‘I have within my life experience here on earth had this ‘nagging inner desire’ to ‘want to understand it all’, to ‘want to understand me’, to ‘want to understand how I work’, to ‘want to understand how this world works’, ‘to want to understand how I and this world operate’, to want to understand how each individual one of us operate – from this question I had asked myself when I was 15:
Before I ‘get to the question’ – this ‘inner desire’ ignited when I began to observe me, observe people, observe my environment and surroundings and I had this feeling that there’s ‘something here that no-one is seeing’, that no-one is noticing – something that we’re supposed to see, supposed to understand, supposed to know: But we aren’t. This ‘something’ I felt and had seen only in glimpses when observing many people together at the same time, even in hearing the chilling breeze brush through the branches and leaves of a tree: a momentary glimpse of ‘something’ unseen, yet here – and because of this, a ‘nagging desire’ was experienced within me: There’s something here – but we’re not seeing it, it’s almost touchable – so close, yet so far…
And it is from here that the question came: What is it that is here, that is right here, that I feel, that I only see in glimpses amongst the masses, which hide in the mysteries of trees and nature – but not seeing, not understanding, not ‘getting’ that I as everyone must realise: But we can’t, we don’t even realise it’s here, we don’t realise that there’s something here – in us, all around us: EVERYWHERE…
And it is because of this ‘nagging feeling’ within me: That I began to explore drugs…
And no, I was never satisfied while here on earth that I had ‘found that which I had been wanting to understand’ – I have only now, in this document within which I type: Realised what it is that I had experienced within me: When you stop looking, when you stop searching, when you stop the adventure, when you stop seeking, when you stop walking the path to discover: This is when you findally (finally) realise the answer…
I find that each being has a ‘point’ of awareness within them – some may refer to it as ‘intuition’, where you’re always aware of yourself and the experience of yourself: ALWAYS EVERYWHERE. That ‘something’ I experienced was like a ‘ghost’ a ‘phantom’ that I glimpsed of which existence I became aware of, permeating and infiltrating everything everywhere: Omnipresent. The very phantom, the very ghost that would haunt my entire life and consume me to the very essence of bone of the earth from which I come.
I knew it wasn’t a ‘being’, it wasn’t an ‘it’, it wasn’t of this world nor of the world hereafter, this ‘something’ was everywhere yet nowhere: In the wind, in the movement of the leaves on the grass, as the wings of the butterfly and bee, in the bones of my body, the flow of my blood, the pain in my stomach when I was hungry, as the moment of breath – and I knew it was not ‘God’, as ‘God’ was personified, ‘God’ had an identity – this ‘something’ was not of personification, was not of identity: This ‘something’ IS.
I always strongly believed that people ‘believing in something as a God’ was the most insane creatures to walk upon this earth, demented actually: I could not understand their ‘inner reality’ of what would make them think there exist something or someone greater and more powerful than themselves – wasn’t what exists in this world as those that control money, war and lucrative businesses not the very example of ‘Gods’ in this world, right here? That has that very power ‘over them’ as the ‘God’ portrayed in the Bible?
That was my definition of ‘God’: Someone with so much power in their hands they have the ability to control masses with fear, holding the very person(s) in their hands with the ability, strength to manipulate the being to be whatever is demanded of them to be and the person(s) do – no questions asked. The ‘God’ principle is seen in the greater and the smaller of this world within which we exist:
I saw teachers with such power as ‘God’ – having the power to make or break a child, having the very life of a person in your hands, from the perspective of being a point that would determine the beings entire life experience of themselves in this world is to be God.
I saw parents as Gods – the character of God as portrayed in the Bible for instance is played by each human being in this world in some way or another – and they don’t even realise it.
And I occasionally wondered what ‘God’ I would become in this world – and I did become a ‘God’ so to speak – each one of us become the portrayal of God – whether upon another’s life or our own – we are God of ourselves and God of another…
I absolutely despise it when human beings say: You are God, without actually completely, fully comprehending such a statement, without actually completely, fully understanding such a statement and the actual, real meaning, the actual, real truth of what such a statement indicate, entail, encompass – never mind the responsibility that goes with it.
Ah – but responsibility: One of many words that exists that is most often used – yet never actually considered with regards to the truth of such a word by means of actually living such a word as responsibility, responsibility in this world is non-existent. Let me put it to you this way:
If beings actually lived the word responsibility – this world would not be what it is.
If beings actually lived the word God – this world would not be what it is.
So, in my life experience I searched for methods to ‘tap into’ this ‘source’, this ‘something’ that caused this ‘nagging drive’ within me – as though a ‘ghost’ / ‘phantom’ ‘wanting me to see’, ‘wanting me to realise’, ‘wanting me to understand’, ‘wanting me to notice’, this ‘nagging feeling’ that very ‘something’ driving me to question, driving me to ‘want to understand’, driving all of me – but cannot show that to me, but cannot speak it to me: I must find out for myself, for me. It was like a question existed within me – the question had no words, it was a feeling for which I must find an answer, an understanding, a realization, yet not knowing the question, not knowing what answer I am supposed to find: This experience was a MASSIVE transformation of the course in direction my life would take me.
It’s quite interesting me typing here – do not know what I will be saying in the next moment in any way whatsoever, quite exhilarating and free this experience for me…
So, the very reason for me exploring with drugs was to uncover this ‘nagging experience’ within me, this ‘phantom’, this ‘ghost’ was driving me with – this ‘phantom’, this ‘ghost’ I had only seen glimpses of: But I was certain was here as certain as the very air I breathe, everywhere in everything permeating and infiltrating within and throughout yet nowhere, and within this: Uncovered, explored and investigated the ‘inner workings and operations’ of me and the mind, me and this world, me and humanity collectively.
I explored and investigated everything while on drugs – as I understood and as I was aware of that this ‘something’ exists within and as everything and everywhere, and thus I explored everything and everywhere while on drugs, all sorts and all variations: As many and as much as I could possible handle within the boundaries, constraints and limitations of this human physical body.
I knew there had to be some form of ‘relationship connection’ somewhere – which I had to ‘connect to’ to be able to experience this ‘something’ as me, so that I’m in such a way able to understand, comprehend and communicate with this ‘something’ as me = this is what I was looking for, this is what I was searching for: This is what I had to do, this is what I must do: And it became my sole purpose in life – to connect to this ‘something’ that I felt within me as everything and everywhere, that I knew ‘was right here, but we’re all missing it’.
I had one abnormally obscene life, I myself delightfully surprised that I managed to ‘make it here’ for so long despite all that I had experienced and my human physical body and mind as me endured, the human physical body is magnificent in itself.
I really believed I was ‘helping people’, because I believed that I was ‘helping myself’, through what I had done in this world, through what I stood as in this world, and that’s why the heading of this document is: DRUGS: The Kingdom of heaven – for I really believed that DRUGS were the KEY to the actual, real ‘Garden of Eden’, the ‘Kingdom of Heaven’: Until I realised that nothing of all that I had experienced in this world was REAL not even that which became my ‘purpose’ in life and reason for living: ‘Connecting’ with that ‘something’ I believed I was certain was THERE, was HERE – but unseen, unnoticed by all and so I became a man on a mission, the mission the very ‘carrot dangling before the donkey’ throughout my life, consuming me, possessing me – until death and thereafter: Until now.
To be continued…
