06 September 2008

2008 Dj's father called #2

Dj told me his father called this morning and that he will call back because he wanted to speak to me. OK, this is not an every day situation and I am still a bit uncomfortable and reacting.

Primairy one: just leave us alone

Second: well, maybe Dj wants to meet him. So I asked Dj and he sais 'no'. Ok, very clear.

Third one: Maybe he misses us, me and Dj. And automatically (program) I feel I should 'honor' that. (lol holding my breath 'till it's done - suffocating myself to be 'caring' and 'loving' to another being, especially this one)

Another part of third reaction is some kind of satisfaction because he misses us - after 9 years he finally realised what he has 'thrown away' so easily. Well, that's good news, but to be blunt - I am not that interested anymore. Go and fight your own battle in this.

Reaction 4: Well I tell him we are not interested, bluntly. Some satisfaction in that. BUT: maybe I shouldn't do that - maybe we (me or Dj) will need something from him later on. (Being political about it) Maybe he should come over for an hour, not the whole afternoon, just an hour. So Dj can meet him and talk a bit with his 'father'. And for me, well, this way there is still a possibility to contact him. Maybe I still need something from him. Compromising.

Sooooooooooo, on one hand I am done with this guy, on the other hand maybe I am not. (Not talking about what it means for Dj, that's another part of the story)

LOL I stop this

I will see what happens when he calls (if he calls back)
Just remember to be in breath - not suffocate myself.

Oooh, what is Djs 'best interest' in this? I'm not sure. Last year Dj met his father, all well, we had a 'nice' afternoon the three of us, all though afterwards I was exhausted and my whole body starting aching - I hardly made it home, couldn't walk properly: my legs were hurting a lot. An immense release of what I kept suppressed all those years)
Dj felt no need to meet him again (and today he tells me the same).

AAAAAAAAAAAAh, yes, I see, it is my starting point in this. I see more than one. What is the self-honest one? What is common sense in this? Obviously Dj and me both have no desire to be with his father. So why should we? How will I direct me in this? Still confused, not really clear. Got to do some sf first.

will continue later - I see I am giving my power away

Desteni, DesteniiProcess, Family Construct, family, mother, children,  2008, September 6
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