to because of all that is attached to it during all these years of visiting the sauna with K - and me allowing alot harm/abuse to both of us. K touching me in a brutal way because he wants to give me a massage. That's it: he wants to give so I have to receive - no asking, no offering, he just takes what he wants because of his own need for 'giving'. That's the bottom line in the relationship with my friend K. And I do not want to hurt him (buurgh, how sweet of me, well, not) No, this is not true, cannot be the truth - I do not want to reject him out of fear of being rejected myself. So I let him treat me this way - so this image of him being the good, giving guy remains, so this image of me being the good, caring person remains (only considering K's needs and not mine)

Now I did stand up to alot of this in the last 15 years - lol the 'little things' that are still there (like the massages in the sauna) I didn't want to expose them - being too hard on K LOL, so I endure these small tokens of 'affection' (keeping the lie alive - this got nothing to do with 'affection' towards me, just a brutal showing to every guy in the sauna that I am with him, also a part of the massage ritual - and I hate this. This typical male behaviour, like a roaster. Bwaaaaaaaaaaah, never liked this because it entails ownership, ownership of me, another being.

Last night in bed, after writing the previous blog, lots of things started moving in me. Most of all this shame, deep deep shame, the abuse and rape of me I allowed - it felt like I allowed the rape and abuse of my child. In fact that is what I allowed - I allowed myself to rape and abuse the innocent child I am, I raped and abused this innocent child myself, beyond imagination. I am so ashamed of this...

So I will spend this afternoon probably facing myself, facing my shame - or running and hiding from it: all the same to me, because I know this is inevitable - I will face me. In fact I am already doing so.

less than

Something a friend said to me today triggered this feeling of being perceived as less than other beings when valued in money. And that hurts, alot.

And instead of rejecting and suppressing that feeling I now let it be here. It hurts in my stomach - like I want to bend forward with some spasm. Happens alot - maybe that's suppression itself, I don't know.

I've fooled myself many times in thinking it was just me noticing something like that - so I must be a 'bad' person thinking other people that claim to care for me a great deal, should perceive me as less when valued in money. Bad thoughts, bad girl. But in fact, this is what happens. It is real, true. I am valued less than when put in money by others (some).

Today it was K, a long time friend. I had my birthday this month and like every year K invited me for a visit to the sauna, his treat. Another one of his friends had his birthday too and was invited also and so we decided to go together, the three of us (and D, he loves the sauna too). K told me however that the other friend would get a meal and I wouldn't. I'm ok with that, I do not want a meal, or maybe I'll buy it myself - that's not the point (though he promised me one when he invited me) K is a very materialistic kind of person - money is very important to him - and I know he is now valueing this other friend as 'more than' me.

So, why would I care? I feel somewhat humiliation, yes, that someone would value me as less than. Does this mean I value me as less than? Probably - I do not experience that atm, but it may very well be that I got so used to this feeling that I do not notice it as that anymore.

It echoes - from the past, my father... He must have been thinking of me as less than, why else would he have treated me the way he did? Well, that doesn't matter actually. What matters is this belief I have that I am less than when it comes down to money (or whatever)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of me as 'less than' when .... no, this is not what's bothering me. Probably this is what it is, but not what I recognize at this moment. There is this strange contradiction in me. God had a smile on his face when I was born - yes, that is what I truely believe, or believed - because God is no more lol a lie. And I can't say I believe Anu smiled when I was born. The child I am thinks God smiled when she was born and thinks everyone should feel this way about themselves. Yet another part of/in me perceives herself to be less than?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist admitting I feel less than. Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik van mezelf accepteer en mezelf toesta om me te verzetten tegen het toegeven dat ik mezelf 'minder dan' voel. Het is oké om me te verzetten. Het is oké om me 'minder dan' te voelen/mezelf als minder dan te ervaren en dat niet te willen toegeven aan mezelf omdat ik daar me hele leven al tegen vecht, mijn energie steek in het ontkennen van het bestaan van dit geloof.

The Hardening System

Self Infatuation = Stubbornness = Hardening of Physicality
26 December 2008

The following System was discovered: The ‘Hardening System’

The ‘Hardening System’ exists within the lungs of the human physical body and its ‘structure and design’ is one with and equal to the structured design of the lungs of the human physical body.
In other words, the ‘Hardening System’ exists within and as the exact alignment of the lungs itself and is white in colouring.
The ‘Hardening System’ is of the mind consciousness system and exists within the lungs of the human physical body from birth, remaining dormant until the moment it is ‘activated’.

The ‘activation’ of the ‘Hardening System’ initiates its own activation before the certain specific age is reached when the construct of self infatuation, create a ‘living being as stubbornness’ – wherein a being becomes so rigid and unmerciful as stubbornness consume them within their self-defined persona of ‘who I am’ wherein there exist no more ‘free energy’ within the human physical body for the mind consciousness system to survive upon – then also the ‘Hardening System’ will ‘activate’.
Self Infatuation = Stubbornness = The Hardening of Physicality
Self Infatuation from the perspective of being entirely and completely secluded into a reality that knows only the boundaries of your own mind and that which you come into direct contact with, within ‘your world’ that only encompass that which you participate within, from a ‘day to day basis’.

Infatuated with only yourself within the limited constrictions of your own mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions and your minute world that is referred to as ‘your life’ – wherein in essence – no-one and nothing else exist within this world or is considered or regarded, such as other human beings, animals and nature of this world within which you exist – completely, entirely consumed with only ‘me, myself and I’ = this is Self Infatuation, which is also referred to as Self-Interest, Selfishness etc.

Within accepting and allowing self to continue within such an Self Infatuated existence – one becomes the ‘living definition’ of self-infatuation, as you ‘live out day after day’ only that ‘which you’ve always lived’ throughout your life – remaining within the bound constrictions of your mind, existing within only ‘your world’ wherein only self, I and me exist within your perceived reality of ‘who I am’ and nothing and no-one else within this world that you exist within and with is regarded or considered in any way whatsoever – living the belief that is the lie readily accepted that shun the condition and state of the rest of the world that is you which is: ‘It’s always been this way’...

As you become the living definition of Self-Infatuation, never changing – completely, entirely controlled by/through your self-defined reality that exist as your mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions projected unto ‘your world’ as the confinements manifested as that which you participate in and those that you participate with – ‘self’ as the living definition of stubbornness emerge.
Stubbornness from the perspective that ‘you have now decided ‘who I am’ as the persona of self-infatuation that you have lived, created and defined through only existing/living within the limited confinement of only ‘your mind’ and ‘your world’ – creating the egoistic creed as the ‘lived regulations of the now-manifested living definition of you as stubbornness: “Nothing and No-one will or can ever change me, I live my life as I please as I’ve always lived it, as its always been and that’s it – fuck everything and everyone else”.

Such a becoming and expression as the manifested nature of self, ‘stepping into’ a ‘manifested embodiment’ of ‘stubbornness’, created from accepting and allowing self to only exist as the living definition of self infatuation = is a ‘limit’ reached for/of the mind consciousness system within it’s ‘evolutionary’ process of manifesting you as how you’d define ‘who I am’ as the mind itself.
So, from accepting and allowing you to be/become the ‘living definition’ of ‘stubbornness’ as existing within your own self-designed regulations and constrictions of how you’d define ‘who I am’ – wherein you decided that this ‘who I am’ that you believe/perceive yourself to be of the mind is ‘all that you will ever be’ and live such an acceptance and allowance of ‘this is all that I will ever be and so it is’ = this is when the ‘Hardening System’ activate, because this is an ‘lived indication’ as yourself – that your mind as you as what you’ve accepted and allowed yourself to exist as: Has reached its ‘optimum’ ‘point’ of ‘evolution’ and can no more ‘function in its evolutionary process through you’ and thus the mind in itself becomes ‘without purpose’.

The moment the mind consciousness system reaches its ‘optimum point’ of ‘evolution’ within/through a human being, wherein a human being through/as the mind live their one definition of ‘who I am’ within the mind of self infatuation, becoming stubborn within their definition/experience of ‘who I am’ in/as the mind – the mind consciousness system ‘shut down’ to a ‘low frequency of activeness’ such as a heart-beat that beats ever so slow moments before a being dies – and the ‘Hardening System’ activates.

