Feeling a lot better today :) Nice, playful afternoon with Simon (2) whom I was babysitting. I enjoyed being in the playground with him, together on the swing and running, teasing, laughing. Not so much thoughts at all, especially not the ones telling me what I should be (not) feeling, thinking etc. Just me, Simon and the swing.
I probably didn't express myself that well last night - I wasn't talking about quitting 'Desteni', no not at all. I meant quitting this 'wanting to be a part of it', and 'not wanting to miss a thing'. I felt like drowning in all that info, my head spinning all the time, even when in bed.
So I decided to take better care of me. I like it simple and clear. I know the message, I know what to do. So no need to hang out all day on the forum or chat or blogs. Just too much for me - no time for digesting, or even be 'here', enjoying the presence of myself and Dj and the cats and the neighbours and the rain :-)
It is out of fear of 'not being a part of it' that I am allowing myself to be totally soaked into info. I know this fear very well. Out of this fear I actually didn't join groups of people. I felt to, but didn't, or when I did I felt the need to secure my place. And not wanting to do that, I withdrew and so staying in this loop. I do not want to do it anymore, neither 'being in' or 'being out'. I am just me, here. And when I am with other people I just stay 'me, here'. So much more room for me, the sky! I can breathe.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to feel the need 'to be part of it' out of fear to be on my own.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to live the idea that I should be part of something outside myself to really be someone, a person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to compromise me by not hearing/seeing what I really needed, in order to be part of it in order not to feel myself left out.
I hear me. I see me. I am here.
Yeah, that's a point. I need be validated by other people: they must see me/hear me and react to me in order to proof to me that I exist ???!!! I know this, no need to be selfdishonest about it, who are you fooling, yourself whoaoaoaoao stupid nice :) I, my ego, is hurt by not being seen by other people, but what the real fuck is that I don't see me. And funny is, the more I don't see me, the more other people seem to not notice me. Or maybe I am just more focussed on seeing signs of being ignored or something. And then: I can't stand the idea that I should need anybody besides myself - so I start hiding the fact that I am looking for validation. So I am fooling myself twice in one, hehe. Pretty clever fucked up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself the thought and feeling that my existance should be validated by other people.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself and have not accepted from myself to confirm my own existance by just being me, here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself not to see me/not to hear me/not to notice me/not to pay attention to me/not taking care of me. Instead I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to be focussed on others, by all means: hearing them, seeing them, paying attention to them, noticing them, taking care of them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to hide my need for validation from other people behind a 'I don't need validation' attitude.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself the creation of a 'I dont need validation' attitude.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself and accepted from myself to to judge myself as a non-existant being.
Ingrid
