Puke–puking–puked

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esterday I overslept, a couple of hours; I had this party the night before. I woke up feeling nauseous and with this pain in my muscles – at the back of my neck, right side of my face and right eye. During the day the pain and nausea worsened. I am familiar with this pain (and the nausea when the pain is worse) – this usually happens when I sleep too many hours in, I guess, the same position. I’m not sure of that, but it seems logical to me, because if I would ‘tosh and turn’ in my sleep there wouldn’t be a strain on the same muscles all the time.

Didn’t do much the rest of the day. Made some soup for Dj and ate some myself, reluctantly. Went to bed to see if the pain would decrease doing some exercises,. At one point I felt I had to puke. I never liked puking, always felt this strong resistance towards puking. I don’t know why. I only remember two times puking.
Once when I was a kid, playing with this coin, in my mouth – I swallowed it by accident. It came back immediately, with the dinner I had. Although I had a fright, I remember I was fascinated also. And glad I had my coin back :)
The other puking incident was when Dj and me moved out of the apartment - I was in the process of packing, and cleaning up: for several days I worked hard from early to late. At one point, after a meal, my body had this strong movement, this urge of puking. I tried to resist because I feared letting go, but my body just did the puking anyway. I experienced it as a nasty, overwhelming and disturbing event.

Yesterday I resisted again. I was very reluctant of ‘letting go of’, I guess of letting go of control – because that’s what happens: I resist but body needs to release. It scared me to surrender. The Dutch word ‘overgeven’ also means ‘surrender’. I tried to stop the puking, but then calmed myself down, and let it happen. Let body do what it needed to do. Breathing and be in the moment.

Although I still do not like it that much, it wasn’t that bad after all. And the relief afterwards is cool. So, this was a cool experience – just let go :)
The practical application of ‘letting go’.

Dentist Bill–Money!

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Geez, I am quite agitated at the moment because of this dentist bill I just received; 480 euro’s! Last year I’ve paid extra money every month on health insurance just to prevent bills like these – so I surely hope someone made a mistake (and preferably  this someone is NOT me). Money.

This is a cool opportunity to see what money does – what I allow money to mean to me.
I feel threatened. I feel defensive – I do not want them to touch my wallet. I want to keep my savings – they are my life line. How greedy this health insurance company is! Per month I have to pay over 130 euro=1560 euro’s per year and still I have to pay 175 euro’s per year as financial contribution extra and on top of that many ‘services and products’ are only partial or not at all covered (hence the dentists bill…) So what for do I pay such an amount of money, as insurance – when I still have to pay that much on top of it!?

I feel sick. I feel sooooo threatened in my survival. Yes – and very angry, very very angry!!! Do not TOUCH MY MONEY!!!!

‘They’ will suck all the money out of me – every penny ‘till there is nothing left. I need to have MONEY – it is money or die.

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lol I was quite emotional about the money issue – reading it over it seems ridiculous and silly, but this is what I was experiencing when allowing myself to be possessed by this money-fear/anger yesterday. Usually I do not allow it to come to this point of possession. Over the years I’ve designed constructs to not have to experience this fear/anger/aggression. To a point where I felt I did not care about money – as long as I have enough to survive + some extra. In a former post I’ve described my relation with money as that of a divorcee, me and money had a divorce. lol That describes it well – divorced but still having a relationship because of not being able to really let go – with all the fights and turmoil relevant :)

What I actually did was picturing me as not being able to be moved by money, not to be effected by money. So not true :) I’ve managed to live my life this way and not be bothered by money = not be bothered by all the pictures I have linked to money. I was able to do so because all my basic needs were always covered. And I didn’t need to be rich (or so I made myself belief). Actually I feel this increasing need to have lots of money, because – having money would mean I am safe, I am secure. In times coming I fear I’ll have no money=no food, no shelter, no anything->I’ll die. Survival. Money equals survival.

-first part of investigating my relationship with money – many more to come, I’m sure

Playing the Triangle

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orking on my SRAT assignment a points opens up. I am in highest grade of elementary school and we have this teacher Master Tegelaar. He is quite fond of music and he made us perform this musical. We had to practice a lot. He acted like a true dictator, a very tiresome experience it was.

When assigning the different parts, singing and playing various musical instruments, he made it very clear to me I was ‘unmusical’, in such a way I felt humiliated and hurt. I ended up playing the xylophone – but just because there were kids that were even more ‘unmusical’. At first he made me play the triangle - quite boring because you had to only a couple of times tap it but you had to be focussed all the time otherwise you'd miss your turn - and then you were in big trouble!
He was a bad tempered man, easily provoked and from day 1 I entered his school I felt he didn’t like me, for some undefined reason. I felt disregarded, ‘not seen’ by him, like I was invisible or like he wanted me to be invisible.

I was not a troublesome pupil. I’ve always liked school because I was eager to learn – and I was quite an intelligent kid and abiding by the rules. Those days kids were still filled with respect for the adults. I don’t know why he disregarded me; maybe because in those days my parents weren’t that ‘well-to-do’ yet and I wasn’t living in the  luxurious neighbourhood the school was situated in? Could very well have been the case because when it came to choose what high school each pupil would attend the next year, he didn’t choose me to be part of his little coaching group – exclusive for the most intelligent kids. He did pick my friend though – she was way less intelligent than me – I used to whisper the answers to her - but her parents were people of means. I was so disappointed!

