23 August 2008

Fear, fear, fear, fear - I am fear

There is one point that's obvious to me: the core of my fear is the fear of being trapped and not being able due to circumstances, to express my fear (or anger or... just powerless) 
These clear dreams I've had in the past of me hiding in the woods behind bushes and in front of me there we're soldiers killing lots of people - just shooting them and they fell in this hole in the ground. And I was horrified by this 'inhuman, apathetical behaviour' of these soldiers, not seeing that they were killing other humans like themselves, or just not give a shit. Hiding myself, must keep quiet, not a sound to be made, not even breathing - they will find me and kill me too. This nightmare I am facing, I want to run to them to make them stop, I am so horrified, so angry, so stuck with horror, I am suffocating, have to suffocate myself otherwise they will hear and I will be killed too.

I've had similar dreams, even in childhood. Always about hiding while in panick, fear. Only a little, little distance between me and the ones that are there to kill, torture me - and I have to even stop breathing.

And now I have this feelings of panic sometimes, when alone, or in the middle of the night, no one to talk to: I feel this fear of nowhere to go to, being stuck HELP ME - but I am not allowing myself to express this. Just suffocating myself, expressing me in hyperventilation - not being able to breathe, the feeling of not getting enough air in my lungs - being scared of the symptoms of a body that lacks a 'good breathing'. Ah, yes, when nervous, I'm having trouble to swallow my food: it gets stuck in my throat or, no, it is the fear it will get stuck and then I will die. Fear of fear of fear of fear.

Writing this down I start to experience this spasm in my stomach.

So, these dreams - not just German soldiers, but also native Americans (I am in this house on the prairy, hiding again from these people who want to kill me)

So, expressing myself equals being killed. 

At the moment I feel frustrated because of  computer is acting strange, keeping me from writing and Dj talking, wanting to be heard by me, keeping me from writing - aaaaaaaaargh, there is no room for ME. Another thing that's 'bugging' me - or is it the same: me (computer, Dj) suffocating me?

Yes, I am suffocating myself - all my life I have been suffocating myself. By not allowing myself to breathe, because of fear of being noticed and getting 'killed'. By not allowing to express myself because of fear of being noticed and getting 'killed'. Killing myself to avoid getting killed, what a choice - either way I am dead.
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