10 August 2008

2008 Fearing the demon in me, as me, around me

I've been thinking about this, the demonlike - the demonlike in me, the demon in me.
Many years ago I was in this relationship and I was very frustrated by it. One evening we were just sitting on the couch, he was watching tv and I was reading (haha Osho, I was reading Osho) And then 'out of nowhere' my book flew through the room, with such power that it ended at the other end of the room....
Nothing spooky, just me, for a moment devilloosing control without being aware of it. I could identify it as rage, so much rage - I wanted to kill him, beat him up, stab him etc, but not allowing myself. So for a moment I was this demon... but probably even then still in control (only the book got hurt:)
So, I am wondering what I am actually capable of, now... deleting  definitions of me - the obvious ones, the 'loving' one, the peaceful one etc, all helped me in suppressing anger, rage, bloodthirstiness ... Facing the demon...

comment from Marianne on the above:

Interesting this. because I realize I am all these demons, if I say i am not, I do not see all I have allowed myself to become and actually suppress it instead. Here we are facing all the ugly shit we have become and it is really really shocking. It is easy for mind to immediately start denying it all, and refuse to see that we are all responsible. Every day its compounding, and many points are immediate in my life now, if I allow myself to experience fears, then these fears manifest, rapidly! The delay seems gone, it is all HERE, lol
So, remain within and as breath and walk through it, or be of and as mind and experience hell literally. Whatever it takes to finally stop. I walk, and I see all I have become, revealed to me by myself and mirrored to me by beings. Layer by layer until nothing remains.

Watched some movie on tv, 'Supernatural' and tht59641hxfodere was this witch, in the mirror. She scared the hell out of me - because of another movie I once saw, the Grudge and another one, with a phone - people that got a phone call, all got killed by this demon... I was scared, old fashioned scared - ieek, maybe this being stands beside me, I do not want to look, but I have to open my eyes.... That kind of being scared. Stupid, but yeah. Why am I so scared of this type of 'demon'? In all three movies they move very slow, glide and their long hair (heeeee, they were all women!) before their eyes, head down and then slowly, very slow the head goes up and you see a glimpse of their eyes, or merely the idea of it. And they crawl out of a tv or a mirror, slowly. Terror.  

Just watched a trailer of The Grudge, and wow, I still get scared. So perhaps I should watch it all over again, iek! I can't remember the name of that other movie that scared the hell out of me too, the one with the phone (or maybe it is another one, something with a being crawling out of the tv) I just do not want to be scared of this anymore - this is 'not real' from the perspective that there are much bigger horrors in this reality (Watched Animal Planet yesterday, about orang-utans discovering fish as food. These fish were trapped because the water level was lowering and one of the apes got curious and got herself this fish and started licking it and then took a bite - the fish it's mouth went wide open, like in great pain... People always say that fish aren't capable of feeling anything - I saw this isn't true: they experience pain...
All the suffering/pain animals do to each other - no, that's hell too, not just nature's way, just hell too. They were programmed too, to kill and eat and I watch that on tv, how a lion kills a wildebeast' young... Ok, for food, but it is a killing anyway. And I am in shock when realizing there are people that like to watch another human being getting murdered... and I am watching this killing on Animal Planet, with a bag of chips....)

So, this demon I fear so much is me. What do I fear so much in me? Do I fear my own evilness, devilness?

Had this great idea the other night, while on chat :) I'm gonna make a picture or maybe more, or a video with me as demon - will change a photo of me into a demon - me Ingrid, the demon. With scary,scary eyes, so scary I wont dare to watch it myself :) yes, a vid, with parts of these scary movies and lots, lots of sf. Making this movie will help me transcend fear.

When I was 20 years old, in a stressful period, I felt like some evil being wanted to control me, wanted to use my eyes.  
I am quite certain I saw the demon in my mother when a child. Maybe this isn't true, but that makes no difference.  I once realised that this devil I thought she was, was me too and then I laughed aloud. But now I seemed to have forgotten what I realised back then.
My eldest sister told me something last summer and while listening to her the memory came back:
My sister came home from work and went for a reason to my room in the loft (maybe I was screaming, yes, I was screaming, she told me) I was screaming: the Devil is here, I saw the Devil. That is what I remember and my mother hiding in the shades of the hallway, she was there. I was 12, 13 something. 
The Ring, that's the other movie I was talking about, brrr, about a videotape....

Ah fuck, just watched the trailer again, had to cover my eyes and turn face away - scary as hell. Creepy sounds, but most of all: those eyes! Well, back to that site. (lol this site is maintained by people that actually believe this is all true! And there are many more that do, according to these people - there is an actual videotape lol http://www.she-is-here.com/main.html)


dvd extra: the movie of Samara (what's on the videotape people see before they die)

Desteni, DesteniiProcess, 2008 - August 10
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