His eyes and mine crossed each other and he must have read my eyes; the disappointment, the disillusionment and the hurt – because then he decided I was invited to his little coaching group too, but there were not enough books so I had to share with my friend. I was so happy!

I would have liked to please Meester Tegelaar more – for him to see me, acknowledge me. My wish to be a talented singer originates from this point. So he would see me, appreciate me and treat me like a princess, like he did Anke.  She had a nice singing voice and long blond hair. (I have this picture of her, well, of her back because I was seated  behind her – she wears this black sweater with small red roses on it. Her long blond hair covers most of her back. I am quite fascinated with the hairs that she lost, still sticking to her sweater. I did not specifically like or dislike her.)

 

 

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o – Master Tegelaar is still existent within my world – after 43 years I am faced with this person. He is probably long gone – as in dead. But he himself is of no importance at all – it is the imaginary Master Tegelaar I’ve created - that didn’t notice me, that disregarded me - that is still existent.

Unmusical=out of tune/off key
Singing out of time

Funny how these English meanings of the word ‘unmusical’ all have the same idea behind it: keeping yourself on this required track – otherwise you are ‘out’, ‘off’ – not ‘in’.

‘Tone deaf’ is another word for ‘unmusical’. Am I deaf? Am I ‘tone deaf’ – no, I can hear tones, I just can’t reproduce them the way I hear them in my head :) What rubbish definition: tone deaf. They say dogs and cats are able to hear much higher frequency than the human being – so are we all tone deaf? It is just a definition, a standard we go by – stick to the tune and you’ll be appreciated.

I have no obvious musical talents. But I like to dance though – and I am fairly ‘good’ at it – meaning I hear the rhythm, my body experiences the rhythm of music if I do not intervene with mind, so is this a musical talent then :) Well, it doesn’t matter – I will direct myself to unlink ‘unmusical’ – unmusical is just unmusical=without musical talents to sing or play a musical instrument the way it is appreciated in general.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to satisfy Master Tegelaar in order to be accepted and acknowledged by Master Tegelaar and be treated by him as if I were a princess. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘being treated as a princess’ as ‘being noticed by Master Tegelaar, being appreciated by Master Tegelaar, ‘being visible’ to Master Tegelaar, ‘being regarded’ by Master Tegelaar, being treated the way he treated ‘Anke with the singing voice’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated and hurt by Master Tegelaar calling me names like ‘unmusical’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior because of him defining me as ‘unmusical’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘unmusical’ because Master Tegelaar defining me as ‘unmusical’ and therefor didn’t investigate for myself if I had any ‘musical talents’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept this definition of myself as ‘unmusical’ as unquestionable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for having ‘a voice of an angel’ in order to please Master Tegelaar, in order to be special, in order to deserve ‘my place in the sun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not being in tune, for being off key when singing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when Dj tells me to stop singing because I am singing out of tune – reacting with wishing I had ‘a voice like an angel’ and he would love to hear me sing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belittle myself when it comes to singing – by singing even more out of tune and with that validate me being ‘unmusical’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself wishing for ‘a voice like an angel’ – so people would appreciate me and think I am special and gifted and be in awe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to favourite ‘a voice like an angel’ over other talents – even over the talents I am programmed with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think singing with ‘a voice of an angel’ is a preferred way of expressing myself – because of the immediacy of expression. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define singing as a superior way of self expression because of it’s immediacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fake ‘singing’ when singing with others in a group to avoid being out of tune and hinder others in their expression. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fake ‘singing’ to avoid people asking/telling me to stop participating. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back ‘singing’ in public when I feel like doing so – I would sing if I had ‘a voice like an angel’ – to avoid being ridiculed, laughed about, irritate or be a nuisance to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘me singing’ as a nuisance to the ears of others – through the I of the mind conscious system – because in my head my singing sounds just fine. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy people that are ‘musical’ and/or are ‘gifted’ with ‘a voice like an angel – and I would like to experience how it feels like to sing with ‘a voice like an angel’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard some talents as ‘being sent by god’, as being ‘more favourite by god’ than other talents. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link singing with god and angels – as in ‘sent by god’ and ‘a voice like an angel’.

Singing sound is just the outflow of breath and vocal cords.

Cool – now I am off, play some triangle :)

Tunisia and Egypt: the power of a group

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atching the news, these riots in Tunisia and Egypt – how people are finally moving themselves to rebellion because they have enough of being poor… it makes my heart have a jump because an equal money system IS possible, it will take many years though. People as a group they can manage to stand up – for food and other basic needs, like they do in Tunisia and Egypt. People demanding a change.
It is most likely there will not be that much of a real change in the nearby future – there will be just another dictator disguised in a democratic suite or in Islamic prayer, just another face doing the same all over again: enrich himself at the expense of the poor. People will learn though. People are getting to know their power as a group. And finally they will stand up as One and demand an equal money system. Because they are hungry. Because they’ll see this is a real solution.
Sheers!

