Dentist Bill–Money!

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Geez, I am quite agitated at the moment because of this dentist bill I just received; 480 euro’s! Last year I’ve paid extra money every month on health insurance just to prevent bills like these – so I surely hope someone made a mistake (and preferably  this someone is NOT me). Money.

This is a cool opportunity to see what money does – what I allow money to mean to me.
I feel threatened. I feel defensive – I do not want them to touch my wallet. I want to keep my savings – they are my life line. How greedy this health insurance company is! Per month I have to pay over 130 euro=1560 euro’s per year and still I have to pay 175 euro’s per year as financial contribution extra and on top of that many ‘services and products’ are only partial or not at all covered (hence the dentists bill…) So what for do I pay such an amount of money, as insurance – when I still have to pay that much on top of it!?

I feel sick. I feel sooooo threatened in my survival. Yes – and very angry, very very angry!!! Do not TOUCH MY MONEY!!!!

‘They’ will suck all the money out of me – every penny ‘till there is nothing left. I need to have MONEY – it is money or die.

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lol I was quite emotional about the money issue – reading it over it seems ridiculous and silly, but this is what I was experiencing when allowing myself to be possessed by this money-fear/anger yesterday. Usually I do not allow it to come to this point of possession. Over the years I’ve designed constructs to not have to experience this fear/anger/aggression. To a point where I felt I did not care about money – as long as I have enough to survive + some extra. In a former post I’ve described my relation with money as that of a divorcee, me and money had a divorce. lol That describes it well – divorced but still having a relationship because of not being able to really let go – with all the fights and turmoil relevant :)

What I actually did was picturing me as not being able to be moved by money, not to be effected by money. So not true :) I’ve managed to live my life this way and not be bothered by money = not be bothered by all the pictures I have linked to money. I was able to do so because all my basic needs were always covered. And I didn’t need to be rich (or so I made myself belief). Actually I feel this increasing need to have lots of money, because – having money would mean I am safe, I am secure. In times coming I fear I’ll have no money=no food, no shelter, no anything->I’ll die. Survival. Money equals survival.

-first part of investigating my relationship with money – many more to come, I’m sure