The ‘Hardening System’ ‘feed off of’ this ‘energetic charge’ manifested as the human being existing in and as the human physical body through the mind as ‘stubbornness’ – and slowly but surely, from the lungs, spread within and throughout the entire human physical body. Permeating within and throughout flesh and bone and integrates and amalgamates with and as all of the human physical body as what it exist as.
Within and during this process within the integration and amalgamation of the ‘Hardening System’ – its particular ‘programmed function’ is to literally ‘harden’ the physical human body – which manifest the following ‘symptoms’ in/as the human physical body:
Brittle Bones
Muscular atrophy
Skin degeneration
Uncontrollable muscular spasms
Immovable Muscles, where the muscle-tissue hardens to such an extent that it becomes unusable

These the most prominent manifested consequences experienced due to the activation, integration and amalgamation of the ‘Hardening System’ due to accepted and allowed infatuation of self-infatuation wherein self becomes the living definition of ‘stubbornness’ within/as/through the mind consciousness system.

Basically, how we accept/allow ourselves to deliberately kill ourselves ‘through time’ within a period of long suffering towards inevitable death through accepting/allowing ourselves to only exist within the seclusion of the mind, within a reality wherein only ‘self, I and me’ exist – that cause us to literally diminish ourselves to the extent wherein ‘who we really are’ becomes non-existent and the mind takes over so completely – that this accepted non-existent diminishment of ourselves manifest as the long, insufferable road to inevitable death: Another ‘reason’ why death exist in itself = we’re creating it through living ‘death’ as we accept/allow ourselves to be infatuated with the mind only – ‘forgetting’ not taking into consideration or regarding the rest of existence, this world that is ourselves.

Therefore suggested, to stop accepting/allowing self to exist within self-infatuation – from the perspective of only being infatuated with your own mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein the mind consume you to the point of you becoming the living definition of ‘stubbornness’ – not hearing, not living, not expressing, not taking anything or anyone else into consideration but your own mind and your own world wherein only self, I and me of mind exist – possessed by/through your own infatuation as the mind, existing as stubbornness and eventually dying – leaving behind a meaningless existence, wherein you never actually really existed, but only your mind as a system.

Identify ‘infatuations’ – meaning, what self-definitions through the mind ‘possess you’, that you’ve defined as ‘who you are’ such as ‘habits’ for example that you’re not changing but continually existing as because you believe/perceive it to be ‘who you are and how you are’ and is apparently ‘unchangeable’. When it’s not ‘unchangeable’ – you simply don’t want to change yourself within such habits, because you fear losing that definition of you of the mind.
Such as for example, being infatuated with ‘laziness’ – wherein you only live/exist as ‘laziness’ which will eventually become the living definition of you as ‘stubbornness’, wherein no matter what support/assistance is provided for you – you’ll simply refuse to change through picking yourself up and start living self-discipline here.
In such a case, you’ve so much become the living manifestation of laziness as stubbornness manifest – that you’ll remove yourself from this world, because you’re already ‘dead’, not existing, meaning not living – that you manifest this ‘non-existence’ physically through dying.

Self-expansion is the key – to assist and support self to stop accepting/allowing self to diminish and literally become non-existent through accepting and allowing self to define self through/as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions through self forgiveness, self corrective action, breathing and writing lived in self honesty here.
To ‘expand self HERE’ through standing one and equal with self as all that exist – living self responsibility in taking into consideration and regarding all that exist as you – and realise: That this world is the way it is because of what we’re accepting and allowing ourselves to live through/as the mind – and stop living the excuse: It’s always been this way...
Sunette

The Atlanteans: Part One

25 December 2008

The Appearance and Physicality of the Atlanteans:

The Atlanteans’ ‘skin’ consisted of ‘scales’ that were primarily light-blue to light-grey and white in shading.
When standing in the sun – their ‘skin’ would project a resonating gleam of all the colours of the rainbow – as though the colours itself were alive and dancing upon the surface of the Atlanteans’ body.
Interestingly enough – their skin wasn’t ‘wet, slimy and coarse’ as one would expect the texture of a ‘skin of scales’ to be.
Rather – their ‘skin of scales’ was as soft as silk and as smooth and moist as butter to the touch.

Their physical body did not have any ‘bone structure’ whatsoever. Their physical form existed of meat and sinew only, and was as stable and strong as concrete itself, yet at the same time as flexible, formidable and graceful in movement as water itself.

The experience of looking into their eyes was as looking into a ‘mini-dome’ filled with crystals as their eyes shone the colour of resonating light; crystal blue and white. Giving a ‘descriptive perspective,' it was as though their eyes were the manifestation of the stars of the universe.
When one looked into their eyes – for a moment, everything else disappeared and all that existed in that moment was you looking into the embodiment of the universe of the stars as the eyes of the Atlanteans – seeing into the vastness of infinity embodied as manifested eyes. This was the experience when looking into the eyes of the Atlanteans – completely overwhelming one, removing all sense of ‘reality’ as one is mesmerized by infinity as their eyes.

Hence why some experienced it quite intimidating standing before the Atlanteans and looking them straight in the eyes. For the experience was as them being able to see every part of you, where nothing of you was hidden, where no secret could be from them; as they see you as all that you are as you stand before them. As you see them in their infinite expression manifested as their eyes.

Their ears weren’t positioned next to their head-region - just below the ‘temples’ as with human beings. Instead, their ears were manifested upon a section that was positioned upon their forehead/face-region and manifested just above, yet right next to their eyes.
This ‘section’ formed from the centre of their forehead-region to just above their eyes – this entire section ‘protruding’ from within their forehead/face-region, elevated to sit on top of the forehead/face region from which the ears of the Atlanteans emerge.
Therefore, the Atlanteans ears ‘emerge’ from within this ‘section’ that is manifested on top of the forehead/face region situated just above the Atlanteans’ eyes.
The 'form’ of the ears itself was that of taking both your hands before you, straightening your fingers and bringing your wrists together – meaning, a ‘slightly cupped v-shaped form.’. And the ‘rims’ of the ears were formed as manifested ‘sound-waves’ as follows:
The rest of the physical-form of their ear's surface also forms according to the rim-formation of the ears as the manifested form of 'sound-waves.' The ears itself are quite large in comparison to the rest of their head-region – though has a specific ‘function’ that forms ‘partial support' the Atlanteans within their particular expression with water and sound that will be discussed as we continue within this document.

Their mouths and lips were quite petite yet similar in design as that of human beings’ lips and they had neither teeth nor tongue. Instead, within the centre of their mouths was a manifested ball of ‘sound movement expression’ that consisted of and existed as the ‘one manifested expression of all the sounds of existence’ together.

The rest of their mouth's inside was pitch-black with this ball of sound movement expression as the one manifested expression of all the sounds of existence together existing as all the colours imaginable and unimaginable – situated right in the centre of their mouths. And it is from within this sound-manifestation in the centre of their mouths that they’d direct themselves to speak as within voicing themselves, as well as creating/manifesting with water and sound.

Their hair was silvery white in colour and would swish and dance in ethereal-like graceful movement as though ‘coming alive’ in itself when the Atlanteans would walk. Therefore as the Atlanteans would walk, their hair would move in motion to the movement of their walking – their hair the motion that supports their physical movement in expression.
They never used their arms when walking as humans do – they would walk with both arms in front of their body with their thumbs and index fingers forming a diamond-shape form. With their thumbs pressed together and their index-finger tips pressed together that form the diamond-shape, with the rest of their fingers aligned straight with their hands positioned in front of their ‘hip-area.'

Their physique, movement and expression as their physical form were the epitome of perfection. They were not separate from their physical form as with human beings, with ‘a being in a physical form’ wherein the being is separate from the physical-form they inhabit. They were their physical form absolutely as though it was their physical form that was the ‘life,’ that was ‘alive’ in itself; this was very distinct and prominent within the particular expression of the Atlantean-race.

For example, imagine your human physical body existing, living and expressing itself in awareness without your presence as the mind, with your human physical form as manifested life itself – living, existing as expression; this is how I’d describe the expression that was the Atlanteans one and equal as their physical form. Their physical form was very tall, long, slender and fine-tuned – I would describe the physical form and expression of the Atlanteans in such a sentence: ‘God spending most of his time on the meticulous creation of the existence that is the Atlanteans to absolute perfection, specificity and preciseness.'
Their hands and fingers were as long, slender and fine-tuned as the rest of their physical form – though did not have ‘nails’ in particular. Their fingers emerged from their hands as one expression as their fingers form from within their hands to end as sharp-pointed tips which was used for a particular function that I will discuss as we continue.

