02 September 2008

What to do?

yes, got to write about it - this thing going on with Dj is getting 'over my head' - that's what I experience. It is out of my control and that freaks me out. I do not know what to do about it. Or I feel I should know what to do about it. Or I feel I should do something about it. I am not doing enough. I am not effective in what I am doing. I am doing nothing. I am doing too much (no). I fear what is happening with Dj. I can't deal with it like I use to deal with me. 
yes, this is the 'wasp's nest' of my mind showing. 

How to effectively support myself in this? How to be effective in supporting Dj in this?
What is common sense in this?

I am in fear of letting him down, of not assisting him effectively. Of not being able to do that. Of lacking the ability of supporting him.

Relax. First of all: stop running and panicking. Stop, sit, relax. And face what is here.

Breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold. 
I've placed myself in this 'bench vise' with this mindconstruct, very tight. Not able to do anything but looping in the same thoughts, feelings, emotions about the situation.

What is  this 'situation'?

Dj having physical and emotional symptoms like nausea, belly hurting, back aching and last week and yesterday some new symptom came up: him not able to see clearly, all is blurry. He couldn't walk to school because he couldn't see where he was going - bumping into fences. This lasted for hours. And last night this started happening again and now he felt himself being unconscious for a second or two, over and over again. I watched him and noticed his eyes being half closed - him not being here. Bit scary. Had to stop these images coming up in my mind of Dj having a brain tumor.
I do not know why he has these symptoms. Dj doesn't know either. He is still scared of this monster lurking behind his eyes. Sometimes he actually sees this monster outside of him, manifested. The voices are gone for the most part.
He hates school - it is boring he sais, but I feel there must be more to it.
I wished I could keep him home, but that's not possible because of the law. He MUST attend school. And home schooling, well, not allowed. Must ask special permission and go through alot of aplication forms etc and then maybe, maybe you are allowed to home school your kid. It takes alot of 'playing the system'. The only allowed reason for homeschooling is a religious one - you must be very specific and know the rules of the game, what to say and what not.
There is one school I would like him to attend, the 'Iederwijs' school, where they let the kids decide for themselves when and what they want to 'learn' or better 'study'. But very expensive and we should move there (is in another town) No money.

Is homeschooling an option for real? If we would be allowed, what would it be like? He still has to learn the things specified by the government - they will watch us. We would have to satisfy this inspector of education. 
Dj would be home all day - geez, I'm not sure I could cope with that.
I'm not sure Dj could cope with that, being around me all day. 

I feel Dj is in a way not feeling safe, secure, in school environment. He himself is not able to express in words what he is experiencing.
Couple of weeks ago he started these 'massage' sessions - some special rhythmic massage for kids, to help him to be here, in his body. To be aware. At first he didn't like it that much - he even got more 'adhd'. (Afterwards I sit next to him and read him a story, to let him relax a little bit more. Well, he couldn't lie still for one moment, jumping all around the room. Because this pain in his belly was getting worse and by 'jumping all around' he expressed this hurt, or suppressed it. That's what it means, I found out by asking) So we'll continue the visits to the physiotherapist, it seems to be working. Now Dj even likes to have a massage with oil lol he hated that at first because it tickled too much.

He will be tested for ADHD, PDDNOS and so on stuff in a couple of weeks. Why? Because when tested and diagnosed we will be able to get money for 'treatment' (and I am allowed to choose, cool) Maybe even get permission for homeschooling. If not, there are more options for him to get different kinds of schooling, or in current school. He will be tested in a 'special' center, not the regular one from government. These people are able to see Dj, and not just an abnormality behaviour. All within the system, I know. What I am trying to do is 'playing the system' - going along to get what I want. 

I should trust myself, not others, in this. But I feel helpless in this because no no no, I just do not want to take or have the responsibity for Dj's situation. I want others to tell me what to do. I want others to have this responsibilty, to take the blame for everything that's wrong or will be wrong or whatever. I want to hide. i do not want all this trouble. i do not want to face this shit - Dj's shit=my shit. This mother-child weaving, not knowing what is me, what is Dj. What a mess!
I see clearly what is me and what is Dj, where I let Dj sort out his shit, where I have to sort out my shit.
I trust me in this to know what to do, when to do it, when to do not. I trust me to know when and what to do not, to not act, but sit back and relax and assist him when necessary, with action/words/touch.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me for feeling inadequate and not able to support and assist Dj effectively. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to feel inadequate to support and assist myself effectively in this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to place others above me and this way trying to avoid my responsibility.

Ah, in this I wished my mom was still alive, to take over the responsibilty and make everything 'go away' - to feel safe and secure in this world by hiding behind her.
Is this what I want Dj to experience as well? Is this where I feel I fail? To make all trouble disappear, for Dj to be happy and safe, having a nice childhood? For him not to have to face this shit because he is just a kid, 9 years of age? Because I am still just a kid, 52 years of age? Because i do not want me to face the shit of me in this world, plus the shit of Dj in this world?

I face this shit, all shit in my world, including Dj's shit - because he is in my world. But I will not take Dj's shit from him, I will allow him to face his own shit, I will allow me to allow Dj to face his own shit. Geez! Mother matrix! Wanting to protect my child from harm and shit, wanting him to be happy and fortunate in his life. 
"never give up on yourself
let go yes
but never give up on yourself as life
because at the moment of giving up--the answer is here--it takes just the few steps beyond giving up
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