Been quite a month - movement, lots of movement, but not all directed by me, not in an aware way I mean - stuff is happening. Laptop broke down - is now back to the store, to be repaired or replaced. I've been stating last month (out of fear) that if the laptop has to break down, then please within the guarantee period. And this happened. In the last month before the guarantee period expired. So I got what I wished for. Two ways to look at it: the laptop broke down because I feared it breaking down/the laptop was meant to break down, luckely within this 1 year period. In a way this is the story of my life - not so nice things happening, but there is always a bright spot to be found = Ingrid. A survival method, a way to keep this life system bearable, more fair.
The laptop, yeah, the laptop means a lot to me - it is what in earlier days my diary meant to me - a place to be unconditionally me: to write of my stuff, to learn and study, to question me&all, to comfort me, to face me, to be at ease with me, to be alone with me. Of course there are the vids made by other beings, the Desteni forum - so not alone, but yet alone because it is up to me when. More control? Yes, so I don't have to be at guard that much.
I had to adjust, me without the laptop. Felt uncomfortable without this sanctuary. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't find a way to comfort me; so now I am sitting on the couch, the monitor of the desktop in front of me on the coffeetable, the wireless keyboard on my lap - almost like a laptop :)
So the laptop means a lifeline to me. Yet another system need.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the need for a sanctuary in order to feel protected from other peoples judgements and interference. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and feel disturbed by other peoples judgements, opinions. interference and needs. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the polarity of needing/not needing other people. I forgive myself for not accepting and not allowing myself to love and live totally and unconditionally 'my own person', out of fear to be left on my own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left on my own. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be left on my own but fearing it at the same time.
Yes, I do want to be 'left' on my own. I do not like all this interference from other people. But why am I bothered that much? Influenced that much by it? Shoot, I can't get it clear, while it is so obvious at the same tme.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get 'confused' when not really wanting to face something. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this 'me as a hermit' reality to escape from other peoples interference. I forgive myself for not accepting and not allowing myself to stand up and be me, out of fear of not being liked, out of fear of not being a 'nice, likeable person', out of fear of hurting someone and not being nice, loving, caring, while in truth I do not give a shit. Anymore.
I am not sure how valid my caring was before, but I notice a change in me lately - I do not care that much anymore about other people's misery. I still act somewhat like I do, but no - I don't give a damn. So this picture of me is outdated lol.
Have to take this in - me not caring.