13 November 2008

Fearing the Living Dead - me

I am trying to communicate through mail with some New Agers - bwaaaaah!

I got this invitation in my mailbox to join this 'send positive energy' event. Well, this time I responded. By telling them I wouldn't join because of the polarity construct and therefore it would be just contributing to even more negativity.

So far only two people reacted. (Typical - do people even read comments from other people?) The people that did react argumented in the obvious way: 'We must do something' 'I don't believe positive intention causes negative intention' 'Love will help the negative people' etc. etc. This New Age thing is as dogmatic as Christianity. I was a New Ager I think, more or less. With a respectfulness and friendliness that is killing :)

But that's not the point. It is me reacting. I am not 'clean' in my communication with them.

At first I didn't want to respond at all - like I always do (well, almost always) because that's the convenient way for me. I am used to 'do my thing on my own' and I do not want to be bothered by people that do not understand and disagree because of it. So I hardly ever go for that (unless I am in a 'discussion mood' but that's entirely mind entertainment). It's ok for me to challenge myself to not avoid these kinds of conversations. To see if I change. Yes, I change.

Kind of hidden is there my ego that wants to be right. I want these people to 'see my Light' lol and if they disagree, well, I react with some kind of feeling of, well, I get a bit tired, I get a bit upset because of their obvious 'stupidity', I get a bit aggressive. I am not overwhelmed by my reactions, but they are there - not that strong, but still affecting me.

What would I want, how will I direct myself?

Stop responding to their responds? I feel that when I go on with showing them common sense (that's how I perceive my stand in this) they will react not so nice and respectfull in the end. Well, does that bother me? No, not really - but I still have this slight movement in me when considering it. Am I willing to 'stand alone', some kind of outcast? Yes, no problem with that but I still want them to like me. So I want to be a nice pain in the ass LOL so they wont beat me up, or kill me.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being killed or beaten up/ignored or excluded when taking my stand in a brutal, honest, direct way. I forgive myself for connecting fear with being killed/beaten up/being ignored/being excluded.

Well, in fact I was straight forward in my responses - but had to add a nice smiley, in order to show the person I was a nice person, able to see that what I was saying is my truth, not necessary the truth (although I am quite sure my truth is more truth LOL). So yes, I was acting respectful, sooooo new age :) Startingpoint was: like me, like me, don't shoot me, don't kill me! Dishonesty, deceit, betrayal towards me and the other people, this is. I am not respectfull at all, just scared to be an outcast in plain sight - a witch to be burnt to the stake by the mob. Yeah, that scares me alot - the mob that lynches individuals. So it is obvious to not get my head chopped of I should not stand up in public, not too radical anyway - only with some sauce of kindness. So that's my starting point in this, out of fear being kind and showing respect. While in fact I do not experience that much respect at all! I feel irritated and frustrated because of their lack of 'intelligence', their lack of 'bravoury' to step out of the safety of the herd, their fear of being an outcast! Wow, this is so funny! I am irritated with them because of my own fears LOL

Lots of SF points. Probably because of my age (?) lots of these dishonesties are very well hidden in me. In order to be able to go on living and participating in this world I've found many tricks to be an outcast but still an appreciated part of social life. Well, that's art too hahaha. And maybe not that bad when my starting point in this is of selfhonesty - clean and clear to me. I still think I am a nice, caring human being, with a skill to be straightforward, saying, acting from my own starting point and still stay in touch with the other beings. I'll have to investigate this further. I will observe myself.

    Caring only happens when there is no scare or scar

I forgive myself for allowing myself wanting to be 'right', because when not 'being right', when other people do not acknowledge me being right, then I feel 'less', of less value, in stead of realising that 'me being right' is not who I really am, but a mind construct.

Nothing happens when I am not right, nothing at all - it is just an outward thingy, just the picture of me that I want to present in the outer world that could get damaged. No control, which I do not have anyway because people look at me from their point of view, their mindconstruct. I've been judged 'too serious' and judged 'too shallow' - well, that's what these people thought me to be, from within their mindset. So why bother what people judge me for??? It's is never about me, as what I see them to be, is never about them. The 'good qualities' neither.

Come to think of it - in general I do not care that much about what people might think of me - yes, it still crosses my mind but I do not allow me to be affected. People closer to me, I still mind what they think of me - have to be more 'on guard' of not slipping in/out of selfjudgment, that is: the obvious selfjudgment movements (I know on a deeper level, there must be more selfjudgment and critism I am not aware of yet. I will deal with that when it reveals itself, with or without my help)

So yes, it is all about 'self image'. And trying to control it. And the ridiculeness of that :) The world as a mirror.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to act like I am respectful while in truth I am not respectful and in truth I do not give a shit about respect for others opinions or truths - all I want is for them is to listen to me and acknowledge my truth as the truth and respect me (and not shoot me, kill me, beat me.