Their entire physical form consisted of ‘scales’ except for their hair and the sections below their hands and feet that consisted of myriads of small ‘suction and release’ embodiments’ – almost unnoticeable, similar to what as seen with that of the Octopus, which assisted and supported with movement and walking on water with their feet and creation and manifestation with water and sound with their hands and fingers.
These ‘embodiments’ below their feet would literally ‘breathe in and breathe out’ as/while the Atlanteans would walk on water.
The split-second before the Atlantean would place their foot upon the surface of the water to walk upon it; the ‘suction and release embodiment manifestations’ ‘breathed in’ the water surrounding the surface of the foot and merge with the water. The merging of the ‘suction and release embodiment manifestations’ with the water surrounding the foot would then form a ‘platform’ on the surface of the water that is merged with the foot, with and of the water itself, upon which the Atlanteans would ‘step’ as they’d walk on the surface of the water. The moment the foot is lifted off of the surface of the water, the ‘suction and release embodiment manifestations’ below the foot ‘breathe out,' releasing the water that was ‘sucked in’ to form the manifested platform with water upon which the Atlantean stepped. And so the process of ‘walking on water’ would manifest as the ‘suction and release embodiment manifestations’ supported the Atlanteans’ walking on water.
When not ‘walking on water’ with their feet and not ‘playing with the creation and manifestation of water and sound’ – the ‘suction and release embodiment manifestations’ upon the bottom of their feet and hands would extract into their feet and hands to form ‘scales’ as the Atlanteans would be able to extract and protrude these ‘suction and release embodiment manifestations’ upon their hands and feet when required, at will.

Their neck, lower stomach-region, wrists and ankles consisted of ‘strings or threads’ of ‘meat and sinew’ that consisted of and as the exact same manifestation as that of the rest of their physical bodies.

For example, as though their head were ‘severed’ from their body and attached/connected to each other with such ‘strings/threads of meat and sinew’. Though the ‘strings/threads of meat and sinew’ come from within and of their head region and their chest region that ‘connect’ their head to/with the rest of their body and so also the case with their lower stomach-region, wrists and ankles.
So, instead of having manifested ankles, wrists, lower stomach-region and neck – it consisted of strings/threads of meat and sinew, the ‘strings/threads’ as I have explained, consisting one and equal as the exact same manifested expression as that of the rest of their physical bodies, and were as stable and strong yet flexible and formidable as the rest of their physical-bodies.

This particular design of the Atlanteans’ physical form of ‘strings/threads’ along with their sharp-pointed tipped fingers, the ‘suction-embodiments’ upon the bottom-section of their hands and the particular design of their ears was specific for and of the support of the Atlanteans’ particular expression of creating and manifesting with sound and water.
Within the centre of their forehead, upon the section from which their ears emerge, the ‘section’ manifested upon the forehead/face region; was a crystal. This crystal, was the ‘manifested symbol’ as the ‘manifested embodiment’ of the existence and expression of the Atlanteans as Water and Sound. As crystals were the ‘sound-symbol’ manifested expression of water and sound together – as that which the Atlantean existed as, as their primary ‘life force expression’ which was: Water and Sound.

The Atlanteans particularly expressed themselves within the creation and manifestation of crystal-formations as manifested ‘sound-symbols’ in various formed expressions. Such manifested expressions of/as crystal-formations that is manifested ‘sound-symbols’ created from water and sound was done with the support of their particular physical-form design of the ‘strings/threads’ along with their sharp-pointed tipped fingers, the ‘suction-embodiments’ upon the bottom-section of their hands and the particular design of their ears as well as this manifested crystal upon their forehead.

Within Part Two – we’ll continue with the The Appearance and Physicality of the Atlanteans section and how their physical form's ‘functionalities’ assisted and supported within their particular expression of creating and manifesting with sound and water the manifested sound-symbols and/as crystals.

MyKey

Funerals and corpses.

The only real use for funerals that I can come up with is something like saying goodbye in style to someone you knew, that died. But I would rather do that in a more private setting because there are strict rules for attending funerals - one of them is to not show too much emotions, you must be quiet and respectful mwaaaah And why must you be so quiet, whisper, when the person is already dead - makes no sense. And then you've got to shake hands with everybody, wish them strength, but never come too close, write some things about heaven in the guestbook and then you're off.
Last one I attended was because of the children of the woman that died - I wanted to let them know I cared or something like that. But apparently I didn't care that much, never visited these kids to see how they were doing.
I was glad I wasn't the stiff one. And I wondered how it would be to be the stiff one.
In the end, it always comes down to self interest."

That's what I wrote on the forum yesterday on the topic of funerals.
This morning waking up I remembered my first funeral - in particular: my first 'corpse'. It was my grandma's. I was 7 years of age and my granny had died. I was taken by my mother to this mourning centre where my grandma's corpse was in this coffin. My mother and my aunts, they were crying and very sad. It was very silent there, everyone whispering and so.
I saw this thing in this coffin, so cold and so not here and got very upset and cried. I didn't want to look at this 'thing', wanted to get out of that room. My aunt thought I got overwhelmed by sadness, but I just wanted to get out of there. They mistook my tears for grief and forced me to stay there and pray! Oh my god, yes, I felt I couldn't tell them I was disgusted by this corpse (I would get punished for that one way or another), so I had to pretend. I felt so trapped!
Me remembering this event means it has made quite an imprint - I do not remember that much from childhood.
I have been feeling trapped alot - still do. Trapped in pretending to be something I am not. Being moulded as a child to fit this systematic 'how you should feel/think/behave' I am actually getting increasingly sick because of it, I mean, sick to the point I feel I have to vomit.
When still a child I learned how to survive by 'not being here' because that was unbearable - i had to act/be/feel/think like i was supposed to, not what I was actually experiencing or expressing. I learned it was all about pleasing the adults so i wouldn't get punished (by abandonement), but still was very aware of what was going on inside me. Two different worlds. My world was secret - theirs just sucked, but of course as a child I had to adapt to theirs in order to survive, what a shit hole!

Turning children into stiffs

A couple of weeks ago D. came home from school, very, very pissed, furious actually. He told me what happened. This guy that works there yelled at him, telling him to 'COME HERE'. Well, D felt he didn't wanted to be adressed that way but unfortunetaly isn't able to express that in words effective. So he just refused to listen to this guy (and I know the stubborn and daringly look D has at these moments, so the guy got pissed :). Then one of the teachers came and tried to force D to apologize to this guy, again she wasn't listening either to D - just insisting in a brutal way he should say sorry to the guy. Well, D refused to say sorry because he wasn't sorry! They punished him by placing him in this corner and he wasn't allowed to go home yet. lol D made a run for the door and got out of there.
So this is what we do with our children, even these days. The adults are allowed to yell and be nasty - the child not. Still has to obey and be polite and respectful because they are adults and the child not. The child is forced to apoligize even if he isn't sorry - teaching the kid this way that it is all about 'form' and not about honesty, living expression and real respect. The adults do not have to apologize to the kids. The adult is always right - so not!

xmas turkey: My experience of being eaten

Hai, I am a, or was a Christmasdinner turkey. And I am here to speak for those turkeys who are still alive and well and enjoying the experience of themselves within this world currently.
I am here to share my experience of being eaten.

Before I continue: the turkeys and meat that human beings will be preparing for Christmas or Thanksgiving meal - understand that what you are eating there, that very meat, is the reincarnation of your loved ones and your family members. So realize that when you eat that meat, that very meat is the manifestation of your loved ones or family members or friends that have crossed over into the interdimensional existence. You are eating your loved ones, family members and friends.

I was a turkey in this world, you know we are born and we are in all of this beautiful existence and nature within which we experience ourselves quite freely. I enjoyed the manifestation of me as a turkey.
And here comes human beings who, because they have apparently minds, they are now superior and greater than us animals, than myself the turkey. And you know, it is very painful if you take us by tails, feathers, wings, I mean, imagine you being carried by this one arm, being swung around by another human being. Or by your hair, that's exactly the pain that we endure and experience. And then kill us by any means possible, pluck our feathers while we are still alive, handle us and treat us like we are nothing, we are just food. Realise human beings, that the turkeys or any dinner meal consisting of meat that you are preparing for Christmas or Thanksgiving is that of your family members, loved ones and friends incarnated within this world - which you deliberately removed from this world in the most atrocious, unacceptable ways imaginable. We endure so much pain for you to be able to nurture and sustain you because of your greed in what you want to consume, but no human being actually understands what pain and what suffering these animals endure, just for you to eat.