Skilled workers

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was at the doctors today – our family doctor is not an average type of doctor. Years ago I came for a consult and sat down. Before I could say a thing he asked me if I had a cigarette for him. He was in the process of quitting but now he needed urgently a smoke! So I gave him a cigarette and he lighted it (in his consulting room) and had his way for a moment. I liked that. Because by doing so he broke down the wall of superiority – of him being the doctor and me the ignorant patient. Ever since that event I feel at ease with him and speak my mind freely.
So, this is how I imagine how we would relate to Authority Symbols within an Equal Money System. We would acknowledge their skills, their expertise and diagnosis. Of course we would, but they would be considered skilled workers, not superior to anyone, and not more appreciated (or paid) than other skilled workers, like bricklayers or road workers. This Superior – Inferior design will eventually stop existing, because we would no longer feed it.
Each one of us will be able to develop the skills we are good at and like to do. A person that likes building houses will have all opportunity to acquire the skills needed – a person that has a flair to be a physician will be able to study. All will be given an equal chance to investigate and develop their talents – not one talent is ‘better’ or ‘superior’ – we all will contribute to What is best for All – by doing what we do best and enjoy doing so.
Jobs that no one wants to do (if any) will be equally done in part time shifts, everybody takes his turn, so we all take responsibility equally.

Inflexibility

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am so totally cool with the new Mind Construct SRAT  assignments  - because I was not completely at ease with how mind constructs work and because I felt I didn’t work out important points/persons/concepts yet. And the thought of me assisting others with their Mind Construct made me uncomfortable. So cool I’ll be working on Mind Construct!
I have to plan though, to be able to manage 5 MC’s in 6 months. The first assignment  must be done with on February 21st. I can’t start working on this yet, because I am still working on Projection Points – and I guess I will be for the next 2 weeks to come. A lot of testing involved. I’ve planned this well – 4 points to work through every day; that’s how much I can manage at the time being.



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react in some kind of panic, rush – I am afraid I will not manage to work through one Mind Construct a month… And I do not see (yet) how to plan working through a Mind Construct, because I do not have an overview of how much time I need for each part of the Mind Construct. Wow, I really am reacting in agitation now! I experience this pressure on my chest and a rush – I want to start right away in order to be done with it in time. I am all possessed by this at this moment.
This panic feeling of ‘leave me alone’ comes up – it is the one that make me wanna run away, hide – to pull back from Desteni. I am quite familiar with this pattern, all of my life it has been there and it is related to the point I am working on lately: inflexibility because I lack overview, control. I do not allow myself to ‘run away’ but face the points, but still: it is not that effective to have to work through this turmoil over and over again. So far I did not completely understand this pattern – obvious.
I suspect this ‘inflexibility point’ is one of the core points playing out in my life, engrained in me as me. I need to have overview – control – otherwise I kind of panic, get overwhelmed and then ‘I am out of here’ to a place where I can regain control and have overview once again. And from there work on ‘having overview’ on the initial event and re-enter.
Ok, back to the assignments and me needing overview, desperately.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react – in stead of being Here and determine what I have to do and make a time schedule in order to support myself in effective time management.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘wanna run away’ and ‘hide’ to avoid experiencing the point of me ‘getting overwhelmed’ and ‘loose control’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become utterly inflexible, not willing to take one step further. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze and immobilize myself completely when having the experience of ‘being overwhelmed’ – out of shear fear what will happen when I let go of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience me at this very moment as ‘inflexible’ and ‘not willing to take one step further. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘inflexible’ as ‘stubborn’ and ‘stupid’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘inflexible’ and therefor as ‘stubborn’ and ‘stupid’ and judging myself for defining myself as such.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be not willing to look at this point at this very moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of ‘stubbornness’, immobility and inflexibility at this very moment to keep me from looking at this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this point of inflexibility and stubbornness, immobility and deliberately not moving myself – as ‘bad’ as ‘inappropriate’ as ‘childish’  and at the same time find joy in doing so.

Because it is the only way I can control the situation – it is the only way I can be ‘on top’ of the situation. Reacting by ‘immobilizing’ myself – I can see how this must have helped me when I was a little girl; the one and only way I could show what I (not) wanted; the one and only ‘effective’ response to the adults – because the only one they would notice.
Not effective at all in this situation, lol obvious. Am I noticing myself? Do I see myself? No, I don’t. I judge me because of it – pushing myself away because ‘I should not be that’, ‘I should have overcome this a long time ago already’. I’ve noticed this pattern compressing lately.
I embrace me as ‘stubborn’. I embrace me as ‘inflexible’. I embrace me as ‘needing to be in control’. I embrace me as ‘sheer fear’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to not grant myself ‘time and space’ to be in touch with this ‘inflexible, stubborn me’.
I grant myself ‘time and space’ to be ‘in touch’ with this ‘stubborn, inflexible me’ – to embrace it, be gentle with this ‘me’ and let go of this ‘me’.
I grant myself ‘time and space’ to investigate this ‘stubborn, inflexible me’ – gently and kind. I will not accept or allow myself to be harsh or judgmental, irritated or impatient with this ‘stubborn, inflexible me’.

That’s how the adults in my past reacted to ‘the inflexible me’ and I have been reacting the same. I stop.

