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I was talking to my neighbour and her little 2 year old son was playing in the front garden. At one moment he threw a little rock at me, having fun while doing that. His mom told him not to do that and then forced him to go to me and apologize to me.
I froze. I saw this little kid not wanting to go to me, not wanting to say 'sorry' and I didn't want him to do that either. Why should he? He didn't know that this was 'wrong', throwing something at me - he was laughing, having fun, not aware of any 'wrong doing'. he did not experience any 'sorry' at all.
I wished for him to be explained why he'd better not throw rocks because he could have hurt me. No apologies! He wasn't sorry at all!
What I felt was that I didn't want her to 'humiliate' me and this kid, by forcing him and me to live by her stupid rules. I wanted to stand up and stop it, but I didn't because I didn't know how. And why didn't I know how to stop it? I could simply have said 'stop', but I was thinking I had to explain why and atm I couldn't.
My neighbour is a schoolteacher and that's how she is training her kid too. She is acting like she knows how it should be done, never questioning this rules of 'how to raise a kid'. Like she is 'domesticating' her kid, you know, training him, learning him trics how to behave socialized.
Yes, I can see I am this little kid. The look on his face was me looking in some kind of despair, tricked into 'behaviour', forced to behave in a certain manner and wanting to escape, resisting but not powerful enough to stand up against his mom.
Whenever again forced in such a situation I will stop it, I will stop participating, I will not be forced to participate in such violent suppression of another being or myself. If I am able to explain clearly why, I will, if not I wont. Simple.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel forced to participate in suppression of another being, tall or small, human or animal - I will stop and stand up, saying aloud 'stop', nomatter what.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated because of feeling forced into this situation, feeling humiliated as this kid, being this kid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience hate for 'grown ups' and their stupid, hypocritic rules. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for her stupid hypocritical behaviour towards me, herself, all other beings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother and disgust her because she forced me to apologize, to lie, to betray myself, to be hypocritical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel despair and horror because of my mother forcing me to do things I didn't want to do or say or show, to force me to act like someone I was not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience hate and disgust for myself because of being a 'grown up' and a mother, forcing D. to do and say things he didn't want to because he didn't 'feel' that way. I did that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because of in the past once or twice forcing D to apologize when he did not feel sorry at all, just because I felt we should live by these stupid, hypocritical social rules - to not be outcasts. Because I thought I knew how to 'raise a kid' = live by my rules.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume I know 'better' or more because I am 52 and D 9 years old. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be one and equal with D because I am his mother and feeling responsable for his actions in this world. Because people will say it is my fault when D 'misbehaves', will say I am a lousy mother. lol, cool :)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know how to be one&equal with D because of me being his mom.