And you do not require meat in this world. Human beings, it is not necessary to sustain your human physical body with meat.
The reason and the only reason why meat is sold as the necessity for the human physical body in this world is for one reason only: money. And that's it. Only money.
Realise that that meat that you are eating, you are eating because of greed in what you consume, because of what you want, desire and need apparently. Instead of actually understanding and realising what you're eating, how it got to your plate and what that animal endured for you to be able to eat that.

So human beings, I would take into consideration again before you eat meat. And realise that that what you do unto others as you, you will experience accordingly. So all human beings that currently abuse and slaughter animals and eat animals without any consideration of the actual experience that we endure - it is meat that's on your plate, that's it, for money only and money only, that's it.
No regard for what the animals actually experienced or went through because you do not even know, you are not even aware. Some human beings choose to remain ignorant of it - you will actually in the life experience yourself as an animal being slaughtered and killed for meat. And realise that the pain does not stop. From when you're physically killed the pain continues as you eat the meat and mash the meat with your teeth. It is extensively painful according to what I experienced as well. Because you remain aware, you remain always aware. Even to the point where we get into you stomach, where you poop it out, flush down the toilet into the drains - all the way through we experience ourselves.

Everything in existence is aware. What I am saying as a turkey that has been a Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner: it is not necessary to slaughter the Animal Kingdom for meat. The human physical body does not require meat. The Earths nature provides many means of protein which is sufficient for the human physical body. Meat only exists and is only been sold to make money, for money and money only and that's it.

You may think that you eat meat, or justify that you eat meat, for protein in your human physical body, when you actually have been programmed to believe that. And not even taking into consideration what us as the Animal Kingdom are going through when you eat meat, so blissfully ignorant of what we are experiencing.
Because the Animal Kingdom is not of any mindsystem design, we experience pain 10 times more intense than humans do. We are 10 times more sensitive than you are. So whatever you experience as pain multiplied by 10 and you have an idea of what it is we experience when you slaughter and kill us. Because you have been programmed to believe that your human physical body needs meat.

Thank you very much, this is the Christmas turkey that has gone through the mould so to speak. And there are human beings that have crossed over into this world and incarnated as animals that have been slaughtered and killed for food for human beings, and they actually have an understanding, a real understanding of what it is we are going through. We are not able to stop it any other way. We have to stop what we have accepted and allowed within this world as ourselves.

Thank you.

Equality and Oneness

Written by Bernard Poolman and Winged

Date : 10/09/2007

Let us consider this amazing idea—also an ideal.

See—it is the only map in existence that also exists beyond existence. This is also the only map that assist all life equally and where all life is in oneness with always.

It is also the only way that any one can assist themselves with and is also the only place where power exist equal and one for all as one place your power in that which you accept as your reality—because—it is your reality and you are that which you accept.

The problem is honesty. Honesty based on an imagined experience will always bring that which was not expected—again based on the starting point from which you are creating. Thus the starting point of what you have placed yourself equal and one with.

All beings have examples of this. You accept something in your life and depart from the point that you have to make peace with as this is the way your life is — in that acceptance you become equal and one to what you have accepted — thus, your experience now flows from this starting point, and you as your own reality creator now create the experience.

Inherent though to equality and oneness is the amazing principle of equality and oneness. This means that in equality and oneness exist the “will” of equality and oneness that will bring forth all expressions of equality and oneness to the ultimate experience for all participants in equality and oneness.

This has been going on for a long time — cycles that express itself as creation, created and creators according to equal to and one with.

This “will” of equality and oneness is the absolute meaning of the principle in its absolute manifestation. Thus, this is the “divine” will of equality and oneness within the principle of “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was God”

Fascinating, thus is that all is “free” to the degree they place themselves equal to and one with what they accept as their reality and within that manifest the reality, pay for the consequences, go to breakdown, then breakthrough, then set a new accepted premise and parameter for self - an equal and one and do this again cycle.

On a gridline of experience this looks fascinating. Draw a grid and see for yourself. A grid of 20 squares. Each square representing a being and their life and each living in their square - like in a home - is equal and one to their square and try their best to make their square fit them and work for them and then from their square communicate with other beings in squares to get approval for their square or to state: “look this is my creation, this is what I am equal and one to”.

See, people do this all the time with the words they speak and the thoughts they have. All of the words a person speaks and the thoughts they have is what they are equal and one with as themselves.

Obviously, in a grid of squares where many beings participate. There is another grid - the one where all agree to place themselves in an agreement of accepted equality and oneness - like a world policy statement.

That is where war, money, debt, crime, child abuse, religion, education etc. are born from—the combined creative power of all as an accepted equality and oneness.

Here an interesting event takes place; if a person does not realize that they are actually creating and participating in the creation of the world, they are no longer equal and one to the combined creation process but become a lesser experience. This abdication of creative ability then is in the hands of another that will do with it according to his or her equality and oneness and here politics—voting—voicing self come in—the demons are crazy—demockery—democrazy—democracy - something like this - the point where beings have abdicated their equality and oneness in a greater management of the combined grid of expression called the world experience.

Strange. They will fight with it individually but not come together and reclaim their power in a peaceful way in everyday expression, to simply work together and in every moment direct and participate in creating a combined reality where all are equal and one.

So, imagine; if a few beings realize how things really work and then collect all the power of the masses through agreement called voting, then they may do as they like.

Fascinating - this is allowed.

So, realize; you are no more than what you accept yourself to be and will thus experience that in endless cycles.

Also realize; the ultimate equality and oneness will intervene in every moment as in every moment exist in each beings life, all expressions of equality and oneness—all dimensions of it and your “choice” manifest one of these as a placement of yourself in equality and oneness.

So, equality and oneness have always existed as the core of the presence of every moment and the presence of each being is what they accept and prove to themselves to be equal and one as.

Therefore – there exist ‘divine' will and ‘your' will.

‘Divine' will – life as oneness and equality in every moment as all as one as equal.

‘Your will' – that which you accept yourself one with and equal to, which is not of life but of separation, and thus in this acceptance, manifest, create and birth your reality as you accordingly together with the responsibility of consequences that flow from this starting point of ‘your' will in every moment.

Life exists – it's always been here as who we are but have been taken for granted.

How? In moment's of ‘choice' – yes – here in every moment within and as every being's experience of themselves choice exist: The choice between expressing, living and applying who you are of ‘divine' will in every moment for all as one as equal as life or to express, live and apply ‘your' will in every moment that is of separation, that is taking only into consideration you and not all as one as equal as who you are as life.

An example to understand would be the following:

Let's take again the 20 square gridline structure, with this 20 square gridline structure being the world and each human being existing within and as their own little square which is defined as ‘their own world': ‘Owning' this little square as ‘their life'; with their world and their life reflecting themselves within.

From the perspective of ‘your' will – your application and expression in every moment will only exist of your world within one square – only taking into consideration you as that which you have defined yourself to be according to the definition of what you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to – all of this reflected within your ‘own world' as the ‘one square' – and experiencing yourself as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to – manifesting within your world in endless such cycles.

Continuously existing only within this one square, continuously experiencing endless cycles of manifesting and creating ‘your world' as this ‘one square' as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to.

Let's take a family situation for instance – you existing within this ‘one square' as ‘your home' of this world together with your partner and child. What exist within ‘your world' within this ‘one square' as ‘your home' is you, your partner and your child. Therefore – your application in every moment as you will only be taking into consideration you, your partner and your child and all else as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to.

So how do such endless cycles continuously manifest by ‘your' will which you experience within ‘your world' as the manifested reflection of you as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to?

You within this ‘one square' as ‘your home' expressing and applying only ‘your will' have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to ‘your family' only that exist within ‘your world' as this ‘one square' as ‘your home' – defined according to your partner and child only. Thus – you will for the remainder of your life – only experience that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to – which is your partner, your child, your home – ‘your family' – and this is all that ‘your world' within and as this ‘one square' as ‘your life' will consist of – by ‘your' will. Taking into consideration only ‘your world' as ‘your life' as ‘your family' within and as this ‘one square' - and thus all that you will experience, by ‘your' will as this is all that you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to.

How does ‘divine' will as who we are as life within an as oneness and equality of all support you here?

When you of ‘divine' will, understand and see what you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to that is not of ‘divine' will as who you are as oneness and equality with all – you as ‘divine' will, will ‘step in' accordingly. ‘Break down' and ‘remove' all that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to by ‘your' will of separation and consideration of only ‘your world' as ‘your life' as this ‘one square' – and ‘break down' the limitations within seclusion of this ‘one square' as ‘your life' as ‘your world' manifested accordingly by ‘your will' as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to.