Yes, quite an Anu I am lol - I am the boss, I know it all and you sheep must listen to me and apply yourself to my image LOLOL I am God - worship me! This is so funny, me being god, no, God hahaha. And I am so capable of hiding my true intentions behind these words of respect, these acts of 'respect' (= yeah, of course you are entitled to your opinion, your truth, and no, I am not trying to convince you, how could I? We should all live in peace with each other etc Oh my god, am I secretly still this newager? love and peace and respect whoaoaoaoaoa all we need is love and understanding tralalala)

So, there is fear in me of being killed (literally by being lynched or by being excluded to the point that I wont survive) and there is this Anu like Ingrid that thinks herself to be wise and knowing the truth, and should be in charge (because then she will be safe).

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being excluded by the human race to the point that I will not survive. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define being part of society (humanity) as the only way to survive.

Yes, I could survive living on my own in the mountains - still a part of humanity of course, but not participating in society, yes, I would survive. So no need for fear, no need to fear being not a part of - but that's not the same as 'being excluded': I fear the act of the exclusion, yes, that's it. The picture of all these faces going dumb&numb, not willing to see me, like I am dead - like I am dead to them, while in fact I see them as dead because of their faces, their lack of expression. Shoot, there it is again.

When I was about 18 I was in this therapeutic group sessions. One time we did some kind of hmm, what's the word in English? Well, we sat with our eyes closed and this man telling a story. "You are in a garden - what does it look like etc etc then: in the back of the garden is a door in the wall, open this door, what is behind it?"

I was in a desert, with those dry bushes (shoot, I must have written this before - it all sounds so familiar. This happens to me very often lately - this feeling that is all so familiar, that I must have written this before. LOL Could very well be the case. Or maybe it is so familiar, because it is all familiar, continiously repeating myself - a real mind job, not that unique, repeating the same over and over again, in all variations, but at some point, the mind runs out of variations and then the stuff starts to sound sooo familiar. Anyway, who cares if I wrote this before, I will write again 'till it's deleted for real:) Ok, so I was in this desert, abandoned, a dry wind blowing, I can't remember how and what I was experiencing at that moment. I do not like dry barren places - I like green, juicy. At a certain moment people were approaching - I did hide myself behind some  prickle bushes, so I was scared or just cautious. They came closer and then I could see them - they were all lifeless, without any expression on their faces or in their body movements - their eyes were cold and these beings scared the shit out of me! I was soooo scared, I panicked.

Shit, I notice the resemblance with me being scared that much out in the world on my own, without the walls of my home as safe haven, to guard my back. The world being the desert and perceiving other people, no, I am afraid other people might be lifeless, cold, so I have to talk to them to assure myself they aren't that cold. That's why I need to have someone with me to keep me safe, or I need to talk to strangers, reassure myself they aren't like these cold monsters who is a cold monster, why am I that scared of cold monsters, lifeless zombies. And D., he is sooooo scared of his monster - is this like my monstrous beings? shit I've had it with this fear, sucking all the life out of me

Ooops, 'this fear is sucking the life out of me'... am I this lifeless monster myself? Just watching in the mirror. I am shaking inside now. hiding myself in confusion.


I forgive myself for allowing myself to get confused in order not to have to face this fear of cold, lifeless people, instead of realizing this is my mind trying to save itself by taking control of me.
I forgive myself for allowing me to identify me with my mind as confusion in order not to face me as fear for cold, lifeless people, separating me from this fear, placing it outside of me and then let it mirror itself back to me like I am out of control of it, like I am not the creator of this fear, like I am not responsible for this fear, like it is happening to me, not by me.

I am able to withdraw me from here, playing dead, when in a situation I do not know how to deal with, or not willing to deal with because of the consequences. I have seen D doing this, disassociating from his body to the extent that he was watching his body from the outside. I remember having the same experience myself, withdrawing from my body, looking down on myself in absolute hatred. And once woke up in the city, not knowing how I got there. This experience convinced me I should stay on guard all the time - I didn't want to experience such a shock again. So who is the real zombie here lol

D, my kid, sure is showing me alot of myself. Aaah now I feel the need to add something like 'But ofcourse he is here for himself' I do not want anyone to think (especially me myself) I am that self centered lol but I am of course, I am that self centered. And I am starting to like myself more and more. I like this experience of 'standing in my body' - I do not know how to describe it, but it feels simple, straight, powerfull.

Quite cool to re-read this post - how I started with this new age deceit in me and got to the point of fearing the living dead, all connected by the same fear - the fear of me.
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