22 September 2008


One of my neighbours died and I went to the memorial yesterday. I've known her when we were younger, but had no real contact with her anymore, except from what I've heard about her from a mutual friend. She has been ill for ages, over 10 years, with cancer. First brests, later on spread all over her body. And finally last tuesdaynight, she died.

So I went to 'pay my respect'. I didn't want to see her dead body, but it did just happen: I walked in and there she was. I do not particularly like watching dead people - they are so much dead, no more there. Besides that, there is difference in how dead humans look and how dead animal look. Probably because there is something done with dead human bodies by the undertaker. But probably I would be very shocked when I would see a dead human body in my backgarden, much more than when I see a dead mouse.

I watched my father when he had just died half an hour before. And this was so much more 'natural' - still warm, not stiff. I am glad I saw him that way. Couple of days later, in his coffin, no, that wasn't a very nice sight - this body was just a thing, maybe not even a body anymore, not even a doll, more of a wax statue.
And Rosemay looked the same in her coffin, a wax statue. I actually do not like coffins. Why do we put our dead ones in these coffins? With silk and flowers and stuff, no that's not what I want for me. On the other hand, it isn't about me when dead - it is about the people that cared for me and they can decide how they want to do it, 'pay respect' or whatever. I would like to be burried though, not cremated. My body could feed the earth. But actually, it doesn't matter.

So I looked at what has been Rosemary and now just an empty body. For a moment I allowed my 'old very good in imagening personality' and got a bit spooked (aaah what if she suddenly opens her eyes) but corrected myself immediately. I directed me to see what was there - a dead body of a human I know.

Went home and later in bed, this image of her face, a bit swollen but what they call 'in peace' (hahaha she didn't have any wrinkles anymore) Her daughter had put some makeup on her face - lipstick, eyeliner, but she was still dead, as dead as someone can be.

Her death confronts us all with the inevitability of our own deads - especially we, the ones of her age. Tuesday night I watched the ambulance, very bright light through the window - lol I first thought: mwaaaah, aliens! - and then I realised she had died. I was effected by it. Maybe next time the ambulance will be here for me. Could be. I will die, sooner or later. And then this body will grow cold and stiff and wax. Then I will be showed off. AAAAAAAh, yes, that's bothering me. The thought of my body laying there, so vulnerable - everybody can do as they please with it! No no no I do not like that! LOL
But actually saying these things like they will come for me some day, yeah, it assisted me in being here in a way - not running from the fear of dying - but facing it as much as I was able to at that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with helplessnes and feeling vulnerable by the image of my dead body in a coffin, displayed for everyone to watch and say all these stupid, empty words. That I wont be there to keep me safe lol haha from what? This is about control - even when I am dead I want to be in control. And I wont have any control whatsoever lol If they want to dress me up in a clownsuit, with an orange wick and these silly oversized shoes, well, I wont have anything to say about it. But I think it's a great idea though! Me as a dead clown in a coffin LOLOL

Why not naked in a coffin? Yes, I would like that. And not a coffin from wood, but some material that's taking in by the earth. Just rapped up in sheet maybe.

Ah well - it's ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to want to control and be in control even when I'm dead and gone.

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