I was at my sister’s this weekend and there are all these family pictures in the hall way. On my way to the bath room in the corners of my eyes I saw these glimpses of my father. At one point I stopped to examine the pictures of my Dad more closely (like I did so many times before) – I experienced a definite change in my perception of him. Though not neutral yet, I was not upset either, or something like that. I experienced myself as looking at the picture of someone I used to know but who is a stranger to me now. This was kind of odd and a new experience to me – looking at a man who used to be my God and now I was ‘empty’ = hardly any reaction.
I noticed though the immediate automated reaction of enjoying to watch him and enter ‘the wave of love’ I used to experience – I stopped that within a blink of an eye. Because of the work I did on the
mind construct of my Dad I was quick and effortless in identifying the pattern I was about to enter and to stop it.
What is left to examine on a deeper level is the sexual abuse. Last week I did allow the pictures of the event to surface and although still a bit blurry, I am satisfied with it. It is no longer a suppressed and therefor ‘unknown’ experience to me: now I am able to work with it. Step by step – I grant myself the time to take it step by step.
I am not writing this out to blame my Dad. I am not interested in that at all. I am writing to support myself to embrace the experience and all that is the outflow of it. I am not declaring myself to be a victim of sexual abuse. I am not declaring my Dad to be a perpetrator of sexual abuse. These things happen because of the fucked system we are living. I am not excusing my Dad or myself either. I am trying to see what is. I am constructing a map of what took place and all the corresponding reactions – so I can self forgive and direct myself – instead of being directed and lived by program.
Writing out
Mind Constructs is such a great support in unravelling the programming! This is a major part of the DesteniiProces courses.
Besides being participant I am also recruiter in the
Desteni-I-Process. For more information you can contact me, click on
the logo below or visit the
Desteni Website.
Thanks.
family construct, childhood, incest, child abuse, 2011
the end