Responsibility towards your kid

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o I am in the process of creating my new Dutch Blog and with that will reveal my birth name to be seen. So far I did not feel really fear revealing me as my birth name, not in the World, internet, on Facebook or YouTube etc – but I do experience awkwardness when thinking about placing my birth name on Dutch social communities. This is very close to home (we are such a small country). I fear violence and personal physical attacks. And not just for me, more important: for my son. How will/would it affect him to be the son of some one that is spreading a message that is ridiculed and attacked (vicious)?
I know, I am speculating, at this moment this is not physical actuality – but it is very likely to be that way. So far I have mainly experienced abuse and (vicious) attacks on Dutch forums and the abusers didn’t hesitate to include my son in their attempts to ridicule me (they found out I was a mother by reading on the Dutch Desteni forum and my blog).

For me personally – I will not allow it to stop me. But I do experience responsibility towards my son. Especially now because he is in puberty – meaning he is very sensitive to “the outside world” and what his peer group thinks of him (and his mum). I do my best to show him common sense in all of this: that what his friends ridicule has nothing to do with who he is for instance. But so far I do not notice this having any effect on him (well, not entirely true – every once in a while he makes a remark which shows some insight)

Like this morning: he said he didn’t understand why so many people cry over Michael Jacksons death when there are so many people dying every minute in Africa. It shows me he sees the ridiculousness of it. In general he states he doesn’t want to be bothered by me talking about what is happening in this world – he just want to be a 12 years old boy in the Netherlands, hating school and stuff. I’m still not sure if this is just him opposing me or a ‘genuine’ wish for himself. I restrain me from talking about these subjects but am showing by example.

For instance: he is very fond of chicken for dinner. I will make this for him on occasion but I do insist on buying ‘organic chicken’ and only when I have money for it. When he opposes I repeat why I insist. He managed to convince himself that him eating meat from these big factory farms where animals are denied a decent life, “it doesn’t matter me eating them because the chickens are already dead anyway”. Me over and over again stating him participating in this awful business is validating the business, he does not want to hear – his graving for and self indulgence ‘has taken over’; but not completely I can see that in his eyes and body language. Now I cannot and will not force him – but I will not accept to be forced cooking ‘non organic chicken’ as well.

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o this is the status quo. He will have to walk his own process in due time. I had quite a hard time accepting this but slowly but surely I am getting there. It meant I had to let go of this Mother Matrix design (partially) of me wanting him to be like me. He has to walk his own process in due time and there is not much I can do at the moment but be a living example of my own process. Whether this will assist him in times to come, well, we’ll see – for now I have to let him walk his own path.
I’ve learned by experience not to talk about Desteni – I have to speak another language because he is still very much opposing all Desteni related topics (which is almost everything but as said I’m learning to translate in other words – but he is quite smart and able to discover any hidden agenda I have) He simply dislikes Bernards voice (when I am listening to video’s – I do that whenever I want to, I will not restrict myself in that, no way) He ridicules me for “believing in this shit, believing you can talk with dead people and stuff” and points out this is me “believing” and is no more valid than him believing in something. Me stating Desteni is common sense to me and a result of me looking for common sense all of my life has no impact (lol very puberty related – older people all speak rubbish just because they are old) I told him the “dead people” stuff is just a minor part and it is the message that counts and that he is judging without knowing what the message is about, silences him for awhile but so far he did not show much interest in the message itself. Once we talked about Equal Money and I was astounded him telling me that “it won’t work” – where the hell did he get that idea from?! To me it was such a systematic reaction – without him thinking it over?

Dj is mirroring me – where have I been coming on too strong in this? Or probably this is a pattern from birth on – him opposing everything I say? I am still struggling to find a firm stand in all of this. See the point I started this blog with: where do I draw a line when it comes to my responsibility towards my kid? Will I restrain myself any further of being a living example of my process in my immediate environment because of possible physical or otherwise danger for him? What is common sense? Will I stop restraining myself? I do not want us to loose contact – meaning him telling me what is going on in his life, for me to be able to support and show him direction.

And: what is a real physical danger in this? I’ve seen aggressive behaviour increasing in our immediate environment, in our neighbourhood, especially the youngsters. Groups of adolescent boys beating up other kids. I do not want my kid to be beaten up because of me standing up for life….

Oh my, this is quite a subject for me at the moment. It is cool to write this out. I am not done writing yet – still many points.

Any support is very welcome!

Desteni Hyves

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oday – so far not much to write about. Dj and me both being ill, lying on the couch. Not that ill we just want to sleep all day, but not well enough to get up and do stuff.

I am in the process of building my own website where I will share my process in Dutch. Wanted to do that for some time now but always too busy with other things.
So far there is not much response on the Desteni message here in The Netherlands. I do post some video’s every once in awhile on typical Dutch social communities, but besides some abusive comments from people that obvious are acquainted with the material – no, not with the material, with the ‘negative’ image there is of Desteni (cult etc) – not much is happening. For some time I did participate on some Dutch forums talking about Desteni, but mostly these were just abusive conversations and common sense responses did not do the job; so I stopped.

There is this guy that had opened Desteni Hyves (Hyves is the Dutch equivalent of Facebook) some time ago – I don’t think he is participating on the Desteni Forum – and now he has invited me to join him and made me ‘administrator’. I see the Hyve has 296 members, so it might be worth to participate. So all Dutch speaking Desteni members: join Desteni Hyves!

