As transcribed and typed by Benazir Bhutto through the interdimensional portal
Date : 30/12/2007
Within realising that all that currently exist within this existence is ALL THERE IS, that ALL THERE IS, is what we have been, become and are as what we currently experience within ourselves and within this existence: I realised that one tends to want to, when really looking at the current situation – judge oneself for what we have done, become and currently are.
Certainly this process opens up all sorts of realizations of what we have done, become and are within ourselves and one most certainly do not particularly want to face it, because it seems so ‘bad’, ‘wrong’, ‘too much to handle’ – I most certainly understand the words: Truth Hurts!
Though, as I am here now, I’m looking at the words ‘Truth Hurts’ – in sound it’s: The Truth is Heard.
I myself, am currently in the process of actually realising all that I am responsible for within this world through my own actions and words as that of me which permeated and infiltrated this existence as me – which was supporting the illusion within which we currently exist and have accepted and allowed ourselves to be as the definition of who we are.
And I must face the truth of me – the truth of me being all that I have done, become and are within this existence through ‘playing my part in supporting the illusion’ – I must finally stop trying to run away, hide from myself – herein also quite an interesting observation because one cannot run away or hide from oneself, because self here as who I am is always here!
I’m always with me as me as who I am here!
And the truth of self, facing self, I experienced, is tough and it is difficult and there is much one endure – because the process of taking self responsibility for all that one has accepted and allowed takes courage, and much of it – this is certain.
I have to give me an opportunity to start over so to speak. Starting over from the perspective of giving myself a starting point within me from which I am able to start this process of finally facing my truth.
There has been a moment where I hoped that someone can or could say to me: ‘It is alright, you’re not a mistake, you’re not a bad person, you don’t have to be concerned or worried’ – and then in this, giving me the courage and a ‘it’s okay signal’ for all that I have done, become and are which will present some form of comfort from which I am able to start / begin this process – understanding from someone. Someone to be here with me…
Yet, unfortunately, this is but another method of manipulation actually I realised – the ‘self pity’ and ‘self remorse’ pit which one tends to want to fall into, for someone to feel sorry for you and then help you in such a way. How many experience this – falling into the pit of self pity and self remorse?
I realised that I would only fall into the pit of self pity because of self judgement of me because of fear of the truth of me as what I have been, become and are.
Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.
I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.
So, I had a look at this ‘hope’ of wanting to receive consolidation from another – I took a deep breath and I said: I have to do this for myself, because if I don’t actually take this step for me, within me – how will I ever understand what it means to take self responsibility for me?
So I discarded the hope of waiting and hoping and wanting another to comfort me – I had to, because this is one of the primary methods I used – allowing fear of me, then judging me, then pitying me – and so I just stopped.
The experience of having to stop is that of removing an inherent addiction within self, is what I have experienced. Because as I let go of this ‘self pity’ acceptance within me – the fear of letting go become much greater, encompassing the entirety of my being, but I pushed – as though I was a pregnant woman giving birth to a child. I literally screamed, I yelled to the point where all I could hear was my own voice as I literally had to push through this fear of letting go of and releasing the addiction to the acceptance of self pity.
There is a moment where I lost me in and as the fear, though yet even though within this momentary lostness, I was still very much aware I realised – because I just continued to push and did not stop.
It seemed never-ending for a moment also – but when it was done: I LAUGHED!
Because everything just stopped suddenly – I was empty within me, I was clear within me – I was still just here (though without the ‘wanting to fall into the pit of self pity experience). Really, everything just stopped.
The laugh was because of the absolute ridiculousness of the situation, of the experience.
Because I in this moment actually understood how ‘real’ an experience we’re able to make of an illusion – because ‘self pity’, ‘fear of me’ and ‘self judgment’ are all but only illusions which I accepted and allowed to be me – in this definition of it being me, I made it real, which then transformed the experience I had of ‘self pity’, ‘fear of me’ and ‘self judgment’ as being real – WHEN IT IS NOT!
What I realised is illusion and what is real is when I experienced this moment of releasing the addiction of self pity, fear of me and self judgment – because as I pushed through it, it all disappeared and is no more here – though what I experienced as me when everything stopped: This is ‘real’ – where nothing exists but me.
And here I discovered the gift of self forgiveness.
Self forgiveness assists and supports me to not accept and allow me to judge me.
I experience self forgiveness as a statement of me, of who I am and it’s quite an exhilarating experience because I am finally giving me the opportunity to take self responsibility for me.
One tends to fall into the trap of self judgment so easily because we in some way believe / think we deserve this experience we’re currently having of ourselves within ourselves within this existence as ourselves because of what we’ve done, become and are: I could not believe that I myself actually bought into the belief within me that I deserve what I’m experiencing within me!
But I served what I experienced within me to myself - in accepting and allowing me to judge me – I am trapped into the cycle of the illusion, which I then experience as me, as actually being real and then I have to go through such an experience as what I have just shared, to understand and realise that that which I defined as me of the illusion is not who I am, but I made it real through making it part of me by allowing and accepting me to participate in it.
So I’ve realised that when I apply self forgiveness: I in this moment make a statement of me as to not accept and allow me to participate in the illusion – distinguish for myself what is illusion and from here stand up within me and just not make it part of me by participating in it.
And so self forgiveness assist and supports me to remain stable and clear here: Me with Me – and whenever I notice / find an connection of illusion within me: I apply self forgiveness immediately.
And so, through applying self forgiveness I ensure that I do not accept and allow me to participate in the illusion / make it part of me – but in the moment of applying self forgiveness make a statement for me of who I am.
Oh and how I have found that in moment’s where I so almost just want to allow the illusion within me, so as to not have to apply self forgiveness, stand up within me and take self responsibility for me = because it seems so much easier and simpler to ‘just allow it’ or to ‘just let it pass’ than having to apply the self discipline to stop participation in the illusion in such a moment.
I discovered many such moments so far within my process.
Yet the most frightening of it all is that I am so very much aware of such moments where I see the illusion within me of me and I so almost want to just not stop it, to in some way ‘turn a blind eye’ as though I did not see it.
But I realised I cannot do it – I cannot just allow and accept it to continue, because I am aware that I am allowing and accepting it and I am also very much aware of the consequences involved if I were to accept and allow such a moment to just ‘pass by’.
So it’s quite an forceful effort where you in awareness have to and must apply yourself diligently and specifically in every moment when you notice/see/realise an illusion connection within you. Because we have for so long just simply accepted and allowed the illusion to continue within us and this existence = which we are no longer able to use and excuse.
I enjoy self forgiveness.
And I particularly enjoy when I catch such moments where I’ve almost wanted to ‘just let it go’ / ‘just let pass’ because I know within the certainty of me that I am just not able to allow and accept it to continue within me – and so I will stop participation in the illusion in every moment: Because this is actually me taking self responsibility for me.
Being alone with me, realising my self responsibility towards me is really assisting and supporting me within this process – because I have no ‘relationship connection’ to anything or anyone: I am here with me as me.
There is nothing and no-one I fear losing, because I within me as me have realised and understood that I am not able to actually really lose me – I am always with me, myself here.
Thus, in not fearing to lose anyone or anything – I experience a freedom within me, within this process, within which I will push and force me to whatever lengths necessary in every moment to not accept or allow the illusion, and I would suggest for you to consider the same.
Because then you will move you, no matter what.
Then you will direct you no matter what.
Then you will force you and push you no matter what.
The freedom of self responsibility.
This is my experience of me currently within this process.