When all that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to – within and as this ‘one square' as ‘your world' as ‘your life' ‘breaks down' and is ‘removed' – you will experience a ‘break down' by ‘divine' will – because you have defined you according to that which you have manifested as ‘your world' as ‘your life' as this ‘one square' as the experience of yourself by ‘your will' – and not of ‘divine' will as who you are.

Then comes ‘break through' – breaking through the boundaries and limitation of this ‘one square' as ‘your perceived world' as ‘your perceived life' – designed and manifested according to ‘your' will only, that is of separation and limitation, as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to.

Realising: O' my God – there is ‘more' – seeing and realising ‘divine' will as who you are as life of oneness and equality – realising that I am this entire 20 square gridline structure, with all human beings experiencing themselves within and as their own singular square as ‘their life' as ‘their world' – designed and manifested according to ‘their will' as that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to – of separation and limitation – because they only exist within ‘their world' as a singular square by ‘their will' and constantly and continuously only experiencing that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to - which only exist as ‘their life' as ‘their world' within and as this one singular square.

Here is ‘divine' will: Then as ‘divine' will you stand, live and express who you are as life as oneness as equality as all as this 20 square gridline structure as all beings still lost, limited and bound to their one singular square as ‘their life' as ‘their world' experiencing ‘their' will as that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to, manifesting and creating just this, which is ‘their' will – constantly and continuously lost in endless cycles - manifesting and creating the experience of their self definition as who they are according to that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to by ‘their will' of separation and limitation.

Then your application and expression in every moment is of ‘divine' will – ‘divine' will as who you are of life within and as oneness and equality – and so you stand and so you remain and so you live – directing you as all beings still lost, limited and bound by ‘their will' which manifests as the experience of themselves as ‘their world' as ‘their life' as only ‘one square' within which they experience ‘their' will according to that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to in every moment's application – constantly and continuously experiencing only that, only this, which is ‘their' will as that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to – manifesting as this ‘one square' as ‘their life' as ‘their' world.

And all beings lost, bound and limited within their ‘one square' as ‘their life' as ‘their world' – which is the manifested creation by ‘their' will within which they experience only that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to constantly and continuously – holds the world as the entire 20 square gridline structure in place – within which they experience themselves within their one square as ‘their life' as ‘their world' – by ‘their' will – within seclusion, limitation and separation of the rest of the world as the entire 20 square gridline structure and all other human beings within their singular squares as ‘their life' as ‘their world' – existing within and as ‘their' will – only experiencing and manifesting constantly and continuously that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to that is only of ‘their life' of ‘their world' within and as this ‘one square'.

Therefore – it is for all human beings that exist in every moment by ‘their' will – constantly and continuously manifesting ‘their world' as ‘their life' of the seclusion and limitation as ‘one square' – experiencing and becoming and creating only that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to by ‘their' will only – to break down the boundaries and limitations and separations of all that they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to as ‘their perceived world' as ‘their perceived life' by ‘their will' which they manifested and created within and as separation and limitation – and in this moment application by ‘their will' still allowing and accepting the manifestation and experiences of all human beings in this world. Not standing up as ‘divine' will of life of oneness and equality with all – directing all as one as equal to realise themselves as who they are of ‘divine' will. To no longer exist within the limitations and seclusions and boundaries of ‘their' will only – manifesting and creating and thus experiencing only that which they have accepted and allowed themselves to be one with and equal to within separation and seclusion and limitation as ‘their perceived life' as ‘their perceived world'.

Therefore – ‘divine' will is the application of every moment of I am – of oneness and equality with all – and ‘your' will is the application of every moment of ‘your life' of ‘your world' only – within and as separation, limitation and seclusion – only taking into consideration you – instead all as one as equal as who you are of ‘divine' will.

Therefore – ‘choice' exist in every moment's application of you – either of ‘divine' will as you or ‘your' will as you – where in both situations you will experience the manifested creation of that which you will, in every moment according to that which you accept and allow yourself to be one with and equal to.

Here exists the responsibility for each and every single human being – only here in every moment of ‘choice' – by ‘divine' will of who you are as life of oneness and equality for all as one as equal or by ‘your' will of who you are as separation, limitation and seclusion – only taking you into consideration as ‘your life' as ‘your world'.

Does choice really exist then here in every moment's application – if who you are is ‘divine' will of life – though life had been taken for granted through the belief of the existence of ‘your' will through the illusion of ‘choice' – the ‘choice' being in every moment whether you apply ‘your' will or ‘divine' will – yet if you apply ‘your' will and manifest ‘your world', manifest ‘your life' according to ‘your' will – which you experience according to that which you have defined yourself by as that which you have accepted and allowed yourself to be one with and equal to – ‘divine' will as who you are of life as oneness and equality with all – will ‘step in' and direct you accordingly and effectively to realise, while you're still defined accordingly to the belief of the existence of ‘your' will as who you are – who you are as ‘divine' will as life of oneness and equality with all.

For Man to realise themselves as ‘God' – ‘God' had to become Man, ‘God' had to become one with Man as Man – but only at one ‘point': This one singular ‘point' as the moment and the words (In the beginning (the moment) was the word (the living word as who we are) and the word was God (the moment's application of ‘divine' will as who we are as life as equality as oneness with all) and the word was with God (the manifestation/creation of ourselves as that which we have accepted ourselves to be one with and equal to as the experience of ourselves) – the moment's application of oneness and equality of each and every single human beings' experience as life as who they are – the moment of application as ‘divine' will of life of oneness and equality as who we are as ‘God' as all as one as equal.

Here exist oneness and equality within and as humanity – each human beings' application in every moment of ‘divine' will – in every moment's application of oneness and equality with all as one as equal as life: ‘Divine' will. Here exists who we are as life of life as oneness and equality with all as ‘divine' will – so then – does ‘God' really exist?

No – who we are is ‘God' already within and as every moment's application of ‘divine' will of life of oneness and equality as who we are as one with all – we've taken ourselves for granted – through separation by existing within ‘our' will ‘supported' by the illusion of ‘choice'.

Back on track

How do I know when it's real - and not yet another illusion in an ilusion in an illusion in an illusion...

I simply can not know.

I am getting some 'easy, ready to go' answers on the forum, but he is 'missing my point' - lol because maybe there is no point at all.

Self trust. I doubt, I am careful - I do not want to live yet another illusion. But being 'careful' brings me nowhere either. Though it is simple - just be here, be breath.

I've been there, for some time I was not mind, no reaction, but simple, stable here and now - and then 'horrible' things happened - I let them happen, so how can I ever again trust me? That what's playing out at the moment for me. The most painful, desperate period in my life, for 2 years. Never experienced that much pain (on all levels) before. Well, maybe in my childhood, I can't remember clearly yet, but I am beginning to see the common factor with my childhood. The starting point. Yes, my father and my endless, self sacrifying love for him.

B. wrote some stuff on the stages of this process, I remember, I even translated it - have to look it up. Well, I did fall this first time, flat on my face - and haven't directed myself yet back on my feet, I guess.

How can I trust myself, dare I trust myself? If I do not trust myself then there is nothing left to trust. That hurts a great deal. Yes, that's what I will work on first. Still my question is here - how do I know something isn't just another mindfuck? Things can be very clear, stable and still a mindfuck - I know what me as mind is capable of.

Maybe I am being too 'absolute' - I am totally selfhonest or totally selfdishonest. Is it possible to be totally selfhonest but still have dishonesties hidden? Layers. Ok, but am I totally selfhonest then, when there are still hidden layers of deceit in me???? Oh my, am I doubtfull, or not LOL All part of the mindfuck called 'doubt'.

In this period of 'not of the mind' I did not label I wasn't thinking Oh this is bad, good, nice, ugly etc Everything just was what it was. Having a headache? Headache is headache - neither good or bad, it just is here.  Etc. I remember being very playful at that time - had alot of fun. lol, the 'serious' people got very annoyed with me, I remember - and I was ok with that: they played the serious game, well, I wasn't so I let them be and was who/what I was. I wasn't annoyed by them and if they were bothered by me, well, go and find yourself some other people that like your game. I was quite 'happy' with me and quite 'happy' when with people - it made no difference to who I was.