Food for thought

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bought way too much food last Friday - the fridge and cupboard are filled with food: we won’t be able to eat it all in the next two days. By then it will no longer be fresh enough and I will have to throw it away…

Usually I am quite structured when buying food, having written out a menu for a week and buying what I need to prepare that menu.  Last Friday I knew the next day I wouldn’t be at home all day and evening and Dj was supposed to stay home alone and making a meal for himself.  I felt I should have enough food for him and did go overboard with that.
Plus: The store I usually do my shopping has all these special offers (take 2 pay 1) and that’s also why I bought too much. I lost track of my list and let myself be trapped in this ‘special offer’ thing – which obviously means people buy more than they need. And that’s the intent of the shop of course.

So now I have to throw away good food. Ok, I do recycle some of it, but nevertheless…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let go of common sense in favour of getting food cheap. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need as much food as I can carry to feel safe and to feel I take ‘good care’ of my kid and myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by greed and fear – and buy more food than we need.

I feel I did steal this surplus food. I did take way more than my fair share. I participated in the very consume-consume-consume system I claim I want to end. And by participating in this spending mania  I validated it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in ‘spending mania’ – instead of realizing I am buying more than we need, more than our fair share, pull more out of the world’s food supplies than our fair share. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let greed and fear of lack direct me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the commercial intent of the shop owners get to me and influence me to buy that much.

 

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ow in an Equal Money System there will be no need for commercials and special offers and so on.  There is no need for talking people into buying all kinds of stuff they don’t need. We will no longer ‘consume for the sake of consuming’.
There will be only quality food, to support our body - Common Sense Food – not ‘food’ to support our mind conscious system.  No stuff in it to make it look and taste ‘good’ (as in how we were taught how food should look and taste like).
There will be no competition, no commercial battles because the starting point will no longer be Profit. The starting point will be to support our Human Body Equally. And in that we will all work together – not compete to sell more or have more than the other. Our starting point will be converted into what is Best for All (including the human body).

We, the rich countries, will no longer steal the food from the people in, for instance, Africa. Ships loads of food is transported to Europe, taken away from the farmers and the people; it is not them that benefit from their hard labour, it’s not the people of Africa that eat the food grown on their lands: that’s us – and lots of this precious food is not even consumed by us, but simply thrown away by the importers  when the vegetables or fruits have small spots on them or just because they are ‘not looking that fresh anymore’  – even because the importer makes more money by destroying the food!

 

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vidently we, the consumers, will have to be self honest and take a good long look at what we have allowed to exist – in this context especially at our beliefs and assumptions about food. And our fear of lack of it. And our greed. This will not happen overnight. This will take a process – like we at Desteni are now in Process, the Desteni’I’Process . We all  have allowed and accepted this system of Over-Abundance to exist and continue to exist and allowed ourselves to have way more than our fair share – at the expense of other human beings on this same planet Earth, that have way less than their fair share.

	Of course we will also have to reconsider our starting point towards our ‘meat sources’. How we have accepted and allowed ourselves to consider lots of animals just as that – objects to be treated as merchandise, not considered to be living beings that experience discomfort, pain, suffering. Equal to what we experience. We deny them every right of a decent, dignified life.
	And: again we over-consume at the expense of other living beings – animals. Taking way more than we need to support our body.

Me desiring sex

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nother point opening up at this party last night was me experiencing interest in males. More specific: ‘Opening up’ to the desire for sex. Many years ago I decided I had enough of relationships, I was done with the sex thing also – because having sex always had some side effects. Me wanting more, like in having a relationship with the guy, or him desiring me to be his partner and me not wanting etc. Too complicated.
I guess this point is opening up at this moment because of me at the moment working on Fantasy Points, which are sex orientated. So noting down these points for my SRAT assignment I experience for a moment the desire. I breath through the desire – but now this suppressed point of not wanting to go there (having sex) is showing and the desire for sex is starting to demand sex. So now I have to face this point like all the other ‘Destonians’ lol

Balls of Energy and a big Yawn

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was at this party last night – the 15th Anniversary of the barter system I’m involved with. Enjoyed myself in meeting people. I attended this workshop Tai Chi, or actually Chi Kung (whatever).  We did simple exercises on the in and outbreath. This was cool because  at this point I was very very tired because I had lost myself. And by simply doing this exercises I had some moments with myself to re-establish breathing.
At one point the Chi Kung guy started with this exercise where you are shown how a ball of energy is between your both hands – you can actually feel this. I know because in the past I experienced and looked for these kind of things. This time I felt such resistance to go there… To the extent that I stopped participating.
I know I could have created this energy ball – but what’s the use? How can this energy ball be part of the solution for this Hell Hole we are in? Not. So no need to go there.
Thinking back I regret. I was not effective. I resisted the idea of the energy thing. I felt like Oh my god, here we go again – focussing on things that are not real, are not the solution, are just distraction. I was repulsed and accepted to stop participating as a way out. In stead of being here and self forgive, I allowed myself to just be repulsed and did not apply myself. I did not accept and embrace what was here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel repulsed by the energy thing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the exercise as ‘bad’ and accordingly stopped participating – instead of self forgive and embrace the moment as what is is – just a moment where some people are exercising together and bringing their hands together in a certain movement in order to experience something described as ‘energy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this moment where this group of people were exercising together to attain a certain experience of ‘energy’ as ‘Oh my god, here we go again with the new age stuff that is regarded ‘peaceful’ while in fact it is deceitful and personality and self interest based’ and place myself outside/above the exercise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself out of Here into this mind activity of being repulsed and identifying myself with this repulsion and believed myself to be repulsion and acting accordingly.

