15 December 2008

Back on track

ow do I know when it's real - and not yet another illusion in an ilusion in an illusion in an illusion...

I simply can not know.

I am getting some 'easy, ready to go' answers on the forum, but he is 'missing my point' - lol because maybe there is no point at all.

Self trust. I doubt, I am careful - I do not want to live yet another illusion. But being 'careful' brings me nowhere either. Though it is simple - just be here, be breath.

I've been there, for some time I was not mind, no reaction, but simple, stable here and now - and then 'horrible' things happened - I let them happen, so how can I ever again trust me? That what's playing out at the moment for me. The most painful, desperate period in my life, for 2 years. Never experienced that much pain (on all levels) before. Well, maybe in my childhood, I can't remember clearly yet, but I am beginning to see the common factor with my childhood. The starting point. Yes, my father and my endless, self sacrifying love for him.

B. wrote some stuff on the stages of this process, I remember, I even translated it - have to look it up. Well, I did fall this first time, flat on my face - and haven't directed myself yet back on my feet, I guess.

How can I trust myself, dare I trust myself? If I do not trust myself then there is nothing left to trust. That hurts a great deal. Yes, that's what I will work on first. Still my question is here - how do I know something isn't just another mindfuck? Things can be very clear, stable and still a mindfuck - I know what me as mind is capable of.

Maybe I am being too 'absolute' - I am totally selfhonest or totally selfdishonest. Is it possible to be totally selfhonest but still have dishonesties hidden? Layers. Ok, but am I totally selfhonest then, when there are still hidden layers of deceit in me???? Oh my, am I doubtfull, or not LOL All part of the mindfuck called 'doubt'.

In this period of 'not of the mind' I did not label I wasn't thinking Oh this is bad, good, nice, ugly etc Everything just was what it was. Having a headache? Headache is headache - neither good or bad, it just is here.  Etc. I remember being very playful at that time - had alot of fun. lol, the 'serious' people got very annoyed with me, I remember - and I was ok with that: they played the serious game, well, I wasn't so I let them be and was who/what I was. I wasn't annoyed by them and if they were bothered by me, well, go and find yourself some other people that like your game. I was quite 'happy' with me and quite 'happy' when with people - it made no difference to who I was.

Words are very unsufficient to describe this. It seems they all contain some label, some judgment (yes, we put it in there, words are just words - communication with words, well, it is so 'crippled'. At that time I felt I actually didn't want to speak anymore - because of the words I spoke not being accurate. Words aren't accurate at all (beings as words aren't accurate at all - so many pictures attached to every word and not even the same pictures LOL Talking about a chair I have this picture of a wooden chair with pink cushions and my friend sees another chair - so we can easily misunderstand each other. Just a very simple example - but this is how it works in all communication.) When I spoke it just happened - I didn't plan it, didn't think about it, had no thoughts on forehand. And neither while speaking (besides the practical ones).

In the mornings, waking up I used to stay in bed a little longer, being one with my body, being my body - any 'discomfort' like a sleight stifness in the neck (ha!I wrote 'in MY neck' but I actually referred to it as 'THE neck') I breathed with. I WAS breath - did the same breathing as the Desteni tools, breath in, hold, I am here, breath out, hold, this is the only moment that actually exist - and after a while it was ME, not exercise anymore. Sometimes I experienced some music before getting up (meaning I wasn't listening but experiencing the music and me as body as one - very cool.) Then there was a point I just got up - no decision to get up, but just getting up. My body movement was getting up and leave the bed. Just like breathing - so natural, no controle over it at all. When it was slow, it was slow, when it was deep, it was deep, when it was quick and 'superficial', it was just that - there was no control, it just happened - my body knew very well how to breath. And when things came up with the breath - well, I supported by seeing it, embracing it and when appropiate, deleting it. All in one instance.

About language - I was very open to poetry. Not the average poetry people are producing as poetry ( exceptions there are), but merely the poetry of life and sometimes there were words, a combination of words, that were exactly, yes, these words were one with that particular expression of life. Proza I didn't find that accurate.