Words are very unsufficient to describe this. It seems they all contain some label, some judgment (yes, we put it in there, words are just words - communication with words, well, it is so 'crippled'. At that time I felt I actually didn't want to speak anymore - because of the words I spoke not being accurate. Words aren't accurate at all (beings as words aren't accurate at all - so many pictures attached to every word and not even the same pictures LOL Talking about a chair I have this picture of a wooden chair with pink cushions and my friend sees another chair - so we can easily misunderstand each other. Just a very simple example - but this is how it works in all communication.) When I spoke it just happened - I didn't plan it, didn't think about it, had no thoughts on forehand. And neither while speaking (besides the practical ones).

In the mornings, waking up I used to stay in bed a little longer, being one with my body, being my body - any 'discomfort' like a sleight stifness in the neck (ha!I wrote 'in MY neck' but I actually referred to it as 'THE neck') I breathed with. I WAS breath - did the same breathing as the Desteni tools, breath in, hold, I am here, breath out, hold, this is the only moment that actually exist - and after a while it was ME, not exercise anymore. Sometimes I experienced some music before getting up (meaning I wasn't listening but experiencing the music and me as body as one - very cool.) Then there was a point I just got up - no decision to get up, but just getting up. My body movement was getting up and leave the bed. Just like breathing - so natural, no controle over it at all. When it was slow, it was slow, when it was deep, it was deep, when it was quick and 'superficial', it was just that - there was no control, it just happened - my body knew very well how to breath. And when things came up with the breath - well, I supported by seeing it, embracing it and when appropiate, deleting it. All in one instance.

About language - I was very open to poetry. Not the average poetry people are producing as poetry ( exceptions there are), but merely the poetry of life and sometimes there were words, a combination of words, that were exactly, yes, these words were one with that particular expression of life. Proza I didn't find that accurate.

Oh yes, I feel 'homesick' - I was 'at home with me' at that time, intimate with me, at ease with me. Stable in me - no need or urge to make these movements 'outwards' (meaning the mind - reacting. Other people, well, it just wasn't important to me what they said, wanted, needed etc - I wasn't 'indifferent' to them, but their 'games' were obvious to me and most of the time there was no movement in me to go along with these games. So I didn't. I just didn't. Didn't have to think or decide - I just didn't LOL there was no movement, so there was this 'response' in me of not responding (I'm not sure if in English the difference between reaction and response is as clear as it is for me: reaction=movement from mind - response=movement from self: expression. LOL not even in Dutch this is clear - most people do not notice the difference, well, maybe these are just the words I use to pinpoint, not common)

I used to call this 'games' (actually still do)but not in the usual sense of the word (as perceived by many) I meant in Desteni language: personalities and their actions in words and deeds (feelings etc included). And also because I didn't take that serious anymore - all role playing. And when someone was crying because of emotional pain inflicted on them yes, I could feel sorry for them, but only because I saw how this person was entangled with it and not able to see. What I didn't do was: doing everything necessary to make them see. No, I just didn't do that. I was not being equal and one. I was caught up in the 'karma thing'. I did think about it though - how to make this world a better place for all, but could not see how to do this but by getting more and more aware myself and live this. I guessed this was all I could contribute. Because all had to work their way through their karma. Even Osho said that the Africans had to work their way through their karma and that we had not to worry about other people. It took me quite awhile to get at ease with that, but in the end I managed and only focussed on me and my mindfucks. Believing all I could do was make the change in my life and in being the living example for others in my world.  But I refused (I see now) to be active - doing everything necessary to make other beings aware. No I did not do that - I tried but they didn't understand. At that point I simply stopped. Besides that: I still projected. I failed to see that what was so obvious to me - wasn't obvious to others. Aaah, how to put this in right words?! At that time I was involved with people walking the same proces as me, so I assumed they knew what I was saying - and they knew, but only with their minds, not living it. I assumed they were living it. I just believed their words. Why should I distrust their words? Why should anyone speak words they do not live?

On the Desteni forum this is also happening. Of course. I see people using the words, but are they actually living these words? I do not know. Some use these words in a lively manner, enthousiastic,  well-spoken - but do they actually live them, I do not know. So I am not that impressed by words anymore. I wont let me be directed by their words. I will only direct myself (as far as I can tell ofcourse, still layers upon layers here as me) I will only trust myself.

Even what Desteni says - well, of course I have to test this all for myself. Like I told my students in the past (I gave these astrology courses): for the moment you just have to believe what I am saying so I can teach you how to use these tools. Then when you have mastered these tools, go back and check everything I've told you - see if it is still true for you. If not - please share with me, so I can 'broaden' my views.

So, this is how I perceive Desteni's part in my process - for the moment I take this for true, but not 'following blindly' - I will have to test for myself. So far most of it (besides what I've immediately acknowledged as 'truth' because of me testing, experiencing and living this before) is common sense to me, so 'trustworthy' to investigate and experience. I will trust myself, not Desteni. Would be fuicking stupid to do. And not common sense lol

Remains my question: what if this all is yet another illusion? Could very well be (pffffffffff, enlightment was revealed as a kind of mindfuck, deceit, half truth, so why not even Desteni Dimensions LOL) and maybe existence has many many layers of deceit and illusion too. For the moment I'll stick with this, walk this process and see what's next (LOL this will take some time), after this proces is done, will there be another process?  We will see.

Ok, I'm 'back on track' lolol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'not being of the mind' and 'horrible things happened' - as if 'horrible things' is the outflowing consequence of 'not being of the mind'. I realize that because of me being of the mind in a very well hidden layer I allowed and accepted these horrible things to happen. I realize I allowed these horrible things to happen because I did not trust myself and put another being above me and my child, not taking responsibility for me, but blaming and seeking outside of me.</p>

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reproduce my projection of my father into this situation and therefore placing this guy above me and my child, causing much grief and sorrow for me, the child in me and the guy.

Funny - now I describe D's father as 'this guy' lol, yes, this is how I experience it - he isn't that important, he has not the major part in this anymore. A relief. I am starting to see it was my father as me who had the major part in it, from my side of the window anyway. I wonder how this looks from a 'birds view' when 'this guys' part is included.

SF Hiding

To all who ‘hide' in rooms within themselves:

Here are some self forgiveness words:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by others ‘possible' perceptions of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ‘care' of what others may possibly think of me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to live me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to express me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to forget about me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I had placed myself within a secluded room within myself through fear of others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to neglect myself by placing myself within a secluded room within myself, through fear of what others may possibly think of me.

I forgive myself that I have defined who I am according to the physical instead of realising that I am one and equal as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven't realised that in placing myself within a secluded room within myself – that I had become an expressionless zombie – where I had hidden and forgotten about me.

I forgive myself that I haven't realised the fear and sadness within me because I had hidden and forgotten me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself through they eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to accept myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed me to become self intimate with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become lost.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am lost.

I forgive myself that I fear others judgment of me.

I forgive myself that I molded and shaped me according to others possible perceptions of me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to experience me, who I am.

I forgive myself that I had taken others thoughts/feelings/emotions into consideration before me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress myself in others presence through fear of what they may possibly think of me.

I forgive myself that I fear living me

I forgive myself that I fear expressing me.

I forgive myself that I fear speaking and voicing me.

I forgive myself that I search and seek appreciation and validation of me in others.

I forgive myself that I haven't realised that I fear being in the presence of me.

I forgive myself that I fear presence as me.

I forgive myself that I fear aloneness.

I forgive myself that I fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I have searched and seeked love separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I believe that I need love, that I need someone.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to enjoy me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself freedom as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need protection from others who may possibly hurt me emotionally.

I forgive myself for fearing to get hurt.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need protection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to feel safe and secure with another.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be self honest as me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I do not require protection, safety or security from another: I am self acceptance. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel ‘less than' in others presence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to constantly exist in fear, anxiety, self judgment, sadness, anger and frustration.

I forgive myself for being angry with me because I haven't allowed myself to live and express me – but secluded and hid me from myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to take me into consideration.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to hear me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take myself for granted and therefore take others for granted.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to move, expand and flow.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am stuck.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ‘miss me'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself when I made a mistake instead of realising that is was just a miss-take and I'll do it again until I grasp it.

And we're able to continue – but here's a start!