I

did not experience myself as better of wiser or whatever than this group of people. I just experienced the repulsion. In itself I am ok with the repulsion itself – it is the outflow of process, of seeing more and more clearly the deception. But I acted according to the repulsion, out of self interest, I did not act from the starting point of what is best for all, because of my identification with the emotion.

I do not regret stopping my participation. I regret me not applying sf in that moment.

(aah wtf – Dj’s friend was just telling me of this movie they watched together last night. I yawned. I did not really want to listen, but acted like I was interested because I thought I should show some interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I must show interest, even when I do not. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive the kids by acting according to this role I play. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with this personality role of the interested mother that listens to all of their stories in order to give the kids attention and validate them in the idea that their stories are important.)

Belly Buttons & Sexy Disasters

I

lost myself for a moment in a fantasy – a horror fantasy. At the scary moment-supreme I felt this energy string coming up from just above my pubic bone to halfway my belly button. Just a small movement. I never felt that – always focussed on my head when watching/fantasizing ‘scary’ movies. Interesting.

I have always had a vivid imagination. I preferred to read books, movies do not leave much space for my ‘home made’ pictures. Movies are like ready made dinners, while books are like cooking your own meal. But nowadays I prefer to watch movies, but that’s because I now need glasses to read and my eyes getting tired much too soon. So I am more of consumer nowadays and have hardly to chew myself :)

 

L

ast night I was watching this talk show and there was this journalist – he was in Haiti when the earthquake had happened and now he has written a book about how the media has deteriorated into ‘disaster pornographers’.  Just making pictures of what is going on is not sufficient any more – only the most horrifying pictures will do. The man said that although the situation over there was  horrendous, it was not as horrendous as we believe it to be because of all the pictures we were shown over here. So we are not presented with reality. Not by the news papers, not by television, not by internet.

We are presented with all these horrible pictures on tv, newspaper, internet – and how ‘sexier’ a calamity is portrayed, the more money we as decent civilians will give to help ‘the poor bastards over there’. And we as ‘decent civilians’ need to be exposed to increasingly more horrifying misery to be effected by it.

I was stunned by the words ‘porn’ and ‘sexy’ in relation to a catastrophe… But these words are very well chosen in fact - for it is only money and sex that sells.

Then I started to wonder how in an Equal Money System we would act when such disasters happen. First of all – the goods that we would send, we would be sure they would be applied to assist the people that need them – not some government freaks that fill their pockets. Secondly: help would be far better organized. At the moment there are thousands (!) of Aid organizations present in Haiti -  that are in each others way, not being as effective as they should be.  Why so many separate organisations? In an Equal Money System all will – sooner or later - donate their ego and dishonesties to the museum and become more and more real and we all will know when such horrifying catastrophe takes place, what to do.  We’ll all work together and not  be in each others way, we will all act in the interest of All, not split up in separate groups. We will not act out of self interest motives, but act with common sense – together. Well organized we will make sure we assist and support effectively, and fast.

In an Equal Money System there will be no more corrupt governments like in Haiti.  A lot of money has been send to Haiti – a year after the earthquake still no reconstruction has taken place, not on a large scale. The government of Haiti does not act – too busy filling their pockets. And we allow all of this… we just watch television, say ‘poor bastards’ and continue with what we are doing.

Energetic twirl movement and motivation

W

hile working on the SRAT assignment I once again experience this energetic twirl movement in my chest area. A movement like turning away from ( I experienced this also while cross referencing with Esteni on chat).

The priority point: Tiredness, emotional tiredness - I am experiencing tiredness on a emotional level because I am not clear on what I am doing, I want to know where I stand, what I am doing.

Yes, this is what I am experiencing at the moment  - working on the undergarments, for weeks now and not having an overview of what I am working on, where this is leading to, what this is ‘good for’, I’ve lost my ‘interest’, my motivation. Relevant and specific for the tiredness? yes

The energetic twirl movement in my chest area is me wanting to turn away, do something else. To be ‘motivated’ I need to know where I am going.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into this energetic emotional experience of tiredness because for weeks now I do not know where these lessons are leading to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need ‘results’ and a clear overview to be, and continue to be, motivated.

Starting point: motivation - a motive to move me – a reason to move me

What is best for All. That is the point: I did not allow myself to fully experience the ‘disheartenment’ that was/is here– I suppressed and judged it as ‘not effective’, ‘not relevant’, and ‘of no use’ – and fear it. I cannot allow myself to fully experience this because ‘it would take out the heart’ of my motivation – and then I am ‘lost’.

