28 September 2008

Comment on 'Suicide' and me reacting

Someone commented on the Dutch subtitled Desteni vid 'Suicide and the practical consequenses' and I reacted strongly.
This is the comment (translated):

This is 100% truth :( It's just now I've heard you experience the same in the dimensions, only 10 times worse... I am totally lost on what to do... live, commit suicide... help me :(

I particurlaly react strongly on the 'help me' part, makes me wanna vomit... Yes of course there is a story attached to it :) I feel resistance to even think about it, although I did some 'working' on it. What I concluded then was that I will never ever again participate in 'suicide' talk or acting - nobody will ever get me to even consider listening/hearing/assisting/ in this suicide bullshit again. Go and do it, I do not really care. Take your shit and hang yourself if it pleases you.

That's a much more 'liveable' attitude towards 'suicidal people' as what I used to experience when faced with it. Now I just refuse to face it. No, that's not true - I am just more 'neutral' than before - no wish to save this person. Or maybe I do still have this wish... I don't know yet. One thing is for sure - I do not want to be bothered.

O shoot, I see I really have to push myself in this one, buuurgh...

I answered:
Jij hebt, net als ieder mens, nog nooit 'geleefd' - dus ik stel voor dat je begint te onderzoeken wie je werkelijk bent, wat leven als wie je werkelijk bent, is. Op het Desteni forum (Engelstalig) ondersteunen en assisteren we onszelf en elkaar in dit proces. Op de Nederlandstalige site zijn al veel vertaalde artikelen te lezen - een Nederlands forum is in de maak. Neem de verantwoordelijkheid voor jezelf en begin.

Like anyone else, you haven't 'lived' yet - so I suggest you start investigating who you really are, what 'living as who you really are' means.
On the Desteni Forum (English) we assist and support ourselves and each other in this process. On the Dutch site there are many translated articles to read - a Dutch forum will be opened. Take the responsibility for yourself and start.

Ok, it isn't about the answer, I realise that. It is about me reacting. At first I thought I couldn't answer because of the wrong starting point in this, but now I see these are two different things. I used common sense in answering. It is clear to me that I wont allow myself to 'fall in the trap' of compassion and empathy in order to define myself as 'good, caring person' - while in fact I do not care that much if this person kills himself or not - I do not feel responsible for his/hers actions.

But I did want to respond with common sense in order to assist him/her as me. So I did.

Another chapter is me reacting so strongly. Got nothing to do with this person, but everything with what I've accepted and allowed myself to be identified with: the compassion/empathy, the need to 'save', the fear for the emotional pain for me and the other person, the belief that 'life is sacred and shouldn't be messed with', the belief that I am the one that has to take in all the suffering of the world, the belief I am able (or deserving/punishing myself) to take in all this suffering in order to let other beings live their lifes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am quilty of all the suffering in the world, that I should take in all the suffering, that I am not allowed to be happy when other beings suffer, that I should feel their pain too. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it would make a difference when I was suffering their pain too - that their pain would be less or disappear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse me so extensively - why did I do that? What was in it for me?

To be more specific: what was in it for me to feel the pain J was suffering from when he told me he was going to kill himself? For starters, I would have felt awfull if I would not have had any feelings at all - I would have defined me as an indifferent person - the ones I fear and hate the most.
So when not allowing myself to feel compassion/empathy I define me as a indifferent person? No, not any more. Now I see myself as 'common sense' in this - not allowing me to take responsibility for the suffering of another person. I am responsable for me participating in the mind and with doing so I am contributing to the suffering of all and everything. That's my responsibility. I am responsable for me abusing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to define me as an indifferent person when not feeling compassion for the suffering of another person. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear and disgust for 'indifference', defining love, care, compassion,empathy, altruism as very 'good' and indifference as very 'bad' - indifference as the cause of all the suffering of this world, a Devils work. And love, care, altruism, compassion as from God.

I fear indifference. Why? Because when indifferent to the suffering of other beings I would be able to do the most horrifying things to another being. So I could not allow indifference in me. 

hmm, I can't get over the indifferent part, yet. By labeling it as 'bad' I am not allowing myself to free myself of this judgement. Indifference is. Me judging it ain't going to let it disappear from the world, aaah what a mindfuck, I'm just scared - scared of a state of mind, fear of hell. Creating hell by labeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge 'indifference' and within doing so validating 'indifference', even creating 'indifference'.

Nope, I still want it to disappear. Still labeling it. Still giving it value. I still can't accept and allow indifference in my world, in me. 

Indifferent beings = cold robotlike beings = no warmth, no empathy, no compassion. Polarity. So by sticking with love, warmth, empathy etc I am creating indifference, coldness, cruelty, abuse. By sticking with indifference I would create love, warmth etc. In truth love and compassion  is just another way of  indifference, indifference to me, to me as a being - ignoring and supressing me, abusing me. So neither indifference, nor compassion are the way to go - I realise that. So I quit totally participating in both sides of this polarity and see what will be revealed. Quitting the polarity means love/compassion will stop, indifference will stop - so what's left to fear lol
In fact this is what is happening for awhile already and what is revealed to me so far is my responsability towards myself more and more and a more stable, firm standing in myself, for me as a 'till here no further'. More practical, more common sense, cool.

I'll have some more writing to do about J - some extensive writing as he was part of my life for many many years and still is, though not in the flesh, but in my mind, reactions. Will continue later when this will knock on my door.

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