Enjoy

Veno

 

Veno - Self Forgiveness - Hiding

As transcribed and typed by Veno through the interdimensional portal

Date : 09/10/2007

Manifested Consequence – by Lao Tzu

You cannot change or alter what has already been done and manifested – you can only change yourself as who you are within that which you’ve already manifested and done – as created by and through you from within and as the mind in separation.
The point of change – does not imply separation, does not imply polarity, does not imply limitation – it is what it is, and how it is, as the manifested consequence that each must and will face – for this is the only way – that each one, will stand within and as humbleness as one and equal as life.
This has been tested and proven, interdimensionally – there is no ‘graceful’ or ‘merciful’ way to proceed within this process – as we have fallen from grace a long time ago, and have been merciless within our words and deeds as we’ve consumed and plundered through and within this reality, this world = seemingly unstoppable as we continue to destroy and eradicate all that which presents manifested life expression here as found within what is here as animals, nature as earth and sky and water – the trinity, the ‘holy trinity’ that stand as the equilibrium, the constant as the real manifested ‘god’ within and as this existence.
Though we’ve entered a phase within process wherein we’ll be stopping ourselves – through the experience of ourselves in and as manifested consequence – this consequence is not a ‘payment for deeds done or words spoken in the past’ from the perspective of ‘deserved revenge’, but simply to realize, simply to see – that there has been and is consequences to what has been accepted and allowed within each one’s actions and words towards self and another as self and another as self as within the manifested expression as this world/reality as nature, the animal kingdom and water.
Oh we have attempted ways and means to divert the inevitable, the inevitability of walking through and facing the manifested consequence of and as ourselves – by attempting to abdicate responsibility for all and everything of ourselves as manifested within the nature of ourselves presented in who we are as the starting point of ourselves within words and deed, by creating the constructs of blame. Also creating constructs of and as justification and excuses to hide the demeanor of the real demons that has become us as the self dishonest nature we’ve accepted and allowed to exist as – attempting to suppress the truth of ourselves through abdicating self responsibility and hiding within justifications and excuses.
I have experienced within myself, that I have always known – that such an ‘phase’ or experience of myself will come – and that the fear that I’ve always experienced, was the manifested fear of the absolute known certainty within me – that I will stand before myself, that I will face myself, because I’ve always known, that what I do and speak – remains here always, because it’s me – yes, I may suppress it, but it remains here in and as the construct of suppression. And so we’ve always kept to ourselves the truth of ourselves, and hid the self dishonesties within constructs – contained the self dishonesties within ourselves within constructs – but eventually, even for self, to maintain control of all the containments within and of our self dishonesties within constructs such as suppression, such as justification, such as excuses, such as hiding = becomes too much, because the self dishonesties compound in every moment as we continue to exist in self dishonesty within word and deed, and the self dishonesties mount as we place them and categorize them into manifested constructs we’ve developed and designed to attempt to hide them – and eventually the inevitability is here, as its always been here = we rapture, we tear apart and the foundation of ourselves as the manifested constructs within which we hid our self dishonesties as an attempt to believe that if it’s hidden or suppressed and thus ignored, it’ll go away and no more exist – collapse and fall and we finally stand before the inevitable that we’ve for so long attempted to control and have power over: The truth of ourselves HERE.
I have for myself, looked – and I could see what is to come, what is already here and done – manifested – by and through me myself. I understand and have understood within it all – that I must for me myself, walk through it and face each manifested experience which reflect my accepted and allowed deliberately self dishonesties and most importantly why I cannot change or alter, what I have already manifested as me – the ‘me’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as within and as separation of who I am HERE, which consist of and contain, all the manifested constructs within and as which all my self dishonesties exist.
We’re at the ‘point of no return’ – and it is because of this point, that no change or alteration can be done – only self transformation within and as self realization here as and while we walk through the manifested consequences of and as ourselves manifested here.
I have found that we’ve become so inherently self dishonest – that in ‘change’ or ‘alteration’ of ‘that which has already been done and manifested’ – would exist in self dishonesty, as we’d only again create another way/means to not have to face the consequences of our words and deeds throughout our existence here, it’s what we have become = we’ve become creators, existing in fear of the inevitable of ourselves as the self dishonest nature we’ve become, creating a reality/world in manifested separation of ourselves to attempt to hide within it – lol, though now our manifested created reality/world within which we exist or existed as a manifested means or way to attempt/try to hide within – has become and is the manifested reality/world as ourselves within and as which we’ll finally face ourselves within and as manifested physical experience = no escape, no hiding – as everything and all of ourselves will be right here in our face.
Fascinating how we created a place, a manifested existence/reality – believing that we possibly can hide within it, by designing everything in separation of and as ourselves – has now become the only place from which we cannot escape/hide – not even in death – as when you die, you return straight back here to face yourself – lol, within amalgamation as the self directive principled standing statement of self responsibility here, or reincarnation wherein you’re directed by and through your own shame and regret and fear for not standing up and self realizing self responsibility here, but made a statement that more suffering and pain is required within you and your world for you finally self realize what it means to STOP.
So within us resisting the inevitable – through attempting to hide from the inevitable – we manifested the inevitable within the very manifested creation, we created in attempt to hide from the inevitable.
And here we are –within and as our creation as this world – to face ourselves, as each and all self dishonesties we’ve accepted and allowed in every moment of our existence.
We’ve already created what is to be faced, what must be faced – this goes for each one individually, understand that each one will have manifested experiences take place, that is to come, within you and your reality – most unexpectedly, definitively unimaginable – realize that you created such experiences for and by you yourself, it was and is and has been always already here – by your will as the very nature or beingness of and as what you have accepted and allowed yourself to be.
This world will plummet into the darkness of misery, sorrow, shame, regret, anger and despair to name but a few primaries – as all hidden secrets and suppressions within contained constructs in and as self will rapture and tear and break – as controls will seize – because the protected containments that contained all self dishonesties can no more be contained through the means of control – and within this, a madness will consume man – as all the contained dishonesties seep out into the open, inverted into and as self – to manifest as self within and as manifested experiences in and as this world to be faced once and for all.
It’ll either be the final stand – or the fall of man.
Though you cannot change or alter what is already here manifested – you have the ability to prepare yourself, though even within preparation there exist no certainty – as your final test and proof of you as you as who you are here standing – will be in the manifested walking through, while and as you practically walk through – the manifested consequence of and as you yourself.
This self preparation for what is to come, for what is already here manifested – through which you will walk as the manifested consequence of and as yourself – is done through self forgiveness, self corrective action, breathing and writing. I will describe why and how such tools will assist and support you here:
Self forgiveness to assist and support you in self realizing self honesty – self honesty from the perspective of assisting and supporting you to give you the opportunity to for yourself see and realize how exactly and where exactly you’ve accepted and allowed self dishonesty to exist and manifest as you. Thus, self honesty emerge through self forgiveness applied absolutely within no half measures, as there exist no ‘in between’ within self honesty or self dishonesty = you will either remain self dishonest or become self honest within and through applying self forgiveness. And I have found a fascinating point within self forgiveness = that you know when you’re not absolute within and as your self expression within self forgiveness, and when your self forgiveness is applied to control and manipulate yourself to remain self dishonest, it is fascinating. That is why beings will have excuses/reasons/justifications for why not to apply self forgiveness – because a part of them know, that when they would apply self forgiveness for themselves, they would see the truth of themselves before themselves, no more hidden or suppressed – and that frightens beings much, the point of actually for themselves seeing themselves right before themselves, because it is that experience, from which we’ve for so long attempted to run, and so beings would attempt to ‘buy time’ – finding any and all other methods to not face the inevitable – yet they know it’ll come…
Beings that simply refuse to apply self forgiveness to establish self honesty – will have more extensive experiences manifesting within themselves and their world – because they will then through more extensive experiences – be forced to finally give themselves the opportunity to apply self forgiveness.
Realise, that those who apply self forgiveness – self forgiveness does not ‘take away’ what must be faced as the manifested consequence you have created because of who and what you’ve accepted and allowed yourself to be as the very beingness/nature of / as you. Self forgiveness simply ‘short-circuit’ your process, so that you don’t first have to go through extensive ‘processing’ to get to the exact same point as finally realizing you must start within yourself with self forgiveness to establish self honesty and so face you by you for you yourself.
Thus, self forgiveness is the application and you the expression within it – wherein you start taking self responsibility for you. You will either take self responsibility immediately within common sense through self realizing the necessity and importance of self forgiveness for you yourself by merely observing what exists within you – or you will take self responsibility by force – wherein everything in you and your world will start going wrong, will start falling apart – until nothing else is left but you, and all that exist is you and thus all that you can turn to is you, yourself – and so only realize, when standing completely alone within this world, with no-one else – with nothing more to blame, no more excuses/reasons/justifications left, no more purpose or reason for existing – and in the absolute darkness of misery and despair – you will realize: But all that is left is me – if all that is left is me here alone, then I must be the cause, I must stand up.
