Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

Oh my, listening to this song, it hurts, really really hurts.

I am back in hospital again. The night after the birth of Dj, by a Caesarian. I was very groggy, had morphine, but most of all, so very very alone, lonely.  I wanted to run from hospital, hide in the woods, scream, but could not do either. Because of this little being, born out of me. No where to hide from the pain I felt in me, this hole, big big hole in me, black and I am in free fall. The betrayal by the father of this newborn being and me. And no one to turn to, so much deception going on, betrayal, envy.

For the first time in my life I just had to face it - no way out. I was alone and very very lonely, my heart ripped out of my body, almost literally. I wanted to die, just die. But couldn't because of this little creature I felt responsible for. Wasn't really attached to it, yet, had hardly seen him, was born just a couple of hours before and I was severely sedated. Had hallucinations that night, so I was there in this hospital bed, in this hospital room with some other 'fresh' mums, with my eyes very wide open to not sink in this frightening hallucinations. To distract me I listened to some music, headphones on. 'Hallelujah' was the song.

Hearing this song, all the pain compounded in this song - nothing has softened it. I am trembling, shivering. My lips pressed together so no sound comes out. It is dark around me. And in me this hole, big big hole, black and I am in free fall again. I need to cry now. Let it out now. Set myself free from this horror.

later I didn't manage to really face it, back then. Been ill for months, couldn't eat. Just this baby and me, in the dark. One long night for months. Some good memories, me and my son in my arms, so close, intensely :) But no space for me to cry - Dj got very upset when I did, so in the end I stopped even the crying. I stopped myself 'moving' inside, I froze - had to. I had to survive this and take care of my son. So I had to lock this intense pain somewhere in me, for later 'digesting'.

Nine and a half years later now. Didn't really 'unlock' this pain, didn't know how and I failed to see why I should. My life was over, that's what I felt for years. Now I am re-awakening myself. Ough!

What was activated, surfaced, was this deep ingrained feeling of being some sort of trash, something so not worthy you would not even want to look at. And with me, all that came out of me, this child...

And that hurted. This little creature, rejected and put aside as if he wasn't of any worth at all. And I felt so ashamed... I couldn't tell anybody. Telling someone would have made it even more true.

Why did I allow this abuse, though not physical, but nevertheless abuse, why did I allow it to happen and continue? Why didn't I end it immediately? I still do not understand completely. It must have been because deep inside I thought this was the way I should be treated? I am still so much confused. Here I am: I do like myself, thinking nice things about me, but on the other hand there it was, this  disempowering experience of being trash...