24 January 2008

Push & Withdraw

For the last couple of months I have been more tensed than relaxed. Pushed and withdrawn. Pushing and withdrawing. In an endless loop. Feeling I should direct myself more effectively but unable to. So much for standing up.

The harder I try to direct myself the harder these habit-thoughts pop up. I feel more insecure about myself than I have in years. I guess I am in some kind of wasteland - my mind panicking to get my ass back. And something else pushing me to go further. At the moment both forces are about equal, so I am stuck in this noman's land, not a nice place to be though. My startinppoint here sucks! Noman's or whateverland - I am here, liking it or not, can't change the view, so have to change the viewer.

I am here

I hear me I here me

I see me

I will watch my tree of life video once again - maybe transcribe it, subtitle it, so the words can flow right from my fingertops into my body, me. I am still so judgmental about me, either to harsh or to soft. Pushing or withdrawing :-)


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