29 December 2008

less than

omething a friend said to me today triggered this feeling of being perceived as less than other beings when valued in money. And that hurts, alot.

And instead of rejecting and suppressing that feeling I now let it be here. It hurts in my stomach - like I want to bend forward with some spasm. Happens alot - maybe that's suppression itself, I don't know.

I've fooled myself many times in thinking it was just me noticing something like that - so I must be a 'bad' person thinking other people that claim to care for me a great deal, should perceive me as less when valued in money. Bad thoughts, bad girl. But in fact, this is what happens. It is real, true. I am valued less than when put in money by others (some).

Today it was K, a long time friend. I had my birthday this month and like every year K invited me for a visit to the sauna, his treat. Another one of his friends had his birthday too and was invited also and so we decided to go together, the three of us (and D, he loves the sauna too). K told me however that the other friend would get a meal and I wouldn't. I'm ok with that, I do not want a meal, or maybe I'll buy it myself - that's not the point (though he promised me one when he invited me) K is a very materialistic kind of person - money is very important to him - and I know he is now valueing this other friend as 'more than' me.

So, why would I care? I feel somewhat humiliation, yes, that someone would value me as less than. Does this mean I value me as less than? Probably - I do not experience that atm, but it may very well be that I got so used to this feeling that I do not notice it as that anymore.

It echoes - from the past, my father... He must have been thinking of me as less than, why else would he have treated me the way he did? Well, that doesn't matter actually. What matters is this belief I have that I am less than when it comes down to money (or whatever)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of me as 'less than' when .... no, this is not what's bothering me. Probably this is what it is, but not what I recognize at this moment. There is this strange contradiction in me. God had a smile on his face when I was born - yes, that is what I truely believe, or believed - because God is no more lol a lie. And I can't say I believe Anu smiled when I was born. The child I am thinks God smiled when she was born and thinks everyone should feel this way about themselves. Yet another part of/in me perceives herself to be less than?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist admitting I feel less than. Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik van mezelf accepteer en mezelf toesta om me te verzetten tegen het toegeven dat ik mezelf 'minder dan' voel. Het is oké om me te verzetten. Het is oké om me 'minder dan' te voelen/mezelf als minder dan te ervaren en dat niet te willen toegeven aan mezelf omdat ik daar me hele leven al tegen vecht, mijn energie steek in het ontkennen van het bestaan van dit geloof.

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