I experience me as very tired – I just want to lay down and watch tv or a movie – be a zombie and forget for a while. I’ve been following the news on tv for a year now on a consistent base. This last month or so I see all these disasters happening all over the world, all the turmoil, animals, fish, insects, birds dying en masse, riots, you name it - and it is ‘getting to me’: I feel very sad but also fear comes up, of what will happen… How it would be to starve, or to lose my house. How it will be to watch all the suffering close to me. How it will be to watch my kid suffer. How it will be to suffer extreme weather, poverty, abuse, fear… I see how much it will take before an Equal Money System will be an actual fact and fear it won’t happen. Sometimes I ask myself if the human race is worth all the trouble. And now while writing this, I feel my arms getting heavier and heavier. I just want ‘to turn away and forget’.

Would I really be ok with letting go of the human race? By the way, would it be that simple as in letting go of the human race, let us simply get eradicated and leave the earth to the animals, plants etc? I do not know, but simply me just ‘letting go’ will not cause the human race getting eradicated lol For a moment I perceived myself as being the centre of all of it – how much more ‘ego manic’ can you be :) But if it was up to me, at this moment I would say: eradicate the human race – good riddance. So it a good thing it is not up to me, because I would decide from within my mind, from within emotional tiredness. It is cool to allow myself to rant about my tiredness, to get it ‘of my chest’ – cool, to get this energetic twirl ‘of my chest’, how effective the body is!

So what I experience at the moment is a lack of motivation to move me. Fear of death is a motive to move me, to be in process. I am pondering a lot about death, about dying, about the point where I will be ‘crossing over’ and what will happen, how that will be. If I am going to make it this life? Actually, I think I won’t – maybe when I will live for another 30 years or so, I will make it, but at the moment my starting point is that I won’t make it. And in itself this gives me some relief – in a way, because now I can let go of the hurry, the drive to ‘make it in this life’, the fear I won’t make it in this life and me as Ingrid will stop to exist. My individuality will stop to exist. In Die Dualiteit - in Dutch, translated: in this duality. Die in Duality. Is that so bad? Is this something to fear? I guess not. But I do fear, that’s what I live.

The idea that we would have to do this all over again – one big giant loop – all these ages of suffering, for the animals, nature, all beings – humans included, is unbearable! Now, that’s one hell of a motivation :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of motivation – because I fear experiencing ‘disheartenment’ and with that, feel lost – as in: no purpose, no reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear me without purpose, without reason. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear me without purpose, without reason because I perceive being without purpose, without reason as ‘being dead while still alive’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘being dead while still alive’ – instead of realizing that I am already ‘dead but still alive’ – and me being ‘in process’ is to ‘awake me from death while still alive’.

How can one be in process of ‘awakening oneself from death while still alive’ without motivation? From a mind conscious point of view of course – otherwise there would be no need for ‘process’. So I’ll have to settle for ‘motivation’ for now. And redefine ‘motivation’ as ‘moving myself’ as in directing myself, as in being the director of my script. Cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive me as being ‘dead but still alive’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself and love myself and feel my heart pounding and my blood pumping through my veins. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not perceive my body as alive and only as an extension of me as mind conscious system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing and controlling my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for perceiving my body as ‘object’ to be dealt with like I want to – not realizing my body as the physical is alive while I as mind am ‘death’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to kill and murder my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and define my body as ‘less than me as mind’ and therefor is my servant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my body as ‘less worth’ than an animal – in stead of realizing I am as much the abuser as the animal abuser – I am the abuser of my body, torturing and putting it down as less than anything else in this reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down on my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me as mind from my body as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive me as mind and my body as the physical as two separated entities instead of realizing me and body is One. And Equal.

Cool! Tiredness is much less now, twirl in chest is gone. I actually am more aware of me as body, as physical – I am alive :)

Nipple suckers

O

k, I was going to write this out earlier, but didn’t.

This New Years Eve party I attended – I was outside and this guy I know came to wish and kiss me ‘Happy New Year’. He grabbed me and kissed me on my mouth – I do not mind that, but it is that he wanted to ‘French kiss’ me, and that’s what I do not want. I’m not that fond of that way of kissing; I only did that when having sex. I really must be kind of horny to enjoy this exchange of slobber :)

He was clinging on to me, grabbing me like he didn’t want to let go of me, but not aggressively, more like needy. Like he was shipwrecked and I was his saviour. Or, yes, that describes more accurately what I was experiencing: like a young animal that wants to suck with his mommy – blindly. Sucking her nipple, just seeing her nipple and food, feed me feed me feed me! He’ll do anything to satisfy his hunger – every nipple will suffice.  
I pushed him gently away. Gently because that is what I always use to do when guys approach me sexually. I do not want to hurt their feelings, no, their ego. Questionable, very questionable.

Beyond my automated response of ‘gently pushing away’ there was disgust. I do not want to be ‘just a nipple to satisfy the needs of any’. I am not ‘just a nipple to satisfy the needs of any one. And I do not like to be approached this way either. I want to be approached like an equal, an equal human being.

I was also ‘'Gently”  because he was drunk, and that’s the way I’ve always dealt with drunk men. And sober men too btw. I’ve experienced in my life time that’s the best way to deal with them, gently and humorous – to avoid them becoming aggressive. Then I am kind of the superior, not-drunk one and I make sure everything will have a happy ending…

 

L

ater on, I was going home, he suggested he would come with me. I refused to take him with me, but nothing was spoken, I did tell him I was off to bed to sleep. Did I give him a false message of being available? I’m not sure – there is where my insecurity comes in. These kind of things have happened so many times.  Am I giving signals that I am not even aware of? I  had no sexual intention whatsoever – but still I was approached that way. I actually never had a sexual intention when with men, generally speaking – if I did I was always clear: I just told them so.