Oh yes, I feel 'homesick' - I was 'at home with me' at that time, intimate with me, at ease with me. Stable in me - no need or urge to make these movements 'outwards' (meaning the mind - reacting. Other people, well, it just wasn't important to me what they said, wanted, needed etc - I wasn't 'indifferent' to them, but their 'games' were obvious to me and most of the time there was no movement in me to go along with these games. So I didn't. I just didn't. Didn't have to think or decide - I just didn't LOL there was no movement, so there was this 'response' in me of not responding (I'm not sure if in English the difference between reaction and response is as clear as it is for me: reaction=movement from mind - response=movement from self: expression. LOL not even in Dutch this is clear - most people do not notice the difference, well, maybe these are just the words I use to pinpoint, not common)

I used to call this 'games' (actually still do)but not in the usual sense of the word (as perceived by many) I meant in Desteni language: personalities and their actions in words and deeds (feelings etc included). And also because I didn't take that serious anymore - all role playing. And when someone was crying because of emotional pain inflicted on them yes, I could feel sorry for them, but only because I saw how this person was entangled with it and not able to see. What I didn't do was: doing everything necessary to make them see. No, I just didn't do that. I was not being equal and one. I was caught up in the 'karma thing'. I did think about it though - how to make this world a better place for all, but could not see how to do this but by getting more and more aware myself and live this. I guessed this was all I could contribute. Because all had to work their way through their karma. Even Osho said that the Africans had to work their way through their karma and that we had not to worry about other people. It took me quite awhile to get at ease with that, but in the end I managed and only focussed on me and my mindfucks. Believing all I could do was make the change in my life and in being the living example for others in my world.  But I refused (I see now) to be active - doing everything necessary to make other beings aware. No I did not do that - I tried but they didn't understand. At that point I simply stopped. Besides that: I still projected. I failed to see that what was so obvious to me - wasn't obvious to others. Aaah, how to put this in right words?! At that time I was involved with people walking the same proces as me, so I assumed they knew what I was saying - and they knew, but only with their minds, not living it. I assumed they were living it. I just believed their words. Why should I distrust their words? Why should anyone speak words they do not live?

On the Desteni forum this is also happening. Of course. I see people using the words, but are they actually living these words? I do not know. Some use these words in a lively manner, enthousiastic,  well-spoken - but do they actually live them, I do not know. So I am not that impressed by words anymore. I wont let me be directed by their words. I will only direct myself (as far as I can tell ofcourse, still layers upon layers here as me) I will only trust myself.

Even what Desteni says - well, of course I have to test this all for myself. Like I told my students in the past (I gave these astrology courses): for the moment you just have to believe what I am saying so I can teach you how to use these tools. Then when you have mastered these tools, go back and check everything I've told you - see if it is still true for you. If not - please share with me, so I can 'broaden' my views.

So, this is how I perceive Desteni's part in my process - for the moment I take this for true, but not 'following blindly' - I will have to test for myself. So far most of it (besides what I've immediately acknowledged as 'truth' because of me testing, experiencing and living this before) is common sense to me, so 'trustworthy' to investigate and experience. I will trust myself, not Desteni. Would be fuicking stupid to do. And not common sense lol

Remains my question: what if this all is yet another illusion? Could very well be (pffffffffff, enlightment was revealed as a kind of mindfuck, deceit, half truth, so why not even Desteni Dimensions LOL) and maybe existence has many many layers of deceit and illusion too. For the moment I'll stick with this, walk this process and see what's next (LOL this will take some time), after this proces is done, will there be another process?  We will see.

Ok, I'm 'back on track' lolol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'not being of the mind' and 'horrible things happened' - as if 'horrible things' is the outflowing consequence of 'not being of the mind'. I realize that because of me being of the mind in a very well hidden layer I allowed and accepted these horrible things to happen. I realize I allowed these horrible things to happen because I did not trust myself and put another being above me and my child, not taking responsibility for me, but blaming and seeking outside of me.</p>

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reproduce my projection of my father into this situation and therefore placing this guy above me and my child, causing much grief and sorrow for me, the child in me and the guy.

Funny - now I describe D's father as 'this guy' lol, yes, this is how I experience it - he isn't that important, he has not the major part in this anymore. A relief. I am starting to see it was my father as me who had the major part in it, from my side of the window anyway. I wonder how this looks from a 'birds view' when 'this guys' part is included.

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