The torturer and tortured

Last week, early in the morning, just woken up, I saw for a moment very clear what I've been doing to myself for all those years. I had this clear picture of myself with a whip in my hand, furious, whipping another picture of me - the crippled one, the spastic one. And yes, this is what I have been doing to me, as me - I am both: the torturer and the tortured, the perpetrator and the victim. Of course - I already knew this, knowledge, but now I got a glimpse of what is actually going on in me. The selfjudgment, the selfaccusing, the selfcomparing, the self criticism -being so hard on myself, all the time - bootcamp.

My tree of life showed it to me in the interview, but it took me awhile to actually see this for myself.

The 'fun' part of it is that I can actually see myself 'soften' up, in my actions, application, that's cool. I do care less and less about my presentation outwards. But still much to 'uncover', much to investigate, see and apply. I am so used to this attitude towards myself. I've always been so empathic and forgiving and accomodating, supportive for and towards others, but so very hard on myself.

Tree of Life interview - 12 nov 2007

Hello Ingrid, my name is Liam and I am your tree of life within you as one as equal with you and I am assisting and supporting you within this process of birthing ourselves as life from the physical.

Ingrid, I'm here specifically to communicate about your calfs. Because your calfs are under entensive pressure. Now what I mean by extensive pressure is that your main prominent system placement within you that is causing a hindrance and influence in the expression and experience of yourself, exist in both your calfs - left and right leg.

Now the calfs represent self judgment, self critism, self comparison. Those three specific placements is specific manifested in the calfs of a human physical body.

Ingrid, within yourself you have to look at self judgment, self criticism and self comparison.

In other words:
observe yourself within your mind during your day to day applications and participations in this world. You have to observe your thoughts from the perspective of looking where you're allowing yourself to judge yourself according to the comparison of yourself with other human beings within the presence of yourself in your world.

And then self criticism - where are you too hard on yourself, where are you to forceful with yourself. Especially in this process, because till a certain extent you are taking it very easy, but the self judgment, the self criticism, self comparison is still existing within you as you and that's kind of causing like a glass placement in the center of your being and it's like you have this... you can see the answer but it's like you can't get to it. It's like you can see and experience the answer before you but you are not the experience of yourself yet in every single moment. It's like there is something inside you and you almost know what the experience there of is, but the self criticism, the self judgment and the self comparison is not allowing you to accept yourself as the experience of yourself, the expression of yourself in every moment as every breath.

You know, always finding for that something that just doesn't feel right. There's something missing which leaves you with an empty spacy experience of yourself.

That experience of the empty spacy experience of yourself is caused by the self judgment, self criticism, self comparison with yourself and also with other human beings in your world.

So I would suggest you start on the calfs points of your human physical body - have a look, observe yourself intensely and specifically in every moment of every breath during the day. Look at your thoughts where you are hard on yourself, where you are judging yourself, where you are comparing yourself to others and where you are very very selfcritical towards yourself. Which is not necessary.

Ingrid, this is a process for you to enjoy, as yourself in every moment. It is not a bootcamp or anything from that perspective. So you have fun with yourself in every moment. When a thought or emotions or feelings come up, you laugh with yourself, you say: "nonono - this is not who I am, I do not accept this" - thus you stand up, you apply self forgiveness.

So lets enjoy ourselves in this process though there are much changes ahead. And changes may seem difficult or hard to go through, but they're not. Well, during it, you know, it is difficult and hard, but after you get through it, through your process of self forgiveness, you'll be able to look back and see: Now I see and understand and realise why I had experienced this and for what purpose and you'll realise the flowering and the opening of yourself, developed as the expression of who you are in every moment.