This insecurity of my ‘own doing’ in all of this, makes me want to ‘sooth’ everything, be ‘gentle’ in stopping the sexual intentions – makes me not standing up in all of this. Not clearly stating: no, this is not what I want, how I want to be approached by you. Because: maybe I am the instigator of all of this… Me as a woman, as a girl, well, this question and guilt has always been there.

So now I’m polarizing me in two parts: the guilty me and the very, very angry me. Furious because of the forceful sexual approaches by men I’ve experienced all of my life. Furious at myself for allowing it, for not standing up and stating: NO. That’s what I really want – to stand up and say NO – I will not allow you to approach me that way.
I do want to respect myself, as a woman, as a human being. I am so fed up with this horny, violent behaviour of men (in general – but I have to be on guard with ALL men, because they may say they do not want to have sex, that they do not see me that way, but more than once I’ve experienced they were telling a lie)

But the guilt/the lack of clarity of what signals I’m sending – keeps me from this standing. And fear of course, fear of letting go of my ‘femininity’? Guilt because of ‘Eve and the Apple’?

I’ ll continue later – have to ‘chew’ on this one.

The primal systematic New Years Resolution

A

t the moment there is this commercial on Dutch tv with this slogan: the one New Years Resolution - Buy more, Pay less! and then they show in high paste all these products with lots of noise and loud colours and fast movements - hypnotizing!

And lots of commercial for slimming down – of course. First we are hypnotized to eat all this delicious food and then we are told we are fat and should be ashamed of our bodies and we must buy all these weight reducing products.

I was never ‘fat’ so  I’ve always wondered why people, mainly women, fall for this stupid business. Commercials telling us we are not beautiful enough – that you can only be happy in life when you are slim. Well, I was slim – but nevertheless unhappy and unsuccessful :)

Well, the Equal Money System will sort this out – where we are able to be happy with who/what we are and won’t let any system tell us what to do/who to be…

Lazy Sunday afternoon

T

oday – a quiet pleasant day, after all the ‘violence’ of the holidays. Dj and me both on the couch, surfing on the internet, watching some television, eating some snacks – nothing ‘special’, just a ‘normal’ Sunday. And I enjoyed it.

I’m referring to the holidays as ‘violent’ because, that’s how I experience it Now, not necessarily when in the middle of it. Besides the noise and violent act of chasing ‘the‘old spirits of 2010’ away by igniting fireworks, fire crackers by others, I’m also referring to me violating me, extensively.  In survival mode because of the continuous company of my kid – him hardly going out because ‘it’s too cold’ and being with me in the living room because it is too cold in his room upstairs. Him making noise, moving, speaking, listening to music all day long – I got in this state of constant irritation, which I suppressed because I judged me as ‘unfair’ and ‘not appropriate because this is his home too’. So I had to leave ‘here’ and settle me in this space of ‘I’m just here in the flesh - the rest of me is somewhere else’ – survival mode.

 

Tomorrow Dj will attend school again and I will be alone for a couple of hours. I’ll probably do some cleaning and washing and work on SRAT lessons. I’m way behind with it because of me postponing working on it due to the holidays. And I kind of feel pressured, fearing I will be ‘behind’ and not able to catch up with the speed of the lessons. I do put a lot of pressure on myself – a lot – much more than I was willing to admit to myself. Not just with the SRAT lessons, but actually in every aspect of life. Like my Tree of Life pointed out to me. Layer upon layer it is revealing it’s ‘ugly face’ – self criticism. But I’ll get there. I see myself getting more stable and at the same time more things are revealing for me to work on. Never a dull moment lol. Especially in ‘normal’ day to day life I observe myself being more stable within, less fearful. For instance the other day we had to pick up Dj at my sisters, where he stayed for a couple of days. I used to avoid the elevator, because I fear being in this small, closed compartment – but this time I just did, breathing, experiencing myself as stable within this, breathing through the ‘fear thoughts’ that came up automatically. Cool – I enjoyed me as me :)

 

I

did attend the New Years Eve party I was talking about in my previous post. All the wishes and hugs, well, they were just that – I didn’t give them any meaning, so I wasn’t bothered by it. Quite neutral.
I wasn’t affected by the countdown either, just like I decided – every ‘burp’ of me entering this ‘agitation energy’ I breathed through and in the end I just stayed stable, neutral when the actual ‘count down’ took place. It was just a sign the fireworks will start every minute now.

One of the cats was quite frightened by the loud bangs and bright lights of the fireworks – she ran agitated through the room and I felt sorry for her – but couldn’t do much to comfort her. I just opened the door to the hall way so she could go upstairs and look for a place where she felt less uncomfortable.

* I heard on the news Germany is third on the world-list of Arms Traders and that one out of every two German house holds has a gun – quite shocking to me. I realize this is shocking to me because as neighbouring countries – this is so close to home! I assumed guns were as forbidden in Germany as they are here in the Netherlands, and felt safe(r) by the assumption.

Are you One Vote for Equality?