Or beings will within this experience remove themselves from the world – though understand that such an act is of giving up on yourself – which is the most regrettable experience within all of existence, though such a point exist within all, a point where you can just break and in that breaking = give up on yourself. Beings that deliberately remove themselves from this world – they will start from scratch, meaning that you will be stripped from all and everything that you have ever been and existed as throughout existence and start from the exact same origin point from which you originated within this existence. Understand though that such beings will be responsible for the lengthening of this process for all – as all must wait for them to walk billions of years of process – which takes about 7 to 18 years within the interdimensional existence, based on the beings’ nature. And those that deliberately remove themselves from this world = will remember this point where they have given up on themselves before the greatest transcendence of themselves, and instead of walking through it – decided to give up…
Understand that each will walk through this point, each must – the point where you will experience the greatest misery, sadness, pain, regret, anger, fear and despair – in the darkness, the evil of yourself – you will become and stand all alone within it – with no-one to help you or save you, where you will either stand absolutely or fall a great fall = this is facing yourself, and it is for this point, that you are preparing yourself through self forgiveness.
Thus those that experience within themselves as though there exist no reason or purpose to continue your existence, wherein you believe that ‘death’ is the only way ‘out’ – you’re at the exact place where you want to be, because it is within this experience, that you for you yourself will see what you’re really made of – it is from here, that you will either ‘kill your idea of yourself’ through self corrective application in standing within self honesty – or die physically = which will only prolong your process further and that of everyone else as you.
Understand that you will either ‘kill the idea of yourself’ for and by yourself through the tools suggested as self forgiveness, self corrective application, breathing and writing – or you will die physically – though within dying physically, you made the statement that you ‘cherish’ and ‘love’ the idea of yourself of mind ‘too much to actually give it up and stop existing within it’ – that you prefer existing in separation of you as all as one as equal as life – that you prefer existing in continued suffering and pain - and so what will occur is you manifesting one and equal the statement you have made of yourself as yourself and continue existing in separation and suffering and this suffering will intensify and greaten in every moment until you stop and start taking self responsibility and apply self forgiveness to establish self honesty.
Thus – the first point to establish for yourself is self forgiveness ABSOLUTELY – no half measures, otherwise your self forgiveness is useless, meaningless – and you know when you apply self forgiveness absolutely or when it’s just mere words spoken in justification – because if self forgiveness is applied absolutely – you will actually really change within your self expression here within word and deed – if all is still exactly the same – your self forgiveness exist in and as the starting point of justification, justifying your idea of yourself in an attempt to remain in control of how you’ve always existed and continue hiding and suppressing the truth of you.
Self corrective application I’ll keep concise as this is a self honest point for each one alone within their own processes – as you will find that you cannot actually apply self corrective application as the statement of the change and transformation of you in self honesty – which you established for and as you within and as and through self forgiveness.
Thus, self forgiveness and self corrective action must stand as one and equal as you in and as you – it’s the point of establishing oneness and equality in self expression here as you. Because when self forgiveness is applied absolutely, self honesty will emerge and within self honesty – you will absolutely live the self correction of and as that which you’ve self realized in self forgiveness – as what and how you must change and transform you in and as how you live and speak in self expression here as and while you participate in and as this world.
A point to consider: If there exist still habits and behaviours within you and your world which you ‘seemingly suddenly fall into without awareness’ – know that your self forgiveness is not effective, there exist no self honesty, because there is no self directive principle as you in every moment here in self awareness – because in self honesty, you are self aware – and when you in self honest self awareness see a pattern emerge in a moment – by god you will stop immediately and stand = which is self corrective application as making a self honest statement of who I am here.
Through self forgiveness, establishing self honesty – self corrective action expressed in and as self directive principle in and as self awareness here – here you’re becoming self sufficient, self independent, self standing alone here, establishing you here as who you are here one and equal with and as you as all. SELF HONESTY is the key. And when you walk HERE as expressed above – you will realize that you’re actually walking unconditional self forgiveness, the REAL self forgiveness – where self forgiveness becomes the manifested expression of and as you – because then you realize the brutal irreverence of actual real unconditionality for all as one as equal as life.
Understand that this is a tough road ahead for all of us – and it will remain so, until all stand HERE one and equal as life.
Understand that you will apply self forgiveness for seven years minimum, any being that state that they are done with self forgiveness before then = is really self dishonest, because of the extent of the self dishonest nature we’ve become, it takes seven years minimum of absolute applied and express self forgiveness together with self corrective application in self honesty established as self for self by self – until you’ve proven to you absolutely that you can walk for seven years minimum straight – without falling, without giving up.
Thus, understand – your process actually only start – when you walk self forgiveness and self corrective application in self honesty one and equal as you in every moment here, before then – you’re still only in a process of first establishing absolute self honesty as you here.
Self forgiveness, breathing and writing – are the first points you walk with as you – to establish self honesty, to self realize you within the manifested separate design that you have defined yourself as, as but an idea of yourself you have become. And to from here be able to walk the self corrective action as you one and equal with and as self forgiveness in and as self honesty as you.
Understand breathing – assist and support you to self stabilize you as you actually start seeing you for the first time and to within the mess of it all, the fuss of it all – have a self stability point from within which to stand to assist and support you in and as the self forgiveness process. And when breathing becomes you – you will self realize that breathing become the absolute pillar as with which you stand one and equal to actually walk through this process = breathing will become your ‘saving grace’ so to speak within what is to come – lol, you will see…
Writing the same with breathing – though breathing is the self stability self assistance and self support within structural self stabilizing whereas writing is the self stability, self assistance and self support within expression self stabilizing – thus you have an ‘inner and outer’ self stabilizing point to assist and support you within and through the phase of facing you HERE through and as self forgiveness to establish self honesty for and as you absolutely.
Thus, in writing and breathing and applying absolute self forgiveness within and as it as you walk in every moment – will monumentally assist and support you within and as the phase of establishing self honesty and carry you through to the phase of living self forgiveness and self corrective application one and equal as you here within and through and as what is to come.
Realise that those who resist the process – will only eventually get to the exact same point of self realizing for themselves that they have to, for themselves, start with self forgiveness, breathing and writing.
HEAR me – the tools as I described above, is but to assist and support you to ‘prepare the way before you’ for what you, as all equally as one, will face within and as this reality, this world as the manifested consequential experiences that is already here – playing out. This is not a solution and is not the saviour of the manifested consequential experiences that are already here that all will walk through, equally as one – but is the solution for and as you to stop the nature we’ve become and stand up and walk through absolutely with no shame, no judgment, no regret, no sorrow – what we’ve done as we face ourselves absolutely within and as this manifested reality/existence.
Until all stop and all that remain is HERE.
Again: You cannot change and you will find for yourself that it’s impossible to change what has already been done – yet we can change our experience within it, through and as living and expressing one and equal the tools provided as you here.
Thus realize, that each will inevitably self realize the self responsible stand to take for and as self within the expression of starting with self forgiveness, breathing and writing = I’d suggest doing so through self directive common sense, than to prolong your process and that of others exponentially – because you were too arrogant and selfish to consider you as all as one as equal as life here, but preferred ego above all – which only imply further suffering and pain, for you and that of all.
Understand this is how it is – this is how we’ve all equally as one accepted and allowed this process to be – because we wouldn’t unconditionally let go of and release the past and walk in unconditional absolute self forgiveness in self honesty as the living expression of who we are here.
We decided, through the very statement of the nature of our self dishonest existence – that we’ll only through much pain and suffering stand up and take self responsibility = and so it is and will be = until all equal and one, has finally stood up in self honesty, actually stopped and actually changed and proven this for and as themselves absolutely.
Though understand, what remain is the principle that you will equal and one manifest, experience and be what you accept and allow yourself to be one with and equal to through accepted and allowed self definition.
Thus realize – that we determine this process for and as ourselves, each one alone – either much, much, much more pain and suffering than what is already here as a prolonged process because of no actual unconditional self forgiveness to establish self honesty, or a ‘faster transcendence’ with not so much unnecessary pain and suffering – and walk through and stand through that which must and will be faced ‘faster’ by actually really applying unconditional self forgiveness here.
So we begin and so we walk until this is done.
Lao Tzu