29 December 2008


I trust them to not harm me or abuse me, instead of trusting me to not allow them.

And so I always end up being hurt both ways, all the ways. I am having a hard time facing me, here, now. I am so ashamed I can't hardly bear to see myself. I am in great fear now.

I think this is the bottom line of me.

I've just canceled the visit to the sauna with K - I just do not want to go and be with others. I can't trust myself and I can't trust K to not abuse me or abuse him.

Now I experience a slight movement in me - of punishment, like I should punish myself for that (the canceling? The lying? I told him I've got a big headache and this is not true - this is the only excuse he understands and accept) I had for a moment this image of me in bed with no blankets and the window wide open - it is freezing cold outside. Now, why would I want to do that? Punish myself for not living up to the expectation of someone else, and most of all: mine. Self inflicted pain - meeting up to this expectation= self inflicted pain. Not doing so = self inflicted pain also.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the need to punish myself for not meeting up to the expectations of another person (in canceling the visit to the sauna, this being a birthday gift to me from K) and not meeting up to my own expectation of me (repay this gift by the courtesy to go) I do not want to because of all that is attached to it during all these years of visiting the sauna with K - and me allowing alot harm/abuse to both of us. K touching me in a brutal way because he wants to give me a massage. That's it: he wants to give so I have to receive - no asking, no offering, he just takes what he wants because of his own need for 'giving'. That's the bottom line in the relationship with my friend K. And I do not want to hurt him (buurgh, how sweet of me, well, not) No, this is not true, cannot be the truth - I do not want to reject him out of fear of being rejected myself. So I let him treat me this way - so this image of him being the good, giving guy remains, so this image of me being the good, caring person remains (only considering K's needs and not mine)

Now I did stand up to alot of this in the last 15 years - lol the 'little things' that are still there (like the massages in the sauna) I didn't want to expose them - being too hard on K LOL, so I endure these small tokens of 'affection' (keeping the lie alive - this got nothing to do with 'affection' towards me, just a brutal showing to every guy in the sauna that I am with him, also a part of the massage ritual - and I hate this. This typical male behaviour, like a roaster. Bwaaaaaaaaaaah, never liked this because it entails ownership, ownership of me, another being.

Last night in bed, after writing the previous blog, lots of things started moving in me. Most of all this shame, deep deep shame, the abuse and rape of me I allowed - it felt like I allowed the rape and abuse of my child. In fact that is what I allowed - I allowed myself to rape and abuse the innocent child I am, I raped and abused this innocent child myself, beyond imagination. I am so ashamed of this...

So I will spend this afternoon probably facing myself, facing my shame - or running and hiding from it: all the same to me, because I know this is inevitable - I will face me. In fact I am